The Power Of The Blood

The past two weeks have been huge for me, with many milestones to celebrate. On August 4th, I had my one year salvation "birthday". For many years I let sin reign in my life, with no thought to the consequences. After I started truly thinking about where my decisions were going to get me, I figured I was so far gone that there was no way I could be redeemed. I thought that the only way to enjoy life was to do whatever gave me pleasure in that moment, and that is why I struggled so hard with depression and suicidal thoughts. When you are only living for the pleasure of the moment, and the moment that you are in contains no pleasure, then what is the point of living? Overwhelming sadness becomes a part of your daily life. Once I found the Lord, the immediate relief in my life was one of the most pure things I have ever felt. All of a sudden my questioning ceased: my life had meaning and purpose, and I was loved. My life is not perfect, no life is on earth is...but throughout all of the troubles that come my way I feel the presence of the Lord and I know that the important part is not that my life is perfect, but that I continue to strive to be Christ-like.

The second milestone for me was also on August 4th, and that was the day that marked me as one year sober. Over the years I self-treated my depression and pain with liquor. Once I started drinking, I didn't stop until I was sick or passed out, and even that didn't stop me for long. There were times when I would wake up the next morning with no memory of how I got to bed (if I made it that far). I drank to find oblivion, because feeling nothing was the only thing that helped me to get through each day. Instead of searching for God, I searched for the next bottle. The moment I was saved, I knew right off that I could never take another drink; to do so was to turn my back on the second life that God had granted me. As I grew as a Christian, I came to understand that I am an alcoholic. I had tried so many times before to stop drinking by my own power, but it wasn't until I surrendered to God that this addiction was conquered.

The third milestone is today: nicotine free for one year. This is just more proof that God can help me overcome all obstacles. I smoked constantly. If I wasn't working, it was rare to find me without a cigarette in my hand (on my days off I could smoke two packs in 24 hours). If I was working and wasn't where I was supposed to be, my coworkers knew they had to look no further than right outside the back door, where I would be stealing a few drags. Although some others might be able to control this habit, it was the other way around for me: the addiction controlled me. Once again, though, the Lord set me free. 

As I sit here typing this, I am feeling an overwhelming gratefulness to God for all of the changes that He has brought about in my life. I am firmly convinced that, had I not given my life to Christ, I would be dead. I would have either given in to my despair and taken my own life, or I would have driven drunk and killed myself or someone else...there was no way I could have kept going the way I was much longer. Instead, I am sitting here full of joy, in a house that is free from addictions. I have truly become a new person, and I have a new life. To God be the glory!

By The Blood Of Jesus (Hebrews 10:19)

Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's not because there hasn't been anything to write about; there has been so much going on in my life that I haven't had time to stop and share anything longer than a quick Facebook post. But I have something that I wanted to talk about and share with you guys, so I decided to stay up late tonight and get it posted, whether I had the energy or not.

My past sucked, and sometimes it tries to draw me back in. This happens in so many different ways that sometimes I can't tell that's what is happening. Sometimes the new me gets distracted by all the things the old me used to enjoy when they are put in front of me, and I lose focus of who I am supposed to be. I am so grateful that it is getting easier and easier to recognize when that is happening, and each time I pull myself back quicker and easier to the straight and narrow path that we are called to walk. However, I am now facing a new challenge with my past, and that is trying to forgive myself for it and let it go.

I understand the concept of "white as snow". Mentally I understand that I am forgiven because of the blood of Christ and that my debt has been paid by a loving God, but emotionally this is a harder concept for me to grasp. I have shared my testimony a couple of times over the past few weeks, and it has reminded me of where I came from and how bad I and my life truly was. I absolutely love sharing my testimony and wish I had more chances to do so. It is powerful beyond belief, simply because I was so bad off and God did such an amazing and drastic work in my life. I am noticing now, though, that when I talk about the past I feel lingering guilt over who I was, and even the mistakes I am still making. I hate hate hate hate hate who I was and what I did.

I struggle to forgive myself sometimes, and during those times I am finding it harder and harder to grasp the concept of a perfect God being able to forgive me. I know that He is loving and forgiving, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the difference in He and I. He is perfect, sinless, loving, just, and pure as snow. I was as sinful, shameful, and dirty as they come. I know, because the Bible states it is so, that God now sees me through Jesus and therefore I am forgiven, but my human brain is struggling to accept that and see myself the way that God does now.

I am sure some of this is satan trying to drag me down. Some of it, though, is because I am finally trying to deal with my past issues and sins. Focusing on my new life is amazing and wonderful, but I always knew at some point I was going to have to come to terms with my past. Besides, it is good that I remember who I was, so that I can keep from repeating the same sins and turning into the old me.

Do you have a bible verse that you think would be helpful for this issue? I would love to know what it is! Just comment it below, or message me if you are a Facebook friend. Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this blog. Love you guys, and TTFN!

My Soul Yearns...

