Content Whatever The Circumstances

When I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior two years ago many things changed in my life, both physically and emotionally. Many of these changes were not just expected, they were my deepest desire. There have been some unforeseen changes as well. When I stopped longing to die I started longing to really live. i found myself back out in the world that I had hated for so long, and surrounded by the people that I had been avoiding.

I was very good at avoiding others. I had spent so long running from meaningful relationships that I had convinced myself that I didn't need anyone else; I felt complete in myself. When I came to know the Lord I also came to understand that I am incomplete without Jesus. The side effect of that lesson was that I started to recognize that having other people in my life was not something that I wanted to live without. I wanted to be closer to my family. I wanted to have friends. I also felt a longing deep in my heart that I didn't know I could feel anymore. I spent so many years screaming from the top of my lungs that I was done with romantic love...that I was complete in myself. Once my heart and head opened up to the idea that I needed God in my life I realized I was not totally self-sufficient. God is the only one who can complete me but maybe, just maybe, having other people in my life was a blessing instead of a sign of weakness. And now, two years and a much softer heart later, I feel that I might finally be ready to let someone in again.

I don't have anyone in mind yet, and God hasn't directed me towards anyone, so now I am in a position that I haven't been in for years: wishing for a partner in life but not having someone. This started to bring about discontentment which has no place in my heart, life, or Christian walk. God has provided me with everything I need in life and more, so to feel discontent seems horribly ungrateful. 

So now I am studying being content in the Lord, my goal being to be hopeful and anticipate what my future may hold...to have goals and dreams...but to still be grateful and appreciate what my life is right now. My life since I have come to know Jesus has been better than I ever dreamed it could be. Christ is enough for me; once I realized that contentment started filling my heart. I am enjoying my current stage of life and what I have. I have joy.

Conflict In Spades

Conflict: to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; to clash.

I have never dealt well when I am having conflict with others. I don't know how to fight fair or honestly, and I never cared to try before. When I had an argument or disagreement with someone before I was saved I had one reaction: go full rage mode and do my best to cut them out of my life. Sometimes it lasted for only a few hours and then I made up with the person, other times I could refuse to speak with that person for months. I would walk around feeling victimized and righteous in my anger towards them. Sure, I was probably justified a few times in my upset, but I had my share of blame too...not that I ever cared to examine where I went wrong in situations. 

Since I became a Christian a couple of years ago I have been having less fights with the people around me, simply because the bone-deep rage that I used to live with has been replaced with the love of Christ. His love for me has become an ever-present companion, and because of that I have love in my heart for others. The few disagreements I have had with others in the last two years were short-lived and resolved themselves before I had to learn to deal with the situation in a Christian manner. To expect that to continue was unrealistic. Life is full of conflict, some healthy, some not so much...

This week conflict came to me in spades. It was messy and ugly, and it was with someone who is a major player in my life. I am now looking back at the situation and trying to figure out if I went wrong and, if so, where. The best that I can tell is that, upon meeting opposition, I reverted back to my old friends resentment and rebellion. This is about more than just fighting like an adult or being right/wrong. I am not trying to find justification or to have someone tell me that I am in the right. I am trying to figure out how to deal lovingly, firmly, and most important Christian-like in conflict. 

I checked out Acts 15:36-41 where Paul and Barnabas got into it over taking along a young man on their mission trip. Paul didn't want to because, on the last mission trip, that young man left midway through which showed a lack of commitment. Barnabas thought that he should get to go. The bible doesn't specify that one was right and one was wrong. It seemed to take no opinion on it which I thought was cool because that means the point isn't who was right, it was that conflict between believers doesn't have to be insane. As humans we are not always going to agree about decisions on how to live our lives but, as long as the way we want to live doesn't go against what the Lord commands in the bible, we can find a way to disagree respectfully and lovingly. 

