Of A Good Courage

Bipolar disorder is the world's least fun roller coaster. When I feel good, I feel REALLY good. But when I am down just getting out of bed is hard, much less trying to act like a normal person all day. The worst part: the days cycle back and forth, sometimes I am up for a two weeks, and then down for a week, then I will be up again. Sometimes people think that bipolar disorder isn't real and that I can just snap out of it, and no matter how much I explain that this is a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I can't just decide to calm down or have a positive attitude, they just can't seem to understand. Wow, this one is starting out depressing, isn't it? I promise, it isn't going to stay that way. How do I know that? Because I have the joy of Christ in my heart and life, and I can't be kept down for long. Just give me a few minutes to work through this one. 

I am not just a person with bipolar disorder; I am also a Christian, and that offers me hope. Specifically, in Joshua 1:9, the bible says: Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. When I became a Christian, I received the gift of peace and joy that comes from living my life based on God's word, Christ's love, and the Holy Spirit's guidance. I do not believe that this struggle is pointless, there has to be a reason I am going through this. 

This past Sunday's sermon at my church even spoke to this issue. Romans 8:28 states "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose". Basic translation: God can use the bad things that happen to us to forward His plan for our life. I don't know how this is supposed to bring glory to God, or help me in my walk with Him, but I don't have to know. God knows, and I have faith in Him. That is enough for me. So it's time to find a new game plan for dealing with my bipolar disorder, a plan based on faith and God's word, instead of addictions and vice. The bible offers plenty of verses about anxiety, but does it offer a plan of attack for this illness? Enter Ephesians 6:10-18, and the armor of God. 

No, these verses do not specifically talk about mental illness, but they are a battle plan against anything this world or satan may throw at me. The armor of God...it sounds so fierce. I need a little fierce right now, a way to fight the fear and sadness trying to weigh me down. So let's look at the basics:

How can these things help me? 

• Belt of Truth: Honestly, not sure about this one yet, and I would rather admit that than to make something up to try to sound good. I am not here because I have all the answers, but because I follow the One who does. 
• Breastplate of Righteousness: The bible states I cannot be righteous on my own; to only way to be righteous is through the blood of Christ. Just because it is impossible for me to achieve on my own doesn't mean I am off the hook, though. Just because perfection is impossible on my own doesn't mean I don't have to try to obey. God wants me to do my best to follow His commandments, and to do that I have to be totally focused on Him. If I am totally focused on God, it will be a little harder for my sadness and fear to take hold.
• Shoes of the Gospel of Peace: I had a little trouble with this one. I had to research to try to figure out exactly what it means, and there were many different answers. From what I can tell, this means that we are to be prepared to share the gospel with others, and that I should walk in the spirit. If anyone can shed some light on this one, please feel free to let me know. 
• The Shield of Faith: This one sounds pretty basic and simple, but in truth the impact of true faith on a life is immeasurable. If I continue to have faith that God is in control, that alone should have a great impact on my down days. I will be able to believe that I can get through it with God's help, and sometimes the knowledge that I will get through it is the biggest help.
• The Helmet of Salvation: Check. Praise God and yippee!
• The Sword of the Spirit (the bible): If I spend as much of my time as possible in the word of God, it should be pretty hard to forget where my true hope lies. 
• Praying: Ties the whole thing together. I think of it like school: the textbook is very important, but it is also crucial to listen to the teacher. It is important that I spend time in the word of God, but I should also be in constant contact with the author. 

I think God has used this post to help me more than to witness to anyone else. When I started typing this up, I was so unhappy and had forgotten where I was supposed to be looking. Now I am looking towards God, and I am full of hope again. Isn't God wonderful?!? Well, that was super long so I think I will stop here. Until the next post...God bless you!

Who am I, Lord?

When a child is born, they don't know how to walk, talk, feed themselves, or do other things that adults can do without a thought. Their personality also has to be learned, to develop. According to Parenting.com, babies are born with a few personality traits, but most will be learned. When asked the question "How soon will I know that my baby is like?" their response was "Some traits are obvious almost from birth; others will become apparent by 3 or 4 months. And some may evolve in intensity.". As a new Christian, I am reading this information with more than a little interest, since in Corinthians Paul describes new Christians as babes in Christ. 