So I have been having a pretty rough couple of weeks. I could give you all kinds of excuses for why this has been happening and all the things that went wrong in my life. I could lay out all the reasons I have for falling off the path and not doing what I am supposed to do. However, I think that focusing on all my excuses is part of what kept me down for so long. So I am going to ignore listing all of the reasons that I went wrong: I know what they are, and I am working on it. Instead, I am going to focus on how awful / wonderful it is when God decides to grab your attention full force. 

Now, some of you may be thinking "this sounds really familiar, didn't you already do this blog?". The answer is YES. I did go through this a couple of months ago, and because I have a very thick skull and sometimes decide that I know better than God, there is a decent chance that you will be reading something similar to this again in the future until God gets this lesson through my head.

So, long story short, I had a pity party. This wasn't your average 4 or 5 hour party; this was a two-week rave. Yes, I have bipolar disorder, and yes, things did go wrong in my life, but I could have stopped it from getting that bad. Instead, I wallowed in it, and I gave myself permission to stop participating in life. While this may have only been slightly bad for me, I also stopped actively seeking God and that totally wrecked me. I didn't even realize that was what was wrong until I went to church this past Wednesday night. 

I was feeling all sorry for myself, and basically told God that if He couldn't fix my life and help me, then I was going to take over and do it myself. Not surprisingly, He answered that pretty swiftly, and with the force of a tsunami, and He used my pastor to do it. There was nothing vague about this; God directed this thing straight at my heart. The funny part: my pastor prepares his lessons in advance, so that means that God had been preparing this lesson for me for days before I even knew I needed to learn it. That is just another reminder of how all-powerful and all-knowing God truly is. Got to admit, that is awe-inspiring to me. A few of the more pointed notes I took from this lesson are below:

1. A miserable Christian is someone who is hiding/not dealing with their sin. We hide from our sin, and somehow expect everything to turn out okay anyway.
2. Do I come into the house of worship with sin in my life and leave with the same sin in my life?
3. There is something worse than famine of food or water, and that is spiritual famine.
4. If we weren't able to come together in the house of God, to never hear the word of God spoken again, how awful would that be? How much would that affect my life?
5. Do I have an appetite, a hunger, for God's word? Do I take having the Word of God in my life for granted? 
6. Where do I look for my answers to life's problems? The world, myself, or God?
7. When we put our faith and trust in other people or things, destruction will come.

Yeah, ouch. My toes weren't just stepped on, they were also doused with gasoline and lit on fire, then they were run over with an 18-wheeler, and then I am pretty sure they were eaten by piranhas. 

By the time the service was over, I felt totally wrecked and completely wonderful all at the same time. I was absolutely miserable at the idea of how far gone I was, AGAIN, after I just learned this lesson. In the middle of all of my misery, I also felt amazing relief because I realized that the answer was right in front of me. Repent, make God my number one priority again, go to Him in prayer, study my bible, and things would get better. As the pastor was closing out the service with prayer, I spoke one of the more desperate and sorrowful prayers that I ever have, begging God to forgive me and asking Him to take back over. The relief once I did that was so beautiful that is was almost painful. 

I am still working my way back to where I need to be, but it is getting better. All I really need, all I am craving right now, is a long time in prayer and several hours of bible study. This is one addiction I could really enjoy. :)

Help My Unbelief

I am really enjoying chapter two of Beth Moore's book Praying God's Word. It has been amazing, and such a great help in my prayer life. This morning I was reading Mark 9:14-24, which is a wonderful story about a father who wants healing for his son, and when he doesn't have the faith that Jesus requires of us, he simply says "I believe. Help my unbelief."

What I love about this is that, in one short minute, he declares a complete faith and then begs for help with his unbelief. The reason I love this so much is it proves that faith can be a blind thing. I think the words "blind faith" can get a bad rap sometimes. Sure, you won't want to give all your money to a stranger that walks up to you offering to sell you stock in his amazing company. That kind of blind faith is bad bad bad bad bad. But as a Christian, I am asked to believe in a God that I cannot physically see and trust in events that happened a very long time before I was born. Because I am human, this is sometimes a stretch of the mind, even though I know deep down it is true and I can feel God emotionally. 

So, when I feel my mind attempting to tell me that things like a virgin birth of God's son and a resurrection can't possibly be true I often have to fight it with blind faith. Even though it doesn't feel real to me at that moment, I cling to what I know with everything I am. I say aloud all the things that I know are true, and I keep repeating them until I get it through my thick skull that no human thoughts can drown out God's truth. I guess I just love how this father made the decision to trust and have faith even while admitting that he needs God's help to do that. One of those things that randomly speaks to me, I guess....

I want to share another bible verse-based prayer from her book today. I must admit I love these faith verses!

God, according to Your Word, You are not bothered by our requests. Once when others told a synagogue ruler not to bother You anymore with his request, You ignored what they said and told the ruler, "Don't be afraid: just believe.". Help me not to be discouraged to pray and not to be afraid, but believe!

