Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's not because there hasn't been anything to write about; there has been so much going on in my life that I haven't had time to stop and share anything longer than a quick Facebook post. But I have something that I wanted to talk about and share with you guys, so I decided to stay up late tonight and get it posted, whether I had the energy or not.
My past sucked, and sometimes it tries to draw me back in. This happens in so many different ways that sometimes I can't tell that's what is happening. Sometimes the new me gets distracted by all the things the old me used to enjoy when they are put in front of me, and I lose focus of who I am supposed to be. I am so grateful that it is getting easier and easier to recognize when that is happening, and each time I pull myself back quicker and easier to the straight and narrow path that we are called to walk. However, I am now facing a new challenge with my past, and that is trying to forgive myself for it and let it go.
I understand the concept of "white as snow". Mentally I understand that I am forgiven because of the blood of Christ and that my debt has been paid by a loving God, but emotionally this is a harder concept for me to grasp. I have shared my testimony a couple of times over the past few weeks, and it has reminded me of where I came from and how bad I and my life truly was. I absolutely love sharing my testimony and wish I had more chances to do so. It is powerful beyond belief, simply because I was so bad off and God did such an amazing and drastic work in my life. I am noticing now, though, that when I talk about the past I feel lingering guilt over who I was, and even the mistakes I am still making. I hate hate hate hate hate who I was and what I did.
I struggle to forgive myself sometimes, and during those times I am finding it harder and harder to grasp the concept of a perfect God being able to forgive me. I know that He is loving and forgiving, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the difference in He and I. He is perfect, sinless, loving, just, and pure as snow. I was as sinful, shameful, and dirty as they come. I know, because the Bible states it is so, that God now sees me through Jesus and therefore I am forgiven, but my human brain is struggling to accept that and see myself the way that God does now.
I am sure some of this is satan trying to drag me down. Some of it, though, is because I am finally trying to deal with my past issues and sins. Focusing on my new life is amazing and wonderful, but I always knew at some point I was going to have to come to terms with my past. Besides, it is good that I remember who I was, so that I can keep from repeating the same sins and turning into the old me.
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