So that is my goal now: to find a way to make my decisions and disagree with others without flipping my lid and behaving in a rash manner. This is about more than just this one conflict; life is going to keep throwing conflict at me and if I don't learn how to deal with other people in a Christ-like manner I am going to spend my whole life feeling guilty for hurting someone, resentful that I am being made to feel guilty, or jut beating my head against a emotional brick wall. I just want to respond like Jesus did when He came into conflict: honest and firm but full of love.

Not there yet, but I am working on it.

This Is Eternal Life

Two years ago yesterday my entire life changed. Up until August 4th, 2015 my days were full of wondering if there was any point to my life, if it were too late for me to be anything more than what I already was, and if God even existed. I wasn't too far off when I wondered if there was any point to my life. Before that day my life was nothing more than moments strung together: moments of getting drunk until I passed out, moments of finding affection wherever I could, moments of chain smoking a pack of cigarettes until I couldn't breathe, moments of lying to myself and to everyone around me about who I was and what my life was, moments of longing to die, moments of trying to end my life subconsciously through my addictions, and occasionally moments of attempting to end my life through more drastic means. I lived for nothing except the next moment and hoped that next moment would be full of pleasure instead of pain; more often than not my hopes were for nothing. Pain ruled my life and my heart. Then two years ago, in a streak of white lightening through my heart and my life, God gave me an opportunity to change everything and accept Him as my Lord and give my life to Him. I did so and I haven't been the same, a decision I am grateful for every day.

I have talked many times in this blog about my salvation experience but if you haven't gotten to hear it in full please check out my first three blog posts. Sometimes I reread them when I am feeling down or when the whispers of my old life start back up in my brain. I love to tell the story of how God changed my life and had planned on doing so in this post but I am honestly not feeling so good today so I am going to wrap this post up pretty quickly. I was just so excited to share this milestone with you all that I made myself come to the library to write up this post. 

I am so grateful that you all have been on this journey with me, watching to see all of the ways that God has changed me and my life. I know that I talk a lot about all of the outward changes that He has worked in my life but there is so much more than that. My heart is changing all the time. Sure, I still have angry, doubting, or unloving thoughts but I am becoming quicker to recognize them and let Christ shine through instead. I still screw up and sin all the time (human and all that) but I feel like I growing closer each day to being the woman that the Lord wants me to be. 

The past two years have been a wild ride full of joys, failed tests, conquered temptations, and lessons learned from God's word and His Holy Spirit. Two years ago I was saved through Jesus's sacrifice. Because of that I am now sober, happy, and have a reason to live. I am here to love and worship God, and to be loved by God. I couldn't dream of a better life.

If I Told You My Story

I have always had felt a deep need to fit in with the people around me. When I realized my fitting-in with the population in general was unlikely to happen I switched to trying to impress others. I don’t particularly like this need in myself and am working to rid myself of it but for now it is a very strong motivator in my life. I spend so much time trying to impress others instead of just living my life that I find myself forgetting why I am doing what I am doing sometimes. Is it because others think I should, because I think I should, or because God thinks I should?

The biggest negative to this behavior pattern is that it affects my witness for Christ. The way I describe my life to others is significantly altered when my conversations are rooted in the need to be praised. Because I want people to be impressed by me and to give me all the credit I have found myself editing out God’s part in all of the amazing changes in my life. One day I was having a conversation at the gym and I told someone that I had gotten rid of my television and computer so that I wasn’t a couch potato because I wanted to get healthy. As soon as I heard myself say that I heard my brain scream “WHAT????”! The truth is I got rid of the television and computer because they were addictions for me and I wanted the focus of my life to be God. In fact, God demands that He be the focus of my life and He directly instructed me to get those things out of my life. And yet here I stood, so determined to have others by impressed by me that I completely edited God out of the equation and altered the heart of the story. Once I started paying attention to this habit I had developed I noticed that, when I told people the story of the changes in my life, I would tell different versions depending on who I was talking to and what reasoning would impress them the most.

