You Are Free Indeed!

I have tons of physical addictions. I am an alcoholic. I used to smoke at least 1 pack, sometimes 2 packs, of cigarettes a day. I could eat two whole pizzas by myself for one meal. I enjoyed finding physical affection with people that I didn't know very well, and had no intention of a permanent relationship with. Yep, I have my physical addictions, and they had a hold over me for many years. One of the best things about my life since I became a Christian was the freedom I have found from those addictions. Some moments are harder to get through than others, and some addictions have a stronger siren call than others. When I have had a long day, I want a drink. When I am stressed, I want a smoke. When I have a sad day, I want comfort food and lots of it. When I am lonely, I want companionship. As I have dealt with these over the past few months, I have found that the Lord gives me strength aplenty for all the physical temptations I face. It is a wonderful feeling to feel the Lord's strength as I face down things that have haunted and tormented me for years. Every now and again, though, one of these things rears it's ugly head and tries to knock me down. Most of the time, I am so consumed by my new relationship with Christ that it doesn't even slow me down, but sometimes, oh sometimes...

I talked to my fellow church members about some of these issues, and they are really helping my along. Sometimes it is through a kind word, other times through prayer, and sometimes through practical advice about their struggles. Mostly, though, it is when I talk to God that I find the greatest comfort. Up until this past week, I have found the attacks that satan has launched at me were mostly physical. I guess he got a little smarter and figured out that God had that one handled (not that I don't struggle, but I was learning through prayer and bible study how to deal better) because he went after a different part of me, and it didn't go so well. 

I have a little temper problem. It's a minor thing really. Sort of. Kinda. Well, okay, maybe it isn't a temper problem, it's more of an anger issue. But I don't get that angry all the time, just some of the time. Well, maybe anger isn't the right word, maybe rage is the word I am looking for. Yep, that sounds right. But a little rage every now and again doesn't hurt that much, does it? After all I am a pretty nice person most of the time, right? Are you still following my logic? Because I got lost a couple of blocks ago! I guess my new go to sin is going to be my anger. You wouldn't know it to look at me, or even to talk to me, but I can really fly off the handle over the smallest thing. Even if I am really really mad at someone, I can hide it pretty well. I let it fester and consume my heart, until my only thoughts toward that person is all the ways I could get revenge if I wanted to. It never really bothered me before. In fact, my hatred of several people made for good company. Except now the Lord is in my heart and He is the best company. So yesterday and today, when the rage took over, it was a battle inside of me and it wasn't pretty!

I'm not going to go in to who made me mad, and how many ways I dreamed of giving them an early shove to the afterlife, but it was bad. And there I was, on Christmas Eve, stuck with thoughts of anger and rage and wrath. I was a very ugly person for a while. Then the most amazing thing happened: I went to church. I was just dropping some things off, and it hit me that I was wasting the day away with my anger. I didn't want the hate inside of me anymore. The Lord promised me that He would get me through whatever temptations I faced, as long as I call on His name. So that is what I did: I went into the sanctuary, got on me knees, and prayed with a fervor that I couldn't have forced or made happen. It came from a desperate part of me, one that knew I couldn't handle this alone. Once I started praying that was it, I was in full confession mode. I cried, and begged, and repented, and asked for help. At one point I begged God to take the rage from me, and it was like a weight lifting off of me. I was so happy! 

I guess the lesson here is that freedom from our old selves has been promised to us, but only as long as we completely give ourselves to God. This is something that I will have to work on, I am sure, and I will probably fail and fall a few times before I completely get it. I just love the feeling of relief once I learn to give a problem to God, once I learn to trust Him instead of my own way of dealing with it. God is so good, He is slowly changing every part of me and helping me to live a more Christ-like life. 

I know this wasn't a traditional Christmas kind of message, but tonight God took a small battle in my life and showed me what it feels like to be free! Have a Merry Christmas! TTFN!

Let Them Ever Shout For Joy

Hello again everyone! I have had an extremely busy week, but a very happy and joyful one, and I just wanted to share a quick note about what is going on in my life. First of all, let me just say that I received the best compliment the other day, and I wanted to share it. One of my coworkers told me that she noticed that I was different. I thought she was talking about my waist size (I'm losing a lot of inches) and I said thanks. Then she told me that yes, she noticed the weight, but she was talking about the light that shined out of me. Oh yes, there is a light, and I love that people are seeing it shine. God is good, and He is bringing about a lot of positive changes in my life. I am glad that people are seeing more than the changes, they are seeing the reason behind them! 

