Something really cool happened this past week that changed all aspects of my relationship with God: the way that I saw God was changed and it was awesome! My view of God up until a few days ago was pretty vague; I knew He existed and was up 'there' somewhere. Prayer felt less like a conversation and more like a way to list my sins and the things I was grateful for and then just say amen. Bible study felt like a history lesson. Don't get me wrong, these things were very powerful to me and I knew that they were good. It was just hard to really picture a Being so powerful that He could be everywhere at once...hard to understand that my words being spoken in a room with me alone could be heard by someone else...all of it just hard to really grasp.
I think this may have been part of the reason that my faith was found to be lacking every now and again. I didn't have a real understanding of the monumental awesomeness that God's presence, words, and relationship with me were. I have been praying to God to help my faith to grow, to help me see Jesus, to help my doubts to shrink. Matthew 7:7 says: Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. I was knocking pretty hard and I definitely was seeking, and the Lord answered my prayers. There was a very clear moment where the reality of how real God is struck me.
I have known He existed for a long while, but this was different. My brain was confronted with the reality that God was not some invisible untouchable something in the sky, He is my creator and a tangible being residing in Heaven. Heaven itself became a real place, not just this amorphous dream-like place. Suddenly everything that I do in my life feels different. When I pray now, it truly feels like a conversation. I know down to the deepest part of me that He not only CAN hear me, but He IS listening at that moment. When I study my bible, I understand the magnificence of a book that literally records God's words. This is not just another book that I study, right along with every other bible study book. In Matthew 17, Peter saw Jesus talking to Moses and Elijah and was happy with it, and suggested that he make all three of them a shrine at that spot. He put them all on the same level, even though one was a law giver, one a prophet, and one our Savior. The other two couldn't come close to Jesus, no human could. Just the same, no other Christian bible study I do can come close to the bible.
The idea of the Holy Spirit inside of me has made me more aware of my actions and my physical sins. When He said the Holy Spirit would be with us, I understand now that He meant literally. Not only is God the Father aware and loving me from heaven, He has given me a part of Himself to stay with me at all times. The idea that I can sin as long as it is not when I am having my "Christian time" during the day is gone. God never leaves me, and that has become very real to me. That is incredibly convicting and incredible comforting. I am beginning to understand what the God means when He says He will never leave me.
I am so grateful to God every time He helps me grow closer to Himself, and this was one of those times. This was a game-changer for me. I am not delusional enough to think that I can finally comprehend God is all His glory; I cannot comprehend everything that God is, or see God completely because my human brain cannot hold that knowledge. There is a reason God came in the thunder or a burning bush: our sinful bodies and minds just can't handle Him in His full glory. But the Lord has helped me to come to see Him in a more real way that is helping me connect to Him and to His will in a better way, and that is an answer to a prayer that I have been praying for a long time.
Thanks for reading!
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