Since the day God showed me what was happening I have had a specific prayer on repeat: God, let me be brave and honest when I tell people about why I am not the person I used to be. God is answering my prayer and is helping me to be mindful of those situations when I am tempted to take the credit for something that I didn’t do. Sure, I implemented the changes in my life, but ONLY at God’s direction and through His guidance.

The other day I was having the same conversation with a couple of people at the gym and they asked me what happened in my life to start all of the changes and I will admit that I was very tempted to take the credit again. Firstly, I am selfish and self-centered and like being praised and if I gave God the credit I wouldn’t get any. Secondly, once some people hear me start talking about how God has changed my life they start tuning me out and I love to share my story and talk to others. If they didn’t like my response the conversation might be over and I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. I thought for a very brief second and decided to take the leap and go back to giving God the credit that He deserves. I told them the truth, that I got saved two years ago and the only reason that I got rid of those things, the only reason that I was in the gym, the only reason that I was alive that day to tell my story, was because of God. One person gave me a very strange look and seemed less than interested. The other person, however, was delighted. I found myself thinking that I had kept one at least. In the end though, after much thought, it doesn’t matter if everyone I tell the truth about God decides they aren’t interested in hearing my story or getting to know me. Matthew 5:16 says “Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.”. The bible doesn’t say for me to tell others about Jesus and my life so that I can be praised, popular, and happy. It says to tell others so that they can see God shining through me and give Him praise.

Not going to lie, that was one tough pill to swallow. It goes against my nature to let someone else have any credit for my life, no matter how well deserved. This is going to be something I have to work towards for a while, probably, but I want to make sure that my life is all about giving the glory to God and not myself.

Have a great weekend!

For What I Want To Do

I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person, honest and helpful and kind. And yet...sometimes I do the wrong thing. I spend a good portion of my time trying to figure out how I can want so badly to do the right thing and still screw it up so often. In Romans 7:15 one of the most sold-out-to-Christ people ever, Paul, wrote these words expressing how he struggled with doing the right thing.

I have yet to find another verse that so clearly expresses how I feel in the moment when I want to do the right thing but find myself doing the wrong thing anyway. Recently, I made a mistake. I did something that was wrong and it didn't even occur to me that it was wrong while I was doing it. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized what I had done. Even worse, the thing that I did (if it was found out) had serious consequences.

My first thought was how to hide it so that no one would find out. I had already mentioned it to two people and my first instinct was to beg them not to tell anyone. I followed that instinct and pleaded with them, and they (being the nice people that they are) felt compelled to comfort me and reassure me that they would keep my secret. I felt an instant relief that my secret was safe. That relief didn't last long.

We have been given the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide us as we go through this life, to show us the straight path and to give us courage in time of temptation and trials. Less that 30 seconds after the relief I felt something point out that I was compounding an unintentional mistake with a deliberate sin. Worse still, I was dragging in two others and trying to force them into lying as well. The only good thing I did that afternoon was to listen to that voice. I pointed out that fact and told them that I wanted to own up to what I had done and confess willingly. No human prompted this, and it certainly wasn't what my deep-down selfish part wanted to do. This was purely the Spirit of God guiding me. The relief on their faces was huge. They wanted to do the right thing, and I guarantee they would have eventually been honest with the people that I had wronged.

I realize now that, had I not listened to the Spirit, I would have been found out anyway and I would have been branded the liar that I originally committed to be. Instead, because I chose to listen and obey, I was granted forgiveness and understanding from the ones that I had wronged and was viewed as an honest person who would do the right thing. That is all that want to be: an honest and Christ-like person, someone that people can see God's love and righteousness shining through. I have no righteousness on my own, only through God can I claim any good at all.