Since August 4th, I have been telling myself and everyone else that would listen that the person I was before is dead and gone. I was so happy to toss aside the miserable person that I was and start a new life through Christ. What I didn't think about or understand was that someone new was going to take the place of the person I was. Yes, I gave up music, movies, and books that were bad for me, but now my shelves are filling up with new things I love. I gave up cussing and telling dirty jokes, but now my words can raise people up and comfort them, and my jokes can make people (including myself) laugh without leading me down a dark path. The couch potato who would eat constantly for comfort is now the girl walking at Creekmore every day and watching what she eats, so that she can enjoy a full life like God wants her to. The woman who didn't open her bible for years has been replaced by a woman that hates to stop her bible study (because I am always at a good part). The list goes on and on...Instead of seeing just the things I stopped being, I am starting to notice the things that I am becoming. 

The other day I was talking to my mother, telling her again why I really couldn't go to Sunday School. Going to church for the sermon was one thing, at least I didn't have to sit with anyone else, or be noticed; going to Sunday School with a smaller group of people would be torture for me. I reminded her that the last time I tried, I was sick to my stomach after the end of class and I left the church practically in tears. She reminded me that I wasn't a Christian when I tried before, that my focus was on the wrong things. Once I thought about that for a while, it sunk in that I shouldn't make any assumptions about who I am anymore, or what I can handle. I am a new creation in Christ, and I am going to have to stop letting the fears and hangups of the woman who died affect the woman who now lives. 

Even as I type these words, the dark whispers in my head start. Sometimes, when I am at church and am talking to a group of other members who are kind to me, my brain tells me that they don't REALLY like me, they are just being nice to me because that is what Christians do. When people read my blog posts, it isn't because they actually want to, they probably think it is stupid and are just reading it to support me. When I talk about how God has blessed me, and people act excited, they are probably just thinking that that they wish I would go away because I am so annoying. These are the thoughts that run through my head sometimes, and I am finding it hard to let them go. 

I am truly joyful as I see all the wonderful things that God is doing in my life, and I can't wait to see the person that I become through God's instruction; I also have deep fears about my self-worth, and I have trouble being close to people because I don't truly believe they want to be close to me. And that is how this post is going to end, full of joy at the new person that I am and full of fear that I am nothing but an annoyance that people have to deal with. This is who I am right now, and I am not going to move past the fear and forward to the blessings until I acknowledge my fears. I am DETERMINED to move forward into the life God has planned for me. So here we go, another day, another attempt at getting out into the world and becoming a more faithful part of the family of Christ. 

A Message From A (Former) Prodigal Daughter

Since I turned my life over to God on August 4th, I have had people tell me of loved ones that have turned from God, and that my story has given them hope that their loved ones can still turn their life back to God. I want to tell you there is always hope! I have felt led today to offer some encouragement to those of you who are praying for the lost in your life, whether never having been saved or having wandered from the flock. 

If you have been reading my blog, then you know everything from August 2nd going forward, but my journey back to God took much longer than two days. I was raised in church, and was "saved" at a very young age. I wanted to be a good person and make my family proud. As I grew older, I did all the things a good Christian is supposed to do: I memorized verses, went to church, went to summer camp, sang specials in the church, and acted morally in my life. I even went to a baptist college after I graduated high school. I had all the appearances of a good daughter and a faithful Christian, but my heart was not in it. If a child is willful and selfish, and only acts like a Christian for appearances, we can learn to harden our hearts to the message over the years simply because we have heard it so many times without experiencing change.

Over the next few years I stopped going to church and I began to live my life as if there was no God. And the years passed...and my family prayed. By this time, I had pretty much adopted the life of an atheist. Sure, I went to church on Christmas (at one point I even started regularly attending again) because I knew this was the "acceptable" thing. Outside of church, though, I scoffed and made fun of those crazy Christians who actually believed that there was someone in the sky who was in control and let their belief affect their lives. I had accepted, deep down, that if there was a God (and I wasn't sure there was) that I was going to hell, and had lost all hope that I could change any of it. My life fell deeper and deeper into sin, but I thought that I was okay, that I was happy, that I had it all under control. For years I lived what I thought was a happy and complete life without God. And then August 2-4 happened. And boom, my life was changed radically. But it wasn't magic, or a trick, it was the result of years of planted seeds and prayer!