Second, we had a singspiration at my church this past Sunday night, and it was an amazing thing to be a part of. While it is always wonderful to gather with my fellow believers and worship the Lord, this particular night held special meaning for me. I have always loved to sing. I was in choir from a very young age, and loved to sing specials when the church gathered. I know I have said this before, but I cannot stress enough how different everything is now that I am saved. When I sang for the church years ago, it was so that people would tell me how beautifully I sang. It was not for praise and worship. After all, why would I praise a God I didn't understand or truly follow? Sure, I understood the concept, and even believed I was doing the right thing, but I was so selfish and self-centered that I had no concept of true worship. Now that I do, and I am able to fully appreciate with all of my heart the words I am singing, it is a completely fresh and new experience for me and I am overwhelmed with it each time like it is the first time. 

The other thing I am truly able to enjoy this year is Christmas. It is no longer about the red/green color combo, the days off work because of the weather, and the shopping. It is about the beginning of grace, and I am constantly amazed by it. When I put up the tree and hung the nativity ornaments, it was a fresh reminder of why I am celebrating. I have never had a Christmas like this one, and every day is more exciting! I am actually....wait for it.... participating in decorating things down at work, and listening to Christmas music! I know, right? Anti-social me? Once my heart opened to God, it is amazing how many other wonderful things entered in, like love, peace, and joy. 

I have also been studying the bible quite a bit, and how it applies to me. I am in the middle of several very interesting bible studies that are helping me apply it to my life. I know that I am forgiven, but I am still working through some old issues, and I asked my pastors wife what I should do. Her answer, repeatedly, over and over and over again, has been to stay in the word. Honestly, I fought it at the beginning. I thought there was no way the answer could be that simple. Turns out I was wrong. Bible study, worship, prayer. Rinse and repeat. I am growing so much closer to the Lord, and so quickly. Here's a look at what I have been studying: 

1. Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst - For those of you who don't know, Lysa is the president of Proverbs 31 ministries, a website with a radio program and a daily devotional for women. This book is about how we crave food for emotional reasons, and what we are really looking for is God. When describing this book, Lysa says that lots of books talk about the "how to" of being healthy, but not the "want to". This is all about getting yourself spiritually and emotionally in sync with wanting a healthier lifestyle. My favorite thing so far is actually in the introduction. She talks about not being sure she should even write this book because she "is simply a Jesus girl on a journey to finding deeper motivation than just a number on a scale". 
2. Praying God's Word by Beth Moore - This book was actually a gift from a friend, and I am so excited to have started it! Basically, this book is about incorporating God's word in to your daily prayer life. To be more specific, it is about attacking the strongholds in your life with God's word. According to the book, a stronghold is "any argument or pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God; anything that pretends in our minds to be bigger than God". This can be anything from addictions, to lust, to rage. Because I am struggling with guilt over my past, and old habits that are dying hard, this book is really going to attack the heart of my issues, and help me resolve them with a combination of God's word and prayer. 
3. The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer, Alex Kendrick, and Stephen Kendrick - This book isn't for your typical New Years kind of resolution. Yep, this one is based off Courageous, and is written by the Kendrick brothers, and Priscilla Shirer. Name sound familiar? That's right, she is Elizabeth off War Room. I am again struck by something that she points out in the introduction. I am already a woman of resolutions, whether or not I realize it. Everyday, I am choosing to behave a certain way, treat people a certain way, and to stay committed to certain activities. This book is all about choosing how you will behave and treat people, and making a deep commitment and promise to God to follow through with it. I am hoping that this study will help make following God a normal part of my life. I know that I will always struggle, I am human after all; but if there is a way to make it more ingrained in myself to live my life the way God wants, then I will do my best to learn it. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post. I love that I am able to witness for God! God bless you, Merry Christmas (back off, it's December, I can say it, LOL) and TTFN!

