No Plan But His

Expectations are overwhelming. They come at you from every direction, demanding that you be more, do more, be better, give more, go faster, go farther. Sometimes the expectations come from others. The people in your life want you to succeed, and they are sure that they know what is best for you. They just KNOW that if you take the path that they think you should be on then you will do amazing. Sometimes the expectations come from inside. We compare ourselves (and our journeys) to others, and decide that if we can't do as well as the other person does then we must not be trying hard enough. If we will just give a little more, then we can match up.  

Because of my bipolar disorder, I judge myself very harshly. I look at the people surrounding me, and I see people who are accepted by others, who don't behave strangely, who don't have mood swings that they can't control, people who are "normal". I am exhausted from trying to keep up with the rest of the world, and it is pointless because God never intended for me to compare myself to other people. To compare myself to them is unfair to both myself and the other person. I don't have any clue what they are going through, what they have to fight to be who they are. They have struggles that I can't begin to see or understand, and they have talents that I shouldn't try to mimic. I have my own talents and struggles that are here to help me become the person God wants me to be. I have been struggling with this, and because God is the loving Father that He is, He gave me a double dose of advice yesterday. Both my Sunday school lesson and the sermon hit me hard and in the best possible way.

Between my full-time job and my part-time job, I have been working 70 hours weeks for a little while. I have made amazing progress, but I am exhausted. Because of that, I have missed a couple of church services, and more than a few bible study sessions at home. When I came to church yesterday, the feeling of relief was severe and wonderful! The feeling reminded me of when I have an asthma attack. I have them every now and again, and they are miserable. Even with my inhaler, it takes a little bit of time before I feel like I am getting air again. It is an oppressive feeling to go without air, and it is painful. Once the medication kicks in, it is a rush of relief. The air comes freely again, I can breathe again, I am comfortable again. When I opened my Sunday School book yesterday, it was like a breath of air entered my life again, and I knew that this is what I had been missing. I had been so focused on making my life successful and normal that I forgot what the foundation of my life was supposed to be. 

Part of the reason that I want to be successful is because I don't want to fail God. I am grateful everyday for the new life that He has granted me, and I don't want to waste it. I guess I forgot that I judge success differently than God does. I want to make a mark, do something spectacular. God just wants my love and obedience. In Sunday school we talked about the different meanings of the word 'perfect'. I am forever trying to be perfect, to make no mistakes, to succeed where I have always failed before. But my teacher showed me that perfect can also means to continually work towards being more Christ-like. Something for me to think and work on. 

God used yesterday's sermon to touch me as well. Like I said, I have been trying to do things my way instead of God's way, and He wanted to correct that. We studied John 4:34 and what it is to do God's will. It is a scary thing to totally give up control of my life and accept that I will do whatever God wants, but I am learning that trying to live my life according to my will is even scarier. No matter how hard I try, I will always be exhausted if I am fighting the will of God and trying to go down the wrong path. It is pointless to fight God or to lie to God. It just doesn't work, and so I am giving in. Even as I type the words, my chest is tightening up. I have lived to control my own life for so long that the idea of letting anyone else control it is terrifying. This is going to require all of my faith, but if I can learn to stop letting the expectations of myself or others control my path, and instead to focus on God's will for my life, I know that I will do amazing things. Maybe they will be things that I think are amazing, or maybe they will be things that seem small to my human mind. At least I won't have to worry that I am on the wrong path, because I will know it is God's path. 

Thank you for reading and letting me share my testimony with you once again. Until next time....God bless!