What a wonderful feeling it must be for someone to walk in the church seeking God, and to get to lead them to Christ. Just a few short hours (or less), and you can see results from your effort. It is much harder to pray for years without seeing any return for your investment. But if my family had given up, I might still be lost today. I would never have received the church bulletin, or seen God's Not Dead, or borrowed it to watch at home. For years I avoided God, my family, the church, and anyone who tried to speak of God to me. For years my family prayed, and I lived the life of a non-Christian. I think that is the point: God did not answer their prayers right away, not because He couldn't, but because we were given the gift of free will and my heart was hard. 

Your prayers are not wasted because they are not answered right away! The Lord is faithful to answer our prayers if we have faith. So take heart, and have faith! Your loved ones can come back to God and live a full life in Him. You can't change them, or force them, but don't give up on them either. Be prepared to be made fun off, to be ignored, or even to be hated. My family was, and I am so grateful that they were willing to put up with that to keep trying to give me the word of God. I can't promise it will be easy (I can't imagine what those years must have felt like to them) but if they had given up because it wasn't easy or quick then I would still be suffering. 

I wish that my story gives you hope that, even if it takes years and years, even if you don't live long enough to see it happen, God can change the heart of someone who is running from Him. Have faith, and keep praying! I want to offer some verses that might be comforting to you:

Luke 8:15 But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience.

Hebrews 10:36 For ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

John 14:13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

If you are reading this and you are lost or the child running from God, I have a warning for you: Your life might seem good, and you might think you are happy, but if you don't repent and follow Christ, you will never know true happiness in life, and in death you will know true hell! You have lived in the dark so long that you have forgotten what light looks like; Repent and ask Christ to be Lord of your life! Search your heart so that you might know the truth, because God is loving, but He is also just, and a judgement is coming. Please, listen to someone who has been where you are, and understand that your pride and willfulness will only lead to destruction. If you are struggling right now, you might be open to this message. But if you think your life is good, and you don't feel the darkness all around you, then you might not be willing to turn your life around, because things are going so well. I would like to share with you a quote from the movie "God's Not Dead". 

Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late.

I hope that this has been a blessing to you, and I will post again in a couple days! Till then...God bless you!

Commit Thy Works

I love the phrase "I will try". It has a nice ring, doesn't it? In that one small phrase, there is the sound of effort, a willingness to give the task at hand your attention and strength. But what makes that phrase so special to me is that it also gives me an out. The definition of the word try is: an effort to accomplish something, an attempt. By adding the word "try", I am giving my words the sound of a "yes", while giving myself a way to end up saying "no" later. This phrase says I will give an effort to do something without actually promising to get it done. I get to sound committed without actually being committed. Isn't that great? Can you hear my sarcasm yet? 

I had a plan for today's post. I have started "The Resolution for Women" and it includes some resolutions to sign your name to and hang on your wall. The plan was write the resolutions down, sign them, hang them, and take the picture; then I could spend the next couple of months doing the bible study so that I can explore each section of my resolution. I had all my supplies ready, and then I got down to business and started researching for my study session and blog. I was looking up definitions for resolution, and other similar words. You ready?

Resolution: a firm decision to do or not to do something

Vow: solemnly promise to do a specific thing; dedicate to someone or something, especially a deity

Covenant: an agreement; agree, by legal contract

Promise: assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange   something; under take or declare that something will happen

Did you notice something in all those definitions? I couldn't find the word "try" one time. There is no apathy, flexibility, insincerity, indecision, or (most importantly) loophole in those definitions. Instead, there is resolve, tenacity, purposefulness, and willpower. After I started reading these definitions, it occurred to me that maybe signing these resolutions before I finished the bible study and fully understood what I was committing myself to was a mistake. I decided to research further, and read more into the resolutions I was signing. I am listing a couple of the main ones below:

• I will live as a woman answerable to God and faithfully committed to His word.
• I will seek to devote the best of myself, my time, and my talents to the primary roles the Lord has entrusted to me in this phase of my life. 
• I will forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.

And it was then I noticed: there is no out, no way to do this halfway. There are more than a dozen resolutions, and the word "try" is not in there. ANYWHERE. Between the definitions I was reading, and the resolutions, I was starting to understand that what I am about to undertake should not be done lightly. Then I went to the original source; I started reading bible verses about resolutions and vows. 

Psalms 89:34 My covenant will I not break, nor alter the thing that is gone out of my lips.

Matthew 5:33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths.

Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 When thou vowest a vow until God, defer not to pay it; for He hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.