The Substance Of Things Hoped For

I have always struggled with faith, I guess because it never made sense to me before. Not just faith in Christ, but faith in anything. I was always waiting for the good things in my life to disappear or to be ripped from me, and so I did not trust or have faith in anything or anyone, not really. Since I have been saved, I have felt my distrust slowly seep away, and it is amazing. Unfortunately I have always been easily influenced, and Satan is very good at using that against me. A month or two ago, someone that I don't even know suggested that Jesus wasn't the Son of God, that He was just a Godly man, and that the disciples suggested He was Lord after His death. Now, I know that isn't true, but my easily suggestible brain loves to sneak that in on me every now and again and make me wonder if my faith is false. 

I hate feeling this way, so I cried out to God and begged Him to take my doubts away. I have been praying this repeatedly for a few days and then, like the good Father He is, God gave me an answer clear as day: read the story of Jesus from the bible, start to finish, Matthew through John. I instantly knew this was the answer, for I know the basics of Jesus but I have not gotten to know the story of His life as well as I could. By knowing who Jesus was and is, I will be better able to solidify my faith. But this wasn't enough for my good and gracious Lord; He wanted to give me a little extra help. 

This morning I opened "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore to start chapter two. Can you guess what is was on? That's right: faith. I love it when the Lord consumes my life with one subject, so that it totally takes me over and envelopes me, leaving room for no doubt that God's hand is directly in control of this. I hope that this never changes in my life. It was also really wonderful to see how God rewarded my direct plea for assistance with immediate help, because it means my heart is getting right with Him and back on the path He wants me on. He wants me to ask these questions of Him, rather than relying on myself. 

In the book, she points out that without faith, it is impossible to please God. We will be challenged to believe him from one season to the next, all of our days. We can't just believe in God, we also have to believe Him. 

Believe He can do what He says He can do.

Believe we can do what He says we can do.

Believe He is who He says He is.

Believe we are who He says we are.

To do this, we should cry out earnestly "Help me overcome my belief! Make me a person of belief Lord!". As she did with the first chapter of this book, she gave us some example prayers using bible verses. I wanted to share my favorite one with you today:

Father God, according to Your Word, without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to You must believe that You exist and that You reward those who earnestly seek You. Lord, I want to please You. Build faith in me so my life will honor the life of Your Son.

I am pretty sure this prayer is going to be said in my house a whole bunch over the next few weeks, maybe longer. I have to recommend this book if you have ever struggled with prayer, or with overcoming the addictions and troubles in your life. I truly believe that God has directly given me this book so that I can grow as a Christian and do what He has planned for me, according to His will.

God bless you, and thank you for reading this. Until next time...

I Want To Be A Blessed Mourner

This past Sunday morning, the message at my church service hit me hard, but it was nothing compared to Sunday night. The morning service was a light slap with kid gloves. The night service was a sucker punch to the gut, and I am so excited to share with you what God is teaching me and revealing to me about myself.

I have read Matthew 5:4 before, but I always assumed that the verse was talking about grief for a loss or having a hard time. When you think of like that, the verse is a balm to be used for every kind of hurt. But, as my pastor explained on Sunday night, that is not what this verse is talking about at all. And when you look at what it really refers too, this verse is less about comforting and more about teaching us the right way to repent for our behavior.

The sorrow in this verse is limited to the people who are mourning because of their sin. This is not a worldly sorrow, this is a Godly grief. Sorrow without a Godly reference has no blessings. If we are simply sorrowful because we are caught sinning, then we are not doing what is required of us as children of God. We should be sorrowful that we have sinned against a Holy God. We should not be repenting because of the consequences, either, for if we do that then we will go right back to our old behavior because there is no true repentance. 

I came to understand is that some of the things that I am going through right now are consequences of my past behavior. I have been praying for God to help me with these issues, but the truth is that God has forgiven me my sin and is helping with His word and His guidance, but that does not mean I am free from the consequences of past choices. The fact that I am no longer married, that I am lonely without a partner to love and cherish, is my fault. That is reality. I chose not to follow God, and not to treat my marriage vows with the respect that they deserved. Now, I am not saying that is why all marriages fall apart, just mine. And we can debate whether or not it was a good thing that my marriage fell apart all day long, but I am facing the consequences of my past behaviors. I am also facing the daily struggle not to pick up another cigarette or have another drink, all because I chose to pick them up in the first place and awaken an addiction in myself that I would not have had to contend with had I followed God.

The other thing that I wanted to talk about is a little off topic, but stems from something my pastor said, and is equally important. He said "Our altars should be full of people repenting" and as he said that I looked around and realized something very important: How can our altars be full of people falling on their face before God and repenting so that they can be closer to Him if THE PEOPLE AREN'T IN GOD'S HOUSE WHERE THE ALTARS ARE? This night, the house of the Lord was practically empty, just a handful of people. God was speaking very powerfully through Bro. Howard, and so many weren't there to hear it. 

I am so guilty of this. I can't help it when I have to work, but what about the other times? Not that I don't have good excuses, but now that I am truly looking at them, I am beginning to realize that no excuse is good enough for me to miss being in the Lord's house on the Lord's day. Not "I'm so tired" or "I have laundry to catch up on" or "I have to work tomorrow and need to get things done". Those were my favorite ones to fall-back on. So I guess no more excuses for me: if those doors are open and I am free from work or obligations, I will be there. 