Doing the wrong thing comes more naturally to us. We have inherited a natural tendency to sin. Adam and Eve got the sin ball rolling but we eagerly follow suit. On this side of heaven, we are going to struggle. Our bodies will struggle, our minds will struggle, our hearts will struggle. God gave us the Holy Spirit to help guide us. Our instincts and wishes and wants can be wrong and can tempt us to do bad things. I need to remember to ask the Holy Spirit to lead me in all things. If I don’t listen to the Holy Spirit then I will end up trying to please the world and myself instead of God.

I have never been more grateful for the voice inside of me which is proof that God is not going to give up on me. God is still lovingly working on me because He loves me and I matter to Him. I am humbled and overwhelmed by that thought, and so very grateful.

Thanks for reading and I hope that you all have a great weekend!

Where Is Your Faith?

It is very easy, when things are going good in my life, for me to say that I would live by faith if things were to start getting harder in my life. Filled with my over-sized sense of piety I watch others who are going through rough times and think to myself that, were it me having the troubles, I would be doing what the bible says and simply trusting in God (notice how full of pride and judgement I am, we'll have to save that for a future blog post). Yep, there I sit, covered with my pride and content that my faith must be deeper than that of those struggling around me. I start congratulating myself and then it happens...

something goes wrong...

not even a big something...

and I flip out in the most spectacular way...

All of a sudden I am faced with a slight hiccup to the plans that I have for my life (see how I am focused on my plans instead of God's plans...another future blog post in the making) and I forget all of that "faith" stuff. 

In Luke 8:25, after the disciples watch Jesus do amazing things they get into a boat with Him. When the waters start to toss them around and upset the boat they go to the Lord in a panic. Jesus, in response, asks them a very basic question: where is your faith? He then calms the waters and they are left astounded by Him. Inevitably that is what happens in my life: something upsets my boat and, instead of trusting that God will see me through the storm, I go to Him in panicked prayer. There is nothing wrong with praying when life's struggles come at you, but I would rather do it with a heart full of trust and faith. 

I can find all sorts of excuses for my behavior if I want to, I guess: girl-hormones, OCD, bipolar, or simply my instinct to plan being thwarted. Maybe some of those things play a role, maybe not. Focusing on human excuses will get me nowhere so instead I am going to focus on a God-centered solution. After taking time to think and pray I can only see one sure-fired way to help me avoid that happening again and that is to become so grounded in the Word and prayer that it becomes instinctive to lean on Him before I freak.

I want to seek out a way to make faith such a habit that my brain will automatically override the panic that hits when life goes kaboom. It is a lofty goal, I know, but one that I think is worth working towards. So then I tried to decide the best way to make faith my first reaction to struggles and troubles and I found myself quoting my pastor's wife: stay in the Word. Such a simple answer for such a spectacular meltdown issue. It will take time, but I can't think of a better way to spend the time that God gives me. So that is my goal: to fill me head and heart with so much of God's Word and will that I don't blink when troubles happen. Instead I will bow my head and simply say "Thy will be done". 

Thanks for reading and I hope that you have a great weekend!

Fully Satisfied

Man, have I gotten crazy busy! That is the only excuse I can offer as to why it has been so long without a blog post. I am super sorry, but I am back. I am going to try to resume posting once a week. That being said: here we go!

Satisfied, content, pleased...that is the goal isn't it? Everyone seems to be searching for satisfaction in some form or another. There are lots of different places people try to find their satisfaction: emotional love, physical love, money, employment, friends, hobbies, possessions...the list is endless. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with those things, but they aren't what should bring us satisfaction. Only a right relationship with God can bring us true satisfaction.

As I mentioned right off the bat, I have been crazy busy lately! I have begun to notice this past week that my schedule has gotten insanely hectic, so much so that I have to schedule "relaxation" time. That got me to thinking about Mary and Martha. Most of us know the story: Jesus comes to Mary and Martha's house and, while Mary is listening to Jesus, Martha is toiling away in the kitchen trying to get dinner on. Now, I know what I am supposed to say about that passage; I am supposed to say how crazy Martha is for ignoring the fact the Savior was in her LIVING ROOM and was instead cooking and cleaning and doing "life stuff". But then I realized...don't I do that sometimes? And that is when I realize I had more in common with Martha than I thought.