So, after I was hit over the head several times, in several different ways, I have decided to hold off signing any resolution or making any vows/promises to God until I have fully completed this bible study. One of my biggest things I struggle with is pride. I have been trying to change for years, to turn my life around. Nothing I did worked, because I was doing it for the wrong reasons: for pride, vanity, selfishness. But in one short month, God has set me on the right path, and nothing about the woman I am now resembles the woman I was before. I still find myself trying to take some credit for this change, and so I make myself verbally give the praise to God. I think I was doing the same thing with this, I was laying the credit at my ability to research things fully, and the fact that I have made other vows in the last month, and I am keeping them. I forgot for a moment that the only reason I have been able to do what I have in the last month is because God has given me the direction and strength. I think I should continue to let God lead me where He wants me to go, and let Him show me the correct way to agree to and follow these resolutions. 

I think the other lesson God is trying to teach me is that I should do absolutely everything for the glory of Him. Everything I do, big or small, matters because it is a reflection of my attitude and of the promise of a full life in God. I should do nothing halfway. If I fully commit myself to the task at hand, I should never have to say "I will try". The task may be hard, and I may not be able to do it as well as someone else could have, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If I apply a biblical attitude to it, and rely on God's strength instead of my own, I should be able to do anything God wants of me!

Lazarus, Come Forth

Hello again! Sorry I haven't written anything in a few days. Believe me, it wasn't because there was nothing going on in my life; I haven't written because God is doing so much in my life and heart that I almost can't keep up. I am breathless with the changes that God has brought about in my life, and so excited to be able to share them with you.

The story of Lazarus is a miraculous one: dead for four days and Jesus raised him from the dead. This is not some fable or fairy tale, or even a feel good story, this is truth and reality. This is real. Can you imagine the happiness of his family as they watched him walk out of the tomb? Jesus overcame the grave over and over again, and I am happy to say Jesus has not stopped raising people from the dead, and I am the proof. Sure, I was walking around on two legs, breathing and eating and talking like a living person, but I was like a zombie: my body was going through the motions, but there was no true thought or purpose to it. Everything I did was whatever it took to feel good in that moment, with no worry for the consequences to my life or soul. But on August 4th, Jesus came to my tomb and told me to come forth, and I walked out alive and new. If you are saved, you know what I mean. If you aren't saved by the grace of Jesus, I could wish nothing more than that for you. To breathe, love, and live after being dead for so long is a feeling I will not soon forget (hopefully I never will). 

I am getting baptized! September 20th at South Side Baptist Church, I will openly commit my life to Christ. I am looking into baptism and the importance of it. I want to understand what I am doing, why I am doing it, and what it means for me. I know that it means I will truly be a member of that church, and that I am following Christ's example (internal pause: the fact that I can say I am following His example just put another big grin on my face), but what else does it mean? 

Mark 1:4 John did baptize in the wilderness, and preach the baptism of repentance for the remission of sins.

Acts 18:25 This man was instructed in the way of the Lord; and being fervent in the spirit, he spake and taught diligently the things of the Lord, knowing only the baptism of John.

Romans 6:4 Therefore we are buried with him by Baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Acts 22:16 And now why tarriest thou? arise, and be baptized, and wash away thy sins, calling on the name of the Lord.

Galatians 3:27 For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

So what does this all mean to me? Baptism is a way to join the church, and to follow Christ's example, but it is meant to be other things, as well. According to Mark, this is an act of repentance for my previous sins. The verse in Romans makes sense to me as well: we are emotional creatures, and God uses our emotions to try and reach us, and to help us understand His wishes. He uses this as an emotional reminder of the fact that Christ rose from the grave, to give us awe of Him that death has no power over Him, and to give us the chance to feel the same awakening that the dead feel after being raised. In the few seconds that I am dunked, and pulled back up, I get to experience in act what I felt in my heart the moment that God took over my life and reclaimed what was His. 

And Acts...well Acts is a gold mine for verses about baptism. Acts 18:25 tells me that true baptism has power to it. It is not just an act, but a powerful weapon of the spirit of God. Approached the correct way, baptism after salvation can help a person to be faithful and diligent in the ways of the Lord. Acts 2:38 tells me that baptism coupled with salvation is a way to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 22:16 tells me that, when I called on the name of the Lord my sin was washed away, and baptism is a part of that process. 

