Who am I, Lord?

When a child is born, they don't know how to walk, talk, feed themselves, or do other things that adults can do without a thought. Their personality also has to be learned, to develop. According to Parenting.com, babies are born with a few personality traits, but most will be learned. When asked the question "How soon will I know that my baby is like?" their response was "Some traits are obvious almost from birth; others will become apparent by 3 or 4 months. And some may evolve in intensity.". As a new Christian, I am reading this information with more than a little interest, since in Corinthians Paul describes new Christians as babes in Christ. 

Since August 4th, I have been telling myself and everyone else that would listen that the person I was before is dead and gone. I was so happy to toss aside the miserable person that I was and start a new life through Christ. What I didn't think about or understand was that someone new was going to take the place of the person I was. Yes, I gave up music, movies, and books that were bad for me, but now my shelves are filling up with new things I love. I gave up cussing and telling dirty jokes, but now my words can raise people up and comfort them, and my jokes can make people (including myself) laugh without leading me down a dark path. The couch potato who would eat constantly for comfort is now the girl walking at Creekmore every day and watching what she eats, so that she can enjoy a full life like God wants her to. The woman who didn't open her bible for years has been replaced by a woman that hates to stop her bible study (because I am always at a good part). The list goes on and on...Instead of seeing just the things I stopped being, I am starting to notice the things that I am becoming. 

The other day I was talking to my mother, telling her again why I really couldn't go to Sunday School. Going to church for the sermon was one thing, at least I didn't have to sit with anyone else, or be noticed; going to Sunday School with a smaller group of people would be torture for me. I reminded her that the last time I tried, I was sick to my stomach after the end of class and I left the church practically in tears. She reminded me that I wasn't a Christian when I tried before, that my focus was on the wrong things. Once I thought about that for a while, it sunk in that I shouldn't make any assumptions about who I am anymore, or what I can handle. I am a new creation in Christ, and I am going to have to stop letting the fears and hangups of the woman who died affect the woman who now lives. 

Even as I type these words, the dark whispers in my head start. Sometimes, when I am at church and am talking to a group of other members who are kind to me, my brain tells me that they don't REALLY like me, they are just being nice to me because that is what Christians do. When people read my blog posts, it isn't because they actually want to, they probably think it is stupid and are just reading it to support me. When I talk about how God has blessed me, and people act excited, they are probably just thinking that that they wish I would go away because I am so annoying. These are the thoughts that run through my head sometimes, and I am finding it hard to let them go. 

I am truly joyful as I see all the wonderful things that God is doing in my life, and I can't wait to see the person that I become through God's instruction; I also have deep fears about my self-worth, and I have trouble being close to people because I don't truly believe they want to be close to me. And that is how this post is going to end, full of joy at the new person that I am and full of fear that I am nothing but an annoyance that people have to deal with. This is who I am right now, and I am not going to move past the fear and forward to the blessings until I acknowledge my fears. I am DETERMINED to move forward into the life God has planned for me. So here we go, another day, another attempt at getting out into the world and becoming a more faithful part of the family of Christ.