I was very good at avoiding others. I had spent so long running from meaningful relationships that I had convinced myself that I didn't need anyone else; I felt complete in myself. When I came to know the Lord I also came to understand that I am incomplete without Jesus. The side effect of that lesson was that I started to recognize that having other people in my life was not something that I wanted to live without. I wanted to be closer to my family. I wanted to have friends. I also felt a longing deep in my heart that I didn't know I could feel anymore. I spent so many years screaming from the top of my lungs that I was done with romantic love...that I was complete in myself. Once my heart and head opened up to the idea that I needed God in my life I realized I was not totally self-sufficient. God is the only one who can complete me but maybe, just maybe, having other people in my life was a blessing instead of a sign of weakness. And now, two years and a much softer heart later, I feel that I might finally be ready to let someone in again.
I don't have anyone in mind yet, and God hasn't directed me towards anyone, so now I am in a position that I haven't been in for years: wishing for a partner in life but not having someone. This started to bring about discontentment which has no place in my heart, life, or Christian walk. God has provided me with everything I need in life and more, so to feel discontent seems horribly ungrateful.
So now I am studying being content in the Lord, my goal being to be hopeful and anticipate what my future may hold...to have goals and dreams...but to still be grateful and appreciate what my life is right now. My life since I have come to know Jesus has been better than I ever dreamed it could be. Christ is enough for me; once I realized that contentment started filling my heart. I am enjoying my current stage of life and what I have. I have joy.