My favorite verse, though, is Galatians 3:27. The bible is clear that salvation through Christ is all that is required to go to heaven, and a few years ago, that is all I would have cared about: going to heaven, not hell. I would have wanted the reward of heaven without understanding that being a Christian is not just about going to heaven, but it is also about living for God on earth. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want heaven, but I also want God in my day to day life, and the verse in Galatians tells me that by being baptized in Christ, I will have put on Christ. To me, that doesn't mean that by being dunked in a tub of water, I will have put on Christ; what it means is that, by letting my heart, soul, and life be baptized in the love of Christ and the way of God, I can become more Christ-like. According to the bible, being baptized is a meaningful part of that process. 

And so, I am terribly excited about September 20. I am kind of glad that I am going to wait until then, because that gives me time to pray and reflect on what I am doing. I am very much the type of person to rush in to something without thinking first, but I want to be fully aware of what I am doing, and the wonderful consequences of that decision. I want to be sober in spirit about it, and give the act of my baptism the respect it deserves. 

Wow, that was longer than I thought it would be. When God starts giving me words, I just start typing and forget about the length. Better a long post that gives out the full message that God wants me to spread, then a short one that leaves something out! Just a few more very very very quick updates:

I saw War Room yesterday, and I would highly recommend it to anyone looking to feel some fire in their heart about prayer. I believe that God puts these movies and books in front of us for the same reason that He puts pastors and sermons in front of us: to keep us on fire for Him. 

Also, in an effort to rejoin the living after so many years of hiding out behind my sorrow, bitterness, bipolar, and depression, I am starting to exercise and take better care of myself. The bible says to do all things for the glory of God, and that should include every part of my life. I know that my heart is the most important thing, but it is not the only part of my life that should reflect God. Everything I do should be an example of living my life the way God meant for it to be lived, and that is to the fullest. 

Oh yeah, I also forgot that I promised to talk about my new bible study based on Courageous, but I promise, that is coming tomorrow. I would say scouts honor, but I was never a boy scout, so...

God bless and talk to you tomorrow!

For Now I Know That Thou Fearest God

Genesis 22:1-19 tells the story of the testing of Abraham. God called on him to sacrifice his only son as an offering. Anyone that has read this story knows how it ends: God sends an angel to stop Abraham. It is important to note, though, that God doesn't stop him at the beginning of the test. 

He didn't stop him after Abraham agreed to sacrifice his beloved son, or when he traveled three days to get to the place of sacrifice, or when Isaac questioned where the lamb was for the offering (how hard that must have been for Abraham to answer that question); He didn't stop him as he tied up and laid on an altar his only son. God only stopped him when he raised the knife to follow through with the deed. Sometimes when we are tested, it is not a quick thing. God is not looking to see if you will just say the words and agree, but He wants to know if you will carry out the actions required of you, if you will be ready to do as He requires, even if it will cause you pain. That is what I have been going through the past few days. 

God laid it on my heart to confess a past sin publicly. Even though He didn't have to, He also told me the reasons that this was required of me. I wanted to obey God, but this was going to hurt me; I had to decide how much I trusted God. I decided to move forward and do what He required. But first, I had to travel my three days as Abraham did. I had to prepare, and take steps to make the sacrifice. I sought counsel from other Christian women in my life. The general consensus was the same: I was forgiven and I didn't have to do this, but when I told them that God was calling me to, they told me that if God wanted this from me, that I should do it. I prayed for courage and strength. A lot. A whole lot. 

At every turn, God confirmed that this is what He wanted from me: to confess my sin to the whole world. Then I started receiving counsel from others who told me that I shouldn't do this, that this wasn't the right thing to do. And so I asked God, and He repeated that this was required of me. And so the third day of my journey came, and I started the confession. I told many family members and friends privately so that they would not be shocked when I posted it for all the world to see. They deserved to hear it from me. I made every preparation, and was fully committed to obeying God. And then, just as He did with Abraham, God stopped me. 

I received a phone call from my uncle, and he told me that God laid it on his heart to give me a message: Let it go, I am forgiven, there is no need for this. At this point, I was almost a little too stubborn; I was so used to people telling me to think before I did this, that it would negatively affect my testimony, that this would negatively affect me. Don't get me wrong, the people telling me these things weren't wrong; they were telling me what God was telling them to. All of the things said to me were for God's purpose, and for my test. But I was hearing God's voice loud and clear telling me to do this, and so I had quickly gotten very stubborn about it; I was going to go through with this no matter what. It never occurred to me that God would be the one telling me to stop. And so I again insisted that this was something that I was supposed to do, and this is where everything changed. God had given my uncle a message to give me, and my uncle was going to get me to hear it whether I wanted to or not. 