I let things in my life get me so busy that I forget that I have the Father available to talk to, the Son as my best friend, and the Spirit inside me. I get so busy working, cleaning, exercising at the gym, yada yada yada, that I forget to spend real quality time with God. Again, there is nothing wrong with any of those things unless I let them take priority to my time with God. So then I asked myself: How do I work hard like Martha but have a heart like Mary?

I love the new life that God has given me since I was saved almost two years ago. I enjoy the fact that I take pride in myself and my home and am living my life as a hardworking member of the family of God. But can I truly be living my life as fully as possible if I am not keeping my focus on God instead of the day to day things? This life that I have been given, that we are all given, is a gift from God to be enjoyed. The bible straight-up says so. 

So here I am trying to find the delicate balance between being diligent like Proverbs 13:4 says to, enjoying life as Ecclesiastes 3:12 says to, and remembering to have a Mary heart in a Martha world. This is not the easiest line to walk. I know this is the part of the blog where I am supposed to tell you how I have learned my lesson and overcame this obstacle. No go folks. Oh, I know what lesson I am supposed to learn (and I am trying real hard) but I am not there yet. No neat, wrapped-up ending this week. In fact, in a few weeks, you will probably be seeing a very similar blog post where I am still trying to work this issue out. Such is being an imperfect human. I am just grateful that God is still working on me, helping me to grow to be who He wants me to be. 

Have a great weekend!

I Am Who I Am

Something really cool happened this past week that changed all aspects of my relationship with God: the way that I saw God was changed and it was awesome! My view of God up until a few days ago was pretty vague; I knew He existed and was up 'there' somewhere. Prayer felt less like a conversation and more like a way to list my sins and the things I was grateful for and then just say amen. Bible study felt like a history lesson. Don't get me wrong, these things were very powerful to me and I knew that they were good. It was just hard to really picture a Being so powerful that He could be everywhere at once...hard to understand that my words being spoken in a room with me alone could be heard by someone else...all of it just hard to really grasp.

I think this may have been part of the reason that my faith was found to be lacking every now and again. I didn't have a real understanding of the monumental awesomeness that God's presence, words, and relationship with me were. I have been praying to God to help my faith to grow, to help me see Jesus, to help my doubts to shrink. Matthew 7:7 says: Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. I was knocking pretty hard and I definitely was seeking, and the Lord answered my prayers. There was a very clear moment where the reality of how real God is struck me.

I have known He existed for a long while, but this was different. My brain was confronted with the reality that God was not some invisible untouchable something in the sky, He is my creator and a tangible being residing in Heaven. Heaven itself became a real place, not just this amorphous dream-like place. Suddenly everything that I do in my life feels different. When I pray now, it truly feels like a conversation. I know down to the deepest part of me that He not only CAN hear me, but He IS listening at that moment. When I study my bible, I understand the magnificence of a book that literally records God's words. This is not just another book that I study, right along with every other bible study book. In Matthew 17, Peter saw Jesus talking to Moses and Elijah and was happy with it, and suggested that he make all three of them a shrine at that spot. He put them all on the same level, even though one was a law giver, one a prophet, and one our Savior. The other two couldn't come close to Jesus, no human could. Just the same, no other Christian bible study I do can come close to the bible.

The idea of the Holy Spirit inside of me has made me more aware of my actions and my physical sins. When He said the Holy Spirit would be with us, I understand now that He meant literally. Not only is God the Father aware and loving me from heaven, He has given me a part of Himself to stay with me at all times. The idea that I can sin as long as it is not when I am having my "Christian time" during the day is gone. God never leaves me, and that has become very real to me. That is incredibly convicting and incredible comforting. I am beginning to understand what the God means when He says He will never leave me.