With Thanksgiving and Praise

This past Sunday my pastor preached on "living with an attitude of gratitude". Since Thanksgiving was this week, I wasn't surprised that the sermon was about being grateful, and since I grew up attending church I have heard sermons every year that attempted to drive this concept home. However, I am finding that since I was saved in August many things that I have heard and experienced for years are now holding new meaning for me, and this message was no different. I wanted to talk about all the ways that this message touched my heart this week.

The first thing that I was able to truly understand and identify with is that praise and worship should be shouted triumphantly. I always thought people were a little strange for going so "overboard" with their worship. I have since found that there is really no other way to praise God! Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with God's goodness and glory, and what He has done for me, that I find myself singing and dancing with joy just as David did. I don't think I could be casual about the grace that I have experienced, or the blessings that the Lord has heaped upon me.

The second point that really made me think was the 3 step plan that I can use to become and remain grateful.

1. Take note - Live a life of awareness, and truly pay attention to all the things that I am blessed with everyday, big and small.
2. Take inventory - Count your blessings is a beautiful hymn, and just as true today as when it was written. If I am constantly counting my blessings, I will find it very hard to feel that I am lacking something, or to want for more. The Lord promised to provide for my needs, not my wants, and I need to stop confusing the two. And to be brutally honest, all I really NEED is salvation, so the Lord has kept His promise. Everything else is icing on the cake.
3. Take action - If I live a life serving the Lord with joy, not only will that bring me joy and show my faith by my works, but it will also keep my heart where it is supposed to be: humble and joyful.

I also wanted to look at the verses my pastor used in his sermon, because he used Psalm 100, and those are some truly beautiful and amazing verses. I have read them several times since Sunday, and I am loving them more and more.  

• Psalm 100:1  I love that this verse doesn't say to have joyful thoughts. It says to make a joyful noise! The kind of fire that I feel for the Lord is impossible to keep inside, and even if it was I shouldn't hide it away. It is a blessing in itself. We should be verbal with our joy, to the point of overload. 
• Psalm 100:2  This verse makes a point to say that we should serve the Lord with gladness. We shouldn't just do what we feel is our part, and then check that off our to-do list. We should be constantly searching for a way to tell about the Lord, to love our neighbor and our enemy, to help those less fortunate, and to keep the building that houses our church running smoothly and drawing the lost to it. And if that is a person's goal when they serve, then I don't see how they can walk away with anything other than a large grin on their face.
• Psalm 100:3   Know that the Lord He is God. This one is pretty simple: give credit where credit is due. None of the things happening in my life are due to me. I ran my own life for many years, and it went TERRIBLY. I was a chain-smoking, cussing, people hating, drinking, over-eating, crying, depressed, hide in the corner until everyone went away kind of person. Now that the Lord is running my life, I am a singing, loving, laughing, outgoing, joyful, church attending, free of addictions, praying, bible reading, participating in life person and I couldn't be happier, so I better make sure He gets all the praise for it! 

To sum up, I am so thankful for everything the Lord has done for me and given to me, and my biggest wish is that I always remain the same. Even if life treats me like Job and I lose everything, I still want to wake up every morning grateful to the Lord! Hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving, and are enjoying the start of the Christmas season! Till next time!   Angela

What Communion Hath Light With Darkness?

Let me start off by saying: no, I am not going to be talking about marrying a non-believer. I know that is what this verse starts off talking about, and that has always been the part that I have focused on when I read this verse. I was reading an article on a different subject, and the author of that article quoted this verse, but focused on the last part of the verse instead. The author's point was that this verse does talk about starting a commitment with a non-Christian, but it also touches on the fact that, if we are to be a bright and shining light in the world, then we cannot willingly tie any part of ourselves or our lives to darkness.

When I became a Christian I had to start over. The way I thought, the words I spoke, the way I treated people, the movies I watched, the music I listened to, the way I worked at my job, even my day to day routine: it all changed completely. This was partially because my life before salvation was focused on running from God, but it was also because all of my dreams for my life, and the motivations for those dreams, had changed completely. One of the things that I had to do is reevaluate all of my habits and assumptions, and check to see if they matched up to scripture. While this was very easy at first because there were obvious things in my life that had to go (such as the drinking and the movies that were practically demonic), it is now becoming much harder. Why? Because the questions I am asking myself are different.