I could hear the emotion and frustration in his voice as he tried to get through to me that God was telling me I didn't have to do this; when I could tell he was getting desperate to make me understand, it slowed me down because I didn't want to upset him. I looked for something to say that would comfort him, give him some hope that I was hearing him without my agreeing to not do something that God had told me to. And I found myself, out of nowhere, talking about a long forgotten bible story from my youth, something I had not thought about or talked about for years. I told him that maybe this was like Abraham being tested; maybe this wasn't about my actually confessing, but about my being willing to trust God and confess. As I said the words, it started to sink in that God put those words in my heart and mouth; they certainly didn't come from me. I was relieved, but hesitant. I didn't want to say that this came from God if it was only my subconscious trying to get out of doing something that I didn't want to do. And so I did what I always do when I need to work something out in my head: I called my momma. 

As I was telling her what had happened, she said that the same thing had occurred to her; that was when I first truly thought that maybe God was telling me to stop. And so I prayed, and I prayed hard. I told God that if I didn't have to do this, thank you, but that if this is what He required, that I would do it willingly with no worry for the consequences. And then I was silent, and I just listened. Waiting in the silence for God to speak was a powerful thing, but then a much more powerful thing happened. God answered me, and relieved me of this duty. As I type this, I am still close to tears with emotion. 

As I am closing out this blog post, I want to stress two very important things. Firstly, I don't want to leave the false impression that, if God asks us to do something hard or that we don't want to do, we will be stopped before actually having to make the sacrifice. I don't want anyone to take from this that faith is all that is required of us; sometimes action is required as well. Sometimes the angel will stay our hand before the knife slices down, but sometimes we are required to make the cut. Secondly, I want to make sure that it is understood that nothing about this should raise me up in anyone's eyes. This faith, this action, this willingness to obey God, is all because of God. The sinful person that I was before being saved would never have been willing to do this. The person I was would have said that it wouldn't make me happy, so what was the point? The only reason that I was able to pass this test is because my heart is so full of God, that there was no doubt that I would obey, or that I would have the strength to do so. 

I hope that this testimony will lift you up, and maybe encourage you if you are currently being tested. God will never have us to go through something we cannot handle with His help, and everything He does allow to happen is so that we can become closer to the person that He means for us to be, and live a life closer to the one that He wants for us. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 says But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil. 

I have started a new bible study today. It is The Resolution for Women. This is a based on the movie Courageous. I knew there was a men's bible study based on the movie, but I found a version for women at Lifeway yesterday, and it has a resolution for us to consider as well. I am very excited about this. What I read today was very good, and I am excited to read more tomorrow. I will be talking more about this in tomorrow's blog. 

God bless, and talk to you tomorrow!

Old Things Are Passed Away

Once I decided to turn my life over to God through Jesus, things started changing for me very quickly. As long as I lived my life in darkness, it was easy to believe that my life and the things in it were completely acceptable. But once God's light shone upon my actions, activities, and possessions, it became immediately clear that things had to change. This was not a slow call from God to look through every item, evaluate the level of damage it was doing in my life, and then get rid of it if I felt I should or could; this was a shout in my ears to get it out, right then and there. I had collected a lot of books, movies, and stuff in general that was going to have to go. A LOT. 

The night of August 4th, and the morning of the 5th, I did some serious purging. It was hard, painful, and wonderful all at the same time. A few things that I had to get rid of technically had nothing wrong with them, but movies are an addiction for me, and anything that came between me and God had to go. These things I sold back, but many other things I owned were anti-Christian at the very least, some worshipped other gods, others were boldly demonic. I could not sell these things back, and put them back into the world, where someone might buy them. How would I answer for that later, if I did that and it kept someone else from finding God? My only regret is that some people were hurt by these actions. They couldn't understand how I could throw away things they had given me for my birthday, or Christmas...did I value their friendship that lightly? Not at all, but God's commands come first. He didn't say to take my time in deciding the best way to get these things out, He said to get them out immediately, and I did what I felt Him leading me to do. 