I am so grateful to God every time He helps me grow closer to Himself, and this was one of those times. This was a game-changer for me. I am not delusional enough to think that I can finally comprehend God is all His glory; I cannot comprehend everything that God is, or see God completely because my human brain cannot hold that knowledge. There is a reason God came in the thunder or a burning bush: our sinful bodies and minds just can't handle Him in His full glory. But the Lord has helped me to come to see Him in a more real way that is helping me connect to Him and to His will in a better way, and that is an answer to a prayer that I have been praying for a long time.

Thanks for reading!

In All Your Ways

These past two weeks I have been coming to a realization: life is like pie (go with me here). Our lives are like a pie pan full of different slices that make it up. We have our family slice, our work slice, our friend slice, so on and so forth. All of the things that we enjoy become pieces of this pie. For me, there was the slice for my love of reading, my organization, my nieces and nephews, so on and so forth. As I was reviewing my life, I came to another realization: I had relegated my Christianity to being just a slice of the pie. My walk with God was a part of my life, but that is not how it should be. My walk with God should be my WHOLE life. He isn't supposed to be a slice of the pie, He should be the pie pan, the thing that holds all of the pieces together.

Is this why my walk with Him had stalled? Prayer time had become something written down on my schedule to do every day. Bible study was a part of my routine. I listened to Christian music while I was doing these things, because this was my "bible time".  Attending church services was something on my calendar. My prayer wall had become just decorations on my wall, not something I looked to when I was talking to God. God had become a part of my schedule, which is absolutely backwards and ridiculous. But then I also had the things in my life that were totally apart and separate from the "God slice" and I got to thinking...shouldn't all of the slices contain God, shouldn't He be a part of my every activity and relationship?

If I am walking in His will, then the other slices of my life will have to fit in my Christian life. In all of my ways I am supposed to acknowledge and consult Him. It is more than asking "what would Jesus do". It is also asking "what would Jesus say if He saw you doing that" and "would you watch this movie if Jesus was sitting right beside you" and "would Jesus laugh at that joke". When I realized I was answering "no" to most of those questions, I decided it was time to reevaluate my life again. As with most things in my life, I didn't come to this realization on my own; God had to get my attention. I won't go in to how He did that, but let's just say it has been a not-so-fun situation and I am still going through it. He is reminding me of where my focus should be and it has been painful (as loving correction by a parent sometimes has to be). 

Since He has gotten my attention and turned my head back in the right direction (directly facing Him) my prayers have become heartfelt again, bible verses have touched my heart, church lessons have grabbed my attention, worship songs have made me cry, and bible study has become a "get-to" thing instead of a "have-to" thing. In all my ways I am trying to seek His advice and guidance. So I guess the thing is this: if I had to go through this fire to get me closer to Him, then it is worth it. Man, I can't believe I said that because this struggle is awful, but it is true. Better that I suffer here on earth and grow closer to Him and become more Christ-like until I go to Heaven, than for me to have an easy life here on earth and when I get to Heaven realize that I did not seek Him as I should while I was alive. Hard truth, but still a truth. Like the bible says, God can work all things for the good of those who love Him.

Thanks for reading, and have a great week!

My Foot Is Slipping

When you start reading this, probably one of your first thoughts is going to be "this is depressing.". That thought will probably quickly be followed by "let's close this page". Do me a favor, hang in there. This is not a depressing post, it is simply dealing with a serious and complex issue that Christians with mental illness go through sometimes. As with any situation where you learn to lean on God, it has a happy ending. ☺

