As I looked over my plans that day, I realized that I needed to go by the church that morning to drop something off to my mother. Looking back, after everything that happened, I should have seen more significance in the fact that I had to go to the church that day. Hindsight, and all that, you know? When I walked into my mothers office, I looked to my left and there was a stack of books and movies to go to the church library. Can you see where this is headed? Right on the top of the stack is the library's brand new copy of "God's Not Dead". At this point, I gave up, but not because I wanted to let God in. Frankly, it was because I was sick of having it shoved in my face, and still a little afraid after the dream I had. I asked if I could borrow it, and mom told me that I was welcome to take it home. And in my purse the movie went, and home I went. I realize now that everything that had happened up to this moment was God attempting to soften my heart to the message, and to Him. Knowing that, I feel so blessed that He was still trying to save me and my life, even after I had told Him to go away. More than that, I had run as fast as I could away from Him, and made sure to tell everyone with my words and actions that I was just fine without God.
Hours later, out of boredom, and because I thought that if I gave in and watched the movie then maybe I would be left alone, I turned the movie on. I wish I could properly describe to you what happened next. I have started and stopped this part several times, and I still cannot find a way to tell you what came over me, the changes in my heart over the next three hours. I will do the best that I can with my words to describe the joy that comes to a sinning heart when grace enters in. I watched the first half of the movie, and then a friend stopped by for a chat. While I was talking to her, I asked her if she had seen it (she had), and told her that it was a great movie. My heart was softening to the message, and I was feeling something, but I know at this point it was a hollow thing; there was the emotion but no decision to invite God into my heart. After she left, I finished the movie. I can't pinpoint the minute it happened, but I do remember the overwhelming feeling that came over me. At some point, this stopped being about watching a movie, and started being about listening to God. Once I decided to listen to Him, to really hear Him, that was it. All at once, there was a feeling of pure bright light in my soul. It was as if God put the light there to show me the darkness I had been living in, and the difference was intense. At that moment, I was done. That is all I can remember thinking and feeling, that I was done. Done with a hollow life without God, done with doing things my own way, done with pretending sin was just me being free to make my own choices. Done!
Over the next 36 hours, the changes that happened were like a whirlwind in my life. The most important one, the biggest thing to ever happen in my life, was that I asked God to come in to my heart, to save me through the blood of Jesus. Many of you who have known me for a while believed I was already saved, and it's true that I went through the motions more than once. I have lost count of how many times I have been "saved". Many times in my life, I have felt the call to be saved, and got down on my knees in prayer. Why wasn't I saved then? Because it was never about letting God into my heart and turning my life over to Him; it was always about being afraid of going to hell, or wanting to please my family or my church, or wanting the attention that new Christians seem to get from others, or wanting to feel the emotions that I could see in other people who had accepted Him. In admitting this in such a public way, it feels like I am exposing the truth of who I was for the first time in my life. It is painful, yes, and a little embarrassing, but freeing as well. I will not pretend anymore, not for anything. If I don't show the truth of who I was, then how am I to show people the true change that God has brought to my life?
My only wish for this post is that someone who reads it may see themselves in my story and repent, and will save themselves the pain that I felt from my years of separation from God. You may not know you are hurting (I didn't) but on the day you finally see the truth, you will feel all the pain and wasted time at once. I urge you to search for God now, avoid my heartache.
God has brought about many other changes in my life, and I will talking about some of those tomorrow. Thank you for giving me a chance to witness for God! Talk to you tomorrow!
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