Thanks for reading this post, and I look forward to tomorrow!

For They Know His Voice

First things first, can I say how much I LOVE doing a post back to back like this? I love posting, and so getting to do more of it is good with me. Secondly, can I tell you how pleased I was this morning when I was working on my bible study and I had to look up a verse. Now, up until now my bookmark in my bible has stayed on the page that tells you what page the books are on for easy access, because whatever memory I had of bible order from my church days as a child had long disappeared. However, this morning as I was looking up the verse, without even thinking about it I knew exactly where I was going. I think that is a good sign about how much I have been opening my bible. So, progress is being made. Now, on to the amazing things that God is teaching me...

So, apparently, yesterday God directly decided to work on my heart hard, and He used my pastor to do so. Between the morning and night service, my feet were definitely stepped on pretty hard. So much so that I took over 3 pages of full page notes for each service. Since I don't want to make this post forever long, I am just going to share my notes from the morning service. Tomorrow you will get the Sunday night notes, so be looking forward to that!

I loved this sermon. It was about how God speaks to us in our lives. My favorite question that the pastor put forth was "How can I know that it is God speaking to me?". And the answer was two-fold. The first point, and one that I think is stressed too little is that God will never tell me to do something contrary to His word. Ever. So no matter how good that sin looks, and how much I feel drawn to it, I can know that it is not God doing the drawing. Secondly, if I spend time with God through His word and prayer, I will know His voice.

The verse the pastor chose to accompany the sermon was 2 Timothy 3:16-17, but he also quoted the above verses from John, and for some reason those verses touched me deeply, so I wanted to focus on them. What I really liked it the fact that the sheep know the voice because they have been trained by the Shepherd to recognize it. Even in this, we are not the one doing anything other than accepting His guidance. God will help us to know His voice if we are willing to give Him our limitless devotion. 

The second thing that he said that really impacted me was that, when the Holy Spirit leads you to some lesson or knowledge, you have just had an encounter with God. And I desperately, desperately want an encounter with God, and I realized that in the middle of the message. I was so thirsty for it, and like the Good Father that He is, He gave me what I was seeking. But that was later in the evening, so you will hear about that tomorrow. 

The third thing that touched me through this message is that reading and hearing the Word of God is not enough, I must respond. Confession is agreeing that I have sinned, but agreeing with God that I am wrong is not enough. There is one more step I must take: I must respond to the truth in obedience: that is true repentance. When the Holy Spirit reveals our sin to us, it is not to make us miserable; He wants nothing to hinder our love relationship with God.

The point of all of this: to become closer to God, I must adjust my life to the truth. God's truth.

He Is My Fortress

I love this blog. I love the freedom that it gives me to share my testimony with others, and talk about all of the wonderful things that God is doing in my life. Spiritually, physically, and emotionally my life is being transformed right in front of me. No, not right in front of me. All around me. As I look behind me at my past, I am seeing my behaviors and actions in a totally different light. As I look to the side of me, I am seeing my present and the people in it very differently. Everything is changing, and I love sharing that here with you.

However, it has come to my attention that the infrequency of my blog makes it harder for people to follow, and harder to catch on to. Unless you want to go back and read the last two posts every time I add a new one, you aren't getting the cohesive story that I am trying to give. Because I am living this life it feels like one big long story to me, but for some who are trying to follow my story, it feels choppy and hard to follow. So....I am going to change the rules of this blog. 

Instead of strictly talking about the spiritual lesson that I have just currently learned, I will be adding in other parts of my life so that I can post at least once every couple of days. HOWEVER, it is important to stress that I am only able to do this because God is touching every part of my life. Anything I talk about will be based on how God is changing my life. The heart of this blog isn't changing, just the format. I truly feel like my whole story should be shared, not just the pieces that I think are huge. Maybe by doing it this way, you will be able to get a fuller view of all the amazing things that God is doing in my life. So here we go....

I am currently doing an amazing bible study, recommended to me by pastor's wife, called Praying God's Word by Beth Moore. I think the reason this study is helping me so much is because I have always felt kind of silly praying. Even though I want to talk to God, and want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with Him, I often find my mind wondering to other things. I felt odd just talking. For many reasons, my prayer life was not getting off the ground, and I was missing out on so many good things because of it. I wanted to have that closeness with God, but found myself unable to without some help. And whoa-boy is this study helping! It has already deepened my understanding of prayer, and of God, and I am only done with the introduction and the first chapter. 

I love that she is incorporating bible verses into prayer, and I think having them written down is really helpful to me. I am a very visual person, and having them right in front of me is helping me to focus on Who I am talking to. I have even taken to writing down what I want to say to God and posting that on my wall to read during my prayer time. I find my prayer time is getting longer, and that I am feeling more connected to God in it. My prayer area wall is quickly becoming covered by paper. I think I might need to devote a whole room to this if this prayer-obsession keeps going! Not a bad thing...

I wanted to share with you two things she said in her book that really touched me this weekend. 

• The most monumental leap we take towards freedom is the leap to our knees – acknowledging the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
• The most giant step in the walk of faith is the one we take when we decide God no longer is a part of our lives. He IS our life.