I thought that I had done wonderfully, and had gotten out everything that had come between me and God. God disagreed...the night of the 5th He once again told me to get rid of the things that were hurting me. Once again, the trashcan came out, and many things were thrown away. Rinse and repeat, over and over and over. I wish I could tell you that I was done, but I am still finding things in my house that are not good for me and my walk with God. A couple days ago I threw out more movies and some pictures that depicted drinking on them. 

Again, let me stress that these things aren't necessarily bad for everyone; I am not judging or pretending to be better than anyone else because I got rid of these things. I had to get rid of things that most Christians can have in their home, not because I am better, but because I am much worse off. I can not allow anything in my life that might influence me back to my old way of living. The person I was is dead, and a new person has been born; the woman I am now has little interest in the life and things of the woman I was. It all had to go: movies I watched for hours on end, the alcohol and anything that represented it, the smoking, all my vampire stuff, my horror movies, my romance novels that idealized sex outside of marriage, anything that had to do with India because a lot of that involved worship of other gods. It goes on and on. I filled my trashcan up over and over and over. I didn't know how much there was until I had to have it hauled away. These pictures are my bookshelf and DVD shelves after the purge. These were so full when I started that I had no more room for any more movies or books, so you can see how many I had to get rid of. My walls are also half empty after taking down all the wall art that had to go. 

I lost clothes, movies, books, tons of music, craft projects with non-Christian themes, wall art, even the crafts business I had started...it goes on and on. But to be clear, what I really lost was a life full of sin, sadness, loneliness, bitterness, and despair. These things never made me happy, even if it felt like they did; they actually did the opposite and caused untold damage. They never helped the problem, they only masked the symptoms of my unhappiness. But now, everything has changed; even on my hardest day since God saved me I am happier than I was on my best day as an unrepentant sinner. There is no comparison, and no way for you to understand unless you have experienced this for yourself. If you haven't, I urge you to talk to a Christian you know, or to the pastor of a local church; if you have no one in your life to tell you about Jesus, I would love to share the gospel with you! Feel free to email me at purplesapphire81@yahoo.com. 



There were many other changes in my life since my salvation, but this is the one that seems to have made the biggest impact on my life. I appreciate your taking the time to let me share what God has done for me. Talk to you tomorrow!

God's Way And My Wilderness, Part Three

I wish I could say that when I woke up on August 4th, I had figured out something was happening to my life, but I am not that smart; I wish I could say that I was ready to be shown the path that I was supposed to be on, but my eyes were blinded by my own pride. Even as I type these words, I find myself laughing out loud at my ignorance and pride, and right behind the laughter are a few tears at the wasted years of sin and vice. At least I know now that I will not have to look back at this time in my life with regret, for I am walking with the Lord. As to how that came about, let's start where I left off...

As I looked over my plans that day, I realized that I needed to go by the church that morning to drop something off to my mother. Looking back, after everything that happened, I should have seen more significance in the fact that I had to go to the church that day. Hindsight, and all that, you know? When I walked into my mothers office, I looked to my left and there was a stack of books and movies to go to the church library. Can you see where this is headed? Right on the top of the stack is the library's brand new copy of "God's Not Dead". At this point, I gave up, but not because I wanted to let God in. Frankly, it was because I was sick of having it shoved in my face, and still a little afraid after the dream I had. I asked if I could borrow it, and mom told me that I was welcome to take it home. And in my purse the movie went, and home I went. I realize now that everything that had happened up to this moment was God attempting to soften my heart to the message, and to Him. Knowing that, I feel so blessed that He was still trying to save me and my life, even after I had told Him to go away. More than that, I had run as fast as I could away from Him, and made sure to tell everyone with my words and actions that I was just fine without God.

Hours later, out of boredom, and because I thought that if I gave in and watched the movie then maybe I would be left alone, I turned the movie on. I wish I could properly describe to you what happened next. I have started and stopped this part several times, and I still cannot find a way to tell you what came over me, the changes in my heart over the next three hours. I will do the best that I can with my words to describe the joy that comes to a sinning heart when grace enters in. I watched the first half of the movie, and then a friend stopped by for a chat. While I was talking to her, I asked her if she had seen it (she had), and told her that it was a great movie. My heart was softening to the message, and I was feeling something, but I know at this point it was a hollow thing; there was the emotion but no decision to invite God into my heart. After she left, I finished the movie. I can't pinpoint the minute it happened, but I do remember the overwhelming feeling that came over me. At some point, this stopped being about watching a movie, and started being about listening to God. Once I decided to listen to Him, to really hear Him, that was it. All at once, there was a feeling of pure bright light in my soul. It was as if God put the light there to show me the darkness I had been living in, and the difference was intense. At that moment, I was done. That is all I can remember thinking and feeling, that I was done. Done with a hollow life without God, done with doing things my own way, done with pretending sin was just me being free to make my own choices. Done! 