It is a normal day. You have a great day at work, and you start to head to your sister's house, ready to have a great play time with her kids and then after that go to a bible study which you are really looking forward to. Then you start having a little trouble breathing. No big deal, it happens, you have asthma. You will take your inhaler and you will be fine. Within the next 60 seconds, though, you realize you are not okay: You are dying. Your face is tingly, you can't get air, your throat is swollen shut, your chest hurts, you are going to pass out. Your sister isn't in the car, she is inside the daycare getting her kids. No one can help, you are going to die alone. Pure panic hits you so strong that you know you can't survive it. You begin to wonder if you should start screaming "call 911" when reason takes over a small piece of your brain and you realize that you aren't dying, you are simply having a panic attack. It is an awful, insane feeling and you are shocked at the strength of it. By the end of it, you not only miss your bible study but you barely manage to stay out of the ER. It takes hours to slow your body and brain down enough that you start to believe you are going to be okay. Then, because your mind is a fragile thing, it takes you several days to recuperate from it, days where you think that it is happening again and again and again. That happened to me this past week, and it made me start thinking about my faith and trust in the Lord.

There are so many verses in the bible telling you not to worry. If you have true faith in God, then why should a situation worry you? You are in God's hands and He knows the future. So when you have an issue like anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, or one of the many other mental health issues out there, you start to wonder....is my faith just not strong enough? If I truly believe that God is in control, then why can't I calm down during a panic attack? What does it mean when you have taken your medicine, prayed for help, read your bible, and are still suffering? In my head, it meant I was weak. I started to hate myself and what I perceived to be my fickle faith. Where was the strong faith I thought I had?

My first question, and one that has plagued me over and over: Is my mental illness biblical? Let me be clear: I am not a psych doctor. I am not judging anyone else's mental illness, just my own. I am trying to decide if it is an actual illness or if it is me letting Satan run my life. After a lot of research, thought, and prayer, I have come to believe that it is not only very real, but very natural. If you are diagnosed with diabetes, you don't go home and wonder if a greater faith would have saved you from it. Our bodies are mortal and will wither with time, and that includes our brains. Some people experience these issues as they get older, but others of us experience these symptoms much younger. It does not mean my faith was lacking, it simply means that my body is weak. Even more important, through these issues, God can strengthen my belief in Him.

When I was first saved, I thought that God giving me the strength meant that I would be able to ignore the bad things like they weren't happening. Instead, I am discovering that it means that I have a solid rock to lean on and cry out to, even when He does not choose to heal me or make it go away. Paul had his thorn in the flesh, John had his exile...I am sure they had their horrible moments. They probably were not able to go through them like they weren't happening, but they learned that rejoicing and praising God through the trials gave them a greater faith. And in the end, isn't that what we are supposed to desire? So if this is a way to gain a greater faith, then I should be grateful for my trials.

My second question: because this has happened several times right before a bible study, does that mean that I am secretly trying to get out of going, or that Satan is attacking me? The answer to the first question is a strong no. But knowing that I have had a couple of attacks right before this bible study does make sense if you look at it this way: If you climbed the same set of stairs everyday for a months with no issue, but then one day you fell down those stairs, would you not be a little more hesitant the next time you climbed those stairs? The memory of the fall would be fresh in your mind, and you would worry that it would happen again. It doesn't matter that your brain knows it was a freak, one-time thing. You will still be a little scared. So going in to a building where I have felt extreme pain is naturally going to bring back stress. As to whether or not Satan is using that to attack me, I don't know. All I can do is keep trying to go and forgive myself when I can't, praying and praising either way.

At the end of all this, I guess the lesson I am learning is to be patient with myself. Being a Christian does not mean the bad days won't come, or that I can just gloss over them when they do. What it means is that I can rejoice in the Lord always, and understand that He can work all things for good for those that love Him. I pray all the time for more faith, and for a greater understanding of faith. Maybe this is how He is answering that prayer. I must not lean on my own understanding, but trust that His ways are higher. He sees the whole tapestry, not just the small piece of thread that is currently visible to me. And so now, as I am mentally still falling to pieces, I am praising the Lord in my head and trusting that I am in the palm of His righteous right hand.

Thanks for reading and God bless you all!