The other really big thing that is happening in my life is that I am finally taking my sobriety more seriously. I haven't not had a drink since August, but I am finding myself struggling more and more with keeping it that way. On my bad days, I miss the fun and oblivion that drinking to the point of unconsciousness offered. And that's how I remember it: fun and relaxing. However, I know that is not how it really was. How it really was is embarrassing, humiliating, dangerous, and counter-productive. I won't go in to the gory details, because I am not totally comfortable in talking about all of them yet, but trust me: it was the opposite of fun. I just had a really screwed up idea of what fun was. 

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

If Thine Eye Offend Thee

This past week has been filled with an intense panic. It wasn't just that something was wrong. It was more like something was missing, and I couldn't figure out what it was. And then two days ago I had a moment of understanding: I couldn't feel God, not at all. I felt almost as empty as I used to before. Before August. Before coming in repentance to God and accepting Him as my Lord and Savior. It was absolutely terrifying. 

Now, I know that I wasn't without God. I am saved, through Jesus, once and always. I also know that being saved isn't always about feelings. In fact, sometimes our faith has to be completely apart from our inconstant human emotions. But I should always feel God at the foundation of my being and of my life. So I had to figure out what happened. 

I know that God doesn't move, He is a fixed point, so I must have moved. I started to take serious stock of who I was and what my life was like, and I realized that I had backslidden without even realizing it. My old self snuck up on me, quiet as a mouse, and I let her have some control back without meaning to. So my next logical question was HOW? How did she show back up to the party without my inviting her? And that is when I realized that I did invite her, in a million small ways. I just didn't realize I was doing it. 

I guess there is a reason that the bible says many will fail to stay on the straight and narrow path. If you turn away, even for a second, you can easily end up miles off the path, which is exactly what I did. I let things that were supposed to be totally out of my life creep back in. And this is how easily it happened: 

1. I told myself that I didn't HAVE to listen to just Christian music. Classical music isn't bad. And so I added it in. 
2. I told myself that going to the movie theater to watch a movie once was different than owning a secular movie, so it wasn't the same. And to the theater I went.
3. I told myself that, as long as the music didn't have cuss words or bad themes, what was the harm? I mean, if soothing classical music is good, then soothing secular music can be good to. And so I added it back in. 
4. I told myself that I could save money if I rented movies from Netflix instead of watching them in theaters, plus it would give me a welcome break from all the hard work I was doing. And so I signed up for Netflix and added a bunch of movies that I had gotten rid of, because that was different than owning them. 
5. I started questioning what a cuss word REALLY was. After all, I am sure some of the words we consider bad were not even words back then, so it is not expressly forbidden. Besides, I was so much stronger now. I could handle it. And so music with cussing was introduced back in. 
6. I told myself that only watching movies during meals was stupid. I should be able to relax on my days off. And so I started marathon movie days again.

And that is how it happened. That is how, over two months, I baby-stepped my way back to who I used to be. I found myself watching three or four hours of movies/TV shows a day, listening to music that cussed and took the Lord's name in vain, but was having trouble finding time to crack open my bible or pray. And pretty soon, depressed and miserable Angela started rearing her ugly head. 

After realizing what happened, a bible verse came to mind. The verse that kept repeating in my head was Matthew 18:8-9. The basic premise: if something causes you to struggle with who the Lord wants you to be, get rid of it. Toss it out. But didn't I already do that? I got rid of everything, and yet it found a way back in. And so I decided that, if just getting rid of the bad stuff didn't work, then I would get rid of the thing that enabled me to have the bad stuff...and so I gave away my television and DVD player. I wanted them out. And just like that, I have tons of free time for bible study and prayer. The last two days have been amazing, and I feel closer to God again. I still have some ground to gain back, but I am steadily on my way. 

I also got rid of any music that isn't Christian. If it doesn't stick this time, I will get rid of my MP3 player and CD player. I don't want to, because music moves me, and my Christian music moves me towards God. But, if I find that I can't keep the old me out, then I will. I guess we will have to wait and see. Maybe one day I will be able to face these temptations and say no, but for now I will settle for avoiding the problem altogether. It may mean I am not as strong as others, strong enough to face them and say no, but it does mean that I am strong enough to give up everything that keeps me from God. That works for me. 

Thank you for reading this very long post, and for allowing me to share my struggles and triumphs with you. TTFN!

No Plan But His

Expectations are overwhelming. They come at you from every direction, demanding that you be more, do more, be better, give more, go faster, go farther. Sometimes the expectations come from others. The people in your life want you to succeed, and they are sure that they know what is best for you. They just KNOW that if you take the path that they think you should be on then you will do amazing. Sometimes the expectations come from inside. We compare ourselves (and our journeys) to others, and decide that if we can't do as well as the other person does then we must not be trying hard enough. If we will just give a little more, then we can match up.  

