If Thine Eye Offend Thee

This past week has been filled with an intense panic. It wasn't just that something was wrong. It was more like something was missing, and I couldn't figure out what it was. And then two days ago I had a moment of understanding: I couldn't feel God, not at all. I felt almost as empty as I used to before. Before August. Before coming in repentance to God and accepting Him as my Lord and Savior. It was absolutely terrifying. 

Now, I know that I wasn't without God. I am saved, through Jesus, once and always. I also know that being saved isn't always about feelings. In fact, sometimes our faith has to be completely apart from our inconstant human emotions. But I should always feel God at the foundation of my being and of my life. So I had to figure out what happened. 

I know that God doesn't move, He is a fixed point, so I must have moved. I started to take serious stock of who I was and what my life was like, and I realized that I had backslidden without even realizing it. My old self snuck up on me, quiet as a mouse, and I let her have some control back without meaning to. So my next logical question was HOW? How did she show back up to the party without my inviting her? And that is when I realized that I did invite her, in a million small ways. I just didn't realize I was doing it. 

I guess there is a reason that the bible says many will fail to stay on the straight and narrow path. If you turn away, even for a second, you can easily end up miles off the path, which is exactly what I did. I let things that were supposed to be totally out of my life creep back in. And this is how easily it happened: 

1. I told myself that I didn't HAVE to listen to just Christian music. Classical music isn't bad. And so I added it in. 
2. I told myself that going to the movie theater to watch a movie once was different than owning a secular movie, so it wasn't the same. And to the theater I went.
3. I told myself that, as long as the music didn't have cuss words or bad themes, what was the harm? I mean, if soothing classical music is good, then soothing secular music can be good to. And so I added it back in. 
4. I told myself that I could save money if I rented movies from Netflix instead of watching them in theaters, plus it would give me a welcome break from all the hard work I was doing. And so I signed up for Netflix and added a bunch of movies that I had gotten rid of, because that was different than owning them. 
5. I started questioning what a cuss word REALLY was. After all, I am sure some of the words we consider bad were not even words back then, so it is not expressly forbidden. Besides, I was so much stronger now. I could handle it. And so music with cussing was introduced back in. 
6. I told myself that only watching movies during meals was stupid. I should be able to relax on my days off. And so I started marathon movie days again.

And that is how it happened. That is how, over two months, I baby-stepped my way back to who I used to be. I found myself watching three or four hours of movies/TV shows a day, listening to music that cussed and took the Lord's name in vain, but was having trouble finding time to crack open my bible or pray. And pretty soon, depressed and miserable Angela started rearing her ugly head. 

After realizing what happened, a bible verse came to mind. The verse that kept repeating in my head was Matthew 18:8-9. The basic premise: if something causes you to struggle with who the Lord wants you to be, get rid of it. Toss it out. But didn't I already do that? I got rid of everything, and yet it found a way back in. And so I decided that, if just getting rid of the bad stuff didn't work, then I would get rid of the thing that enabled me to have the bad stuff...and so I gave away my television and DVD player. I wanted them out. And just like that, I have tons of free time for bible study and prayer. The last two days have been amazing, and I feel closer to God again. I still have some ground to gain back, but I am steadily on my way. 

I also got rid of any music that isn't Christian. If it doesn't stick this time, I will get rid of my MP3 player and CD player. I don't want to, because music moves me, and my Christian music moves me towards God. But, if I find that I can't keep the old me out, then I will. I guess we will have to wait and see. Maybe one day I will be able to face these temptations and say no, but for now I will settle for avoiding the problem altogether. It may mean I am not as strong as others, strong enough to face them and say no, but it does mean that I am strong enough to give up everything that keeps me from God. That works for me. 

Thank you for reading this very long post, and for allowing me to share my struggles and triumphs with you. TTFN!