Over the next 36 hours, the changes that happened were like a whirlwind in my life. The most important one, the biggest thing to ever happen in my life, was that I asked God to come in to my heart, to save me through the blood of Jesus. Many of you who have known me for a while believed I was already saved, and it's true that I went through the motions more than once. I have lost count of how many times I have been "saved". Many times in my life, I have felt the call to be saved, and got down on my knees in prayer. Why wasn't I saved then? Because it was never about letting God into my heart and turning my life over to Him; it was always about being afraid of going to hell, or wanting to please my family or my church, or wanting the attention that new Christians seem to get from others, or wanting to feel the emotions that I could see in other people who had accepted Him. In admitting this in such a public way, it feels like I am exposing the truth of who I was for the first time in my life. It is painful, yes, and a little embarrassing, but freeing as well. I will not pretend anymore, not for anything. If I don't show the truth of who I was, then how am I to show people the true change that God has brought to my life? 

My only wish for this post is that someone who reads it may see themselves in my story and repent, and will save themselves the pain that I felt from my years of separation from God. You may not know you are hurting (I didn't) but on the day you finally see the truth, you will feel all the pain and wasted time at once. I urge you to search for God now, avoid my heartache. 

God has brought about many other changes in my life, and I will talking about some of those tomorrow. Thank you for giving me a chance to witness for God! Talk to you tomorrow!

God's Way And My Wilderness, Part Two

The day of August 2nd started out like every day before it. I had years of habit and routine that kept my lazy days, my bipolar days, my working days all the same. I knew this system was perfect and unbreakable, built to withstand whatever life threw at it...I just knew it. Looking back now, I realize that I knew nothing, that I truly had no grasp on the havoc that God's truth could cause in a life filled with deliberate sinning. But I was going to find out. From where we left off...

As soon as I left my sister's house, it was out of sight, out of mind. Driving home, everything felt good, normal. As I think back to this day, I keep wondering why it was so normal. Where were the strong winds, the blinding rain, the guy on the corner holding a sign that says "God is coming"? In every movie I have ever seen, when something life changing is about to happen there is a herald for it, some notice that your life is about to go nuts. I had no such warning...or maybe that is not true. Maybe every time my mother told me she was praying for me, every time someone invited me to church, every time my heart felt a tug, that was a reminder that there was still a God even if I chose to ignore that fact. Maybe I received a million warnings, I don't know.

When I pulled up in my driveway, I grabbed my mail. Inside was the church newsletter that I got every so often. My mother is the secretary of the church I used to go to. When I stopped attending the church, I told my Mom that she could stop sending me the newsletter. She told me that they needed to send out so many newsletters to get the bulk rate, so would I mind if she kept sending it to me? To this day, I don't know if that is true, or if she just wanted to keep a reminder in my life of the way I was supposed to be living. I told her sure, keep sending them. And every time I got one, I made myself look at the cartoon my mother chose for the back, sometimes skimming it so that I felt like a good daughter, sometimes just tossing the whole thing without even opening it. But on August 2nd I felt like I should open it. As I started skimming I read about the pastor's sermon series, one of the sermons being "How to be Saved and Know It". When I read that, I literally said out loud "Okay, I get it. I'll think about going." I wasn't actually talking to God when I looked at my ceiling and said this, I was being sarcastic. As I went to bed that night, I still thought I was master of my own life. Little did I know...

Some people say dreams are from God, others say they are your soul and unconscious trying to tell you something, others say they are just brain waves. I don't know who is right, but that night my dreams did a number on me. I had a horrible dream of the rapture, when the Christians will be taken up to be with God but non-believers will be left behind. I was left behind, and I don't think I have ever had a dream scare me so badly; I woke up screaming. I tried to quickly put it out of my mind, but it wouldn't go. At this point, I started paying a little more attention to what was happening. I wasn't agreeing to anything, to change my life or heart, but I was starting to accept that I might want to be a little more open to the idea. As I went back to sleep that night, I couldn't quite shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

Phase two of God's plan, complete. To be continued tomorrow...