Because of my bipolar disorder, I judge myself very harshly. I look at the people surrounding me, and I see people who are accepted by others, who don't behave strangely, who don't have mood swings that they can't control, people who are "normal". I am exhausted from trying to keep up with the rest of the world, and it is pointless because God never intended for me to compare myself to other people. To compare myself to them is unfair to both myself and the other person. I don't have any clue what they are going through, what they have to fight to be who they are. They have struggles that I can't begin to see or understand, and they have talents that I shouldn't try to mimic. I have my own talents and struggles that are here to help me become the person God wants me to be. I have been struggling with this, and because God is the loving Father that He is, He gave me a double dose of advice yesterday. Both my Sunday school lesson and the sermon hit me hard and in the best possible way.

Between my full-time job and my part-time job, I have been working 70 hours weeks for a little while. I have made amazing progress, but I am exhausted. Because of that, I have missed a couple of church services, and more than a few bible study sessions at home. When I came to church yesterday, the feeling of relief was severe and wonderful! The feeling reminded me of when I have an asthma attack. I have them every now and again, and they are miserable. Even with my inhaler, it takes a little bit of time before I feel like I am getting air again. It is an oppressive feeling to go without air, and it is painful. Once the medication kicks in, it is a rush of relief. The air comes freely again, I can breathe again, I am comfortable again. When I opened my Sunday School book yesterday, it was like a breath of air entered my life again, and I knew that this is what I had been missing. I had been so focused on making my life successful and normal that I forgot what the foundation of my life was supposed to be. 

Part of the reason that I want to be successful is because I don't want to fail God. I am grateful everyday for the new life that He has granted me, and I don't want to waste it. I guess I forgot that I judge success differently than God does. I want to make a mark, do something spectacular. God just wants my love and obedience. In Sunday school we talked about the different meanings of the word 'perfect'. I am forever trying to be perfect, to make no mistakes, to succeed where I have always failed before. But my teacher showed me that perfect can also means to continually work towards being more Christ-like. Something for me to think and work on. 

God used yesterday's sermon to touch me as well. Like I said, I have been trying to do things my way instead of God's way, and He wanted to correct that. We studied John 4:34 and what it is to do God's will. It is a scary thing to totally give up control of my life and accept that I will do whatever God wants, but I am learning that trying to live my life according to my will is even scarier. No matter how hard I try, I will always be exhausted if I am fighting the will of God and trying to go down the wrong path. It is pointless to fight God or to lie to God. It just doesn't work, and so I am giving in. Even as I type the words, my chest is tightening up. I have lived to control my own life for so long that the idea of letting anyone else control it is terrifying. This is going to require all of my faith, but if I can learn to stop letting the expectations of myself or others control my path, and instead to focus on God's will for my life, I know that I will do amazing things. Maybe they will be things that I think are amazing, or maybe they will be things that seem small to my human mind. At least I won't have to worry that I am on the wrong path, because I will know it is God's path. 

Thank you for reading and letting me share my testimony with you once again. Until next time....God bless!

My Rock, My Fortress, My Deliverer

I love Toby Mac's song "Changed Forever" for a lot of reasons. The biggest reason is because it keeps fresh in my mind the changes that have come about it my life, and it reminds me that all the changes came from Him, and none from me. Sure, I have determination and a deep desire to make the changes needed in my life, but that determination and desire, and the strength required, all come from God. One of my favorite words in that song is a totally made up word: change-reaction. It's like chain-reaction, only the Christian version. Now, normally a made up word would drive me nuts (English major here), but this word so perfectly describes my life in the past six months that I can't be offended by it. There have been so many positive changes, but they all stem from the fact that, six months ago today (almost to the hour of the time I am writing this) the Lord grabbed ahold of my heart, body, and life and rocked the very foundation of what my life was built upon. He gave me a new foundation, and a beautiful new life full of joy. I have said all of these things before, repeatedly, and hopefully will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I hope that there never comes a time when I am calm about the changes that God has brought about in my life. Okay, had to gush a little (lot) about what God has done, now I can move on to what He is teaching me right now.

I have been studying Christian conflict resolution. The bible tells me that I can not avoid all conflict while living in the world. John 16:33 says "These things have I spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. in the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." The words "shall have tribulation" doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room, and I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE conflict. I do everything I can to avoid it. In the past, when I couldn't avoid it, I typically reacted with guilt, blame, anger, rage, so on and so forth. Now that I am a Christian, as with every other area of my life, I am reevaluating the way I deal. The bible has some pretty good rules for dealing with conflict. I have been studying this for weeks, so I could probably make this post four or five pages long, but I think I will spare you all of that and just give you the highlights of what God is showing me. 

The biggest thing I have come to understand is that the true source of conflict is our sin and selfishness. James 4:1 says "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?". While I can't do anything about other people's attitudes and actions, I can control the way I see things and react to them. I can try to let God's thoughts and actions influence mine. Even if I become more Christ-like in my actions, I think I should have a plan for how to deal with conflict when it comes my way. And here we go...

1. Go before God to get His perspective on the conflict. God sees things differently than I do, and He reacts to things differently, and to respond the way He would wish, I need to seek His will first. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.".
2. Remember that God is bigger than the problem. 
3. Take a look at my sin and responsibility for the situation. Look for my selfishness, and find my wrong in the conflict. Own it, repent for it, correct it.
4. Pledge my commitment to a resolution. Romans 12:18 says "if it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.".
5. Pray for myself and my dealings in the conflict. Psalms 129:23-24 says "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.".
6. Prepare before I attempt to go to the person to resolve the conflict. Proverbs 16:21 says "The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning.".
7. Be completely honest when in discussion with the other person. Proverbs 12:17 says "he that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.". 
8. Act in the "opposite" spirit. If the other person is stingy, be generous. If they are mean, be kind. Return love for hatred and prayers for persecution. Romans 12:17 and Matthew 5:38-44 speak to this matter. This one really got to me. It takes the idea of turn the other cheek to a whole new level. When it says "as for the one who wants to sue you and take away your shirt, let him have your coat as well" that speaks to me. This goes far beyond just being nice. The bible is basically saying that it is better to lose the battle and act in a Christian manner, even if you are right. It's not about being right or wrong, it is about being Christ-like. This wasn't a metaphor. We should be willing to give up anything to be Christ-like, whether it be physical items or an emotional win when you know you are right. Ouch. And ouch. 
9. Permit total forgiveness. Collossians 3:13-14 says "Forbearing one another, if any man have a quarrel against any, even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.". The bible doesn't speak to just letting things hit an impasse, or agreeing to disagree, it says to forgive completely as Christ did. That's one I am going to have to work on. 

A couple other things that stuck out at me while I was studying this: 

• I should not confront someone when my motive is purely my own rights, not the benefit of the other person. (Phillipians 2:3-4)
• Sometimes it is better to be cheated than to win and have strife in the Christian family. (1 Corinthians 6:7)
• Sometimes others will harden their hearts and refuse to resolve a conflict. It is not my job to control how other people behave, it is my job to make sure my behavior pleases the Lord. God does not measure success in terms of results, but in terms of faithful obedience. 
• If the other person won't listen, resolve not to give up on finding a biblical solution. Just because the Christian method did not work with the other person does NOT mean I am free to try the secular route. 

At the end of the day, if nothing else works, the bible offers one more option, one more thing to try. It is the ultimate weapon against sin and strife: deliberate, focused love. I'm not going to have a lot of time and energy to fight with someone if I focus all of my time and energy on loving them. 

Sorry, I know this is long, but God has really taught me some cool things, and I wanted to share them with you. TTFN!

Forgive As The Lord Forgave You

I have never been very good at forgiveness. My specialty is holding a grudge, and I am a champion at it. I can play the victim very well because I naturally feel like a victim. To the way that my eyes/brain see it, I wasn't blessed with the natural beauty, smarts, or ease with people that others around me were. And once I decided that I had been dealt a bad hand, well, if I was going to be the worst in the room then I was going to be the best at being worst. And so I developed my skills at being the victim, at being unloving and unlovable, until it became so natural that it felt wrong to be anything else. As I have grown in my Christian walk, I have attempted to throw off those feelings, because I understand now that I am worth much more than I ever dreamed. I am a child of God, and He decided I was worth enough that He sent Jesus to save me. That makes me priceless. I am one of a kind, precious, and loved. I feel like that issue is resolving itself through prayer and bible study. Even though my feelings of victimization and my ability to forgive tie very closely together, the second issue appears to need more work. 

I have been wronged. We all have. That seems to be an inevitable part of life. Because we are human, no matter how good our intentions are and how much we want to do the right thing, we are going to hurt others. That means that I am going to be hurt by others, and now that I am a Christian I need to decide how God wants me to deal with those hurts. Somehow, I don't think that sulking angry and hurt in a corner while making sure the person who hurt me knows how awful they are is the way that I should be going. Doesn't feel very Christian, so I decided to research God's idea of forgiveness today. 

In the KJV of the bible, the word forgive appears 56 times, the word forgiven appears 42 times, and the word forgiveness appears 7 times. It is described in many different verses and parables. I think that the reason it is mentioned so many times is because this is such a hard concept to grasp. To look at it from a human standpoint, forgiveness has to be earned. If someone does something wrong to me, to be forgiven they must meet the following qualifications:  they must be sorry, they must never do it again, and most importantly you must want to forgive them. You should take the time to decide if you are ready to forgive. It would be even better if they were made to feel bad and punished for a while so that they could learn their lesson. However, I am quickly figuring out that is not how God sees forgiveness or how He intends it to be. 

If God forgave me the way that I forgive other people, I would be in real trouble. Big, gigantic, King Kong sized trouble. I forgive grudgingly, and only after I am SURE that the other person is sorry and has learned their lesson, and I feel that they have made it up to me. If that was how God forgave, then I would still be paying for the horrible wrongs that I have done to Him. I would never be able to make up for everything I have done. But that's not how He works, thank goodness. Once I repented and asked Him to forgive, He did just that: forgave me completely, holding nothing back, and totally forgetting every wrong I had ever done. He didn't dig the knife in a little deeper to make sure I got the point; He rejoiced that I had come home. He didn't eventually forgive me while warning me that He wasn't going to trust me to not sin again, so He wasn't going to forget. He didn't remind me subtly of who I used to be through His actions. So can I not do the same for others? If so much more has been forgiven me, can I not put away my pride so that I can pass on the feeling of grace that has been so freely given to me? 

Forgiveness, like love, is not always a feeling. Sometimes our emotions are strong, and can cause us to act towards others in ways that are not okay. When that happens, we have to make a decision to love, and forgive, the way God intends it to be: fully and without reservation, holding nothing back, and letting the wrong go. The greatest gift I have ever been given is the Lord's forgiveness and the freedom from judgement for my sins. Basically, even if my heart is hurting, and it feels like forgiveness is impossible, I have decided that I will wake up each day with a fresh decision to forgive, and to treat everyone with the same love and grace that I am blessed with. It's not complicated, it's forgiveness. It's love, the greatest commandment. Jesus set the example, and to fully realize God's plan for my life, I have to follow with all of my being. As I learn to forgive others, perhaps I will gain a greater understanding of the forgiveness that has been so generously been offered to me. 

God bless you, and thank you for reading.

All Things Are Become New

It is the morning of January 1st, 2016 and I am not hungover. I don't smell like cigarette smoke. I haven't been up for hours eating a crazy amount of food, binge watching TV, and basically hiding from the world. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night, suffering with loneliness. I am not wearing the same clothes that I have been for the last week because I don't have the energy to do more than get out of bed. I am not dressed as ugly as possible, and am not acting as ugly as possible, because of my belief that the best way to keep people away from me is to be as unattractive as possible, both physically and emotionally. I didn't lay sobbing on my bathroom floor, longing to die, wishing I was brave enough to end it all. I didn't spend the entire night telling myself that no one loved me, that I was just a bother and in the way, and that people would be glad if I just ended it. I didn't spend hours in grief for my lost baby, wallowing in my desperation to join him, while at the same time knowing that if I did manage to do one thing right and end my life properly, I still wouldn't join him because I had no relationship with God. I haven't dodged my friend's and family's phone calls because I hated the world and everyone in it. I didn't scream and yell at God, and then spend a while longer telling myself that it didn't matter, because there really was no God. 

Sadly, there is no exaggeration here. That was my life at the beginning of 2015. I was bogged down with depression and a longing to be someone else, anyone else, anyone but who I was. I embraced my addictions because they were the only things that kept me going. If I could just stay drunk enough, then I wouldn't have to think about things. I lived for my routine, food was my friend, hatred was my companion, and tears were the only constant thing in my life. Last night, as I prepared to ring in 2016 at a church service, I couldn't help but pause and see all the differences this last year has brought, or more correctly that the Lord has brought in this last year. I wanted to just take a minute and do a quick review of all the things the Lord has done in my life this year. You know how my year started out, but let's look at how it ended...

• I was saved in August.  
• I have not had a cigarette or a drink in four and a half months. 
• I attend church every week with joy in my heart. 
• I do bible studies at home and I enjoy learning what the Lord wants me to do with my life, who the Lord wants me to be. 
• Prayer used to make me uncomfortable and uneasy, now I delight it spending time talking to the Lord. 
• I am clean, dressed in clean clothes, and more importantly a smile on my face. 
• I no longer let food hold an addiction over me, and am very quickly becoming a much healthier person. I lead a much more active lifestyle, and my clothes are all getting too big, and it is exciting. 
• I actively participate in things now, from work parties, to friendly get-togethers at my house. The lonely girl that I used to be is gone. I now have more friends than I can count, and the best of my friends is the Lord. Jesus is beside me always and is my constant company. 
• I am no longer filled with bitterness that others have been blessed with children when I have not, rather I am now seeing that the Lord's plans and timing are perfect, and that I have a different calling in life than what I thought I was going to. The Lord has showed me that my life has a purpose, and that my old dreams did not fit with His wishes for me. The Lord has given me the greatest comfort that I have ever been offered. I am able to truly enjoy and love other people's children without the sour note that used to accompany it. 
• I am in the church choir and, for the first time in my life, I truly enjoy singing because I recognize it as a gift given by the Lord that can touch people. 
• My house is clean and organized, and well taken care of. I have rid it of all the negative and demonic influences that used to rule me, and everywhere you look in my house you will see a sign of He who rules my life now. 

Truly, there have been too many changes to list them all because the biggest change, my salvation, has wrought such a change in my life that no part of me has escaped. My body, my heart, my mind, my house, my activities, my words, my loves, my dreams, my wishes, my hopes, my prayers, my sorrows, my joys, my friends, every part of me and my life has been transformed by the Lord, and I am now truly experiencing joy for the first time in my life. I cannot wait to see what the Lord has planned for me in 2016, and my biggest wish is that I be aware enough of His will that I will follow His plan the whole year through. I may slip and fall along the way, but I have total faith that the Lord will see me through. Out of all the new years that I have experienced, this is the first that is full of faith, hope, love, and joy. 

My chains are gone, I've been set free. 

My God my Savior has ransomed me. 

And like a flood His mercy reigns. 

Unending love. Amazing Grace.