When I was first saved and was purging my life of the things I could no longer have or participate in, the question I always asked myself was "Is this thing bad for my life and/or walk with God?". However, as the Lord is helping to grow as a Christian, I realize that question is no longer good enough. My question now: Is not being "bad" good enough? Is it enough to strive to be not-unrighteous, or should I work towards righteousness. I am finding that there is a big difference between the two. If something is "not bad", all that means is that it might not hurt my walk with God, but that doesn't mean that it is helping my walk with God. 

So now I have to decide what my ultimate goal is: to avoid things that are bad for me, and do what the bible says I must and nothing more? Or should I be striving for something else, something better? Should my purpose now to make sure that all my actions and activities are more than just not harmful to my life, but that they are actually good for me? But how do I deal with my pride and my longing for the things that I enjoyed as a non-Christian? I think it means that, instead of just eliminating the "bad" things in life, I have to run towards the good things. So what does this mean for me, practically? 

I think this is going to mean even more changes, and is going to require even more determination and prayer. It means that things like Halloween, Santa, the Easter bunny are going to have to go away when I celebrate holidays. Sure, the way I celebrated these holidays wasn't directly harmful to me or my life, but I don't believe that they helped me either. All holidays have the potential to be secular, but if I chose to only celebrate the birth of Jesus instead of Santa, the resurrection of Jesus instead of the Easter bunny, and completely ignore Halloween, then I will be able to enjoy these celebrations and have true fun. Now, this does NOT mean that I am going to run screaming at a person for dressing up for Halloween. It also does NOT mean that I am going to tell every child that mentions Santa that he is not real. It also does not mean that I am going to condemn others for doing these things. I have no right, or wish, to rule anyone else's life: I have my hands full with my own. At the same time, if I am being convicted of these things I have to listen and obey. 

This also means that any music that is not Christian is going to go. I know that is an unpopular notion, and will probably catch me some hate. No, there is nothing inherently bad about some of the music I listen to, but if it doesn't help forward me down the straight and narrow, then it is not serving a positive purpose in my life. This means that the way I treat my bible study and prayer time has to change. I have been doing well with both of these things, in my opinion, because I made sure to set aside time most days for these tasks. However, instead of being something I make sure to carve out a certain amount of time for every day, this needs to be the priority of my day. 

So, long story not short (feel free to laugh) I have found new questions to ask myself. Firstly, does it bring glory to God? Secondly, does it bring me closer to God? If I can't answer these questions with a definite yes, then I am going to avoid whatever it is I am questioning. Does this mean I can't have any fun? Absolutely not! It means I have to redefine my definition of what fun is. Sure, if fun is getting so drunk that I can't remember what I did the night before, or watching movies that give me nightmares, or chain-smoking my money away, or meeting random people in the hopes of fulfilling the unrealistic idea of romance that the world provides, then yes: I won't be any fun. But if fun means spending time with the Lord who loves me and created me, working hard and being able to have pride in the job I do, volunteering my time and getting to make a difference, having donuts and conversation with my fellow church members in between Sunday School and sermons, playing cards or at Chuck E Cheese with my nieces and nephews , and having dinner with my friends, then I am having more fun that most people. I can be loud and happy and a little bit crazy without sinning. 

Well, that was long, but to be fair I haven't posted in almost a month because of computer issues, so I have had a lot of time to think and write. :) Have a blessed day!

Rejoicing, Patient, and Continuing

If you know me from the world outside of my blog, then you know that I have been going through a rough time the past couple of weeks. I was sick, which triggered a bipolar down cycle. I had panic attacks and trouble functioning around people. It happens, but what made this time different was that I had no plan to deal with it. Before I was saved, I had a system for dealing with my down times, but some of those things do not mesh well with a Christian life and so I had to find a new plan of attack. It took me years to develop my coping skills, and this wasn't going to be easy or quick. To try to combat this, I have been researching bible verses about perseverance and how to keep going through trouble. 

The definition of perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. The point: it was easy to be joyful and faithful while everything was going well for me, but now the road is getting rocky and I will have to rely on more than positive feelings to keep me faithful in my walk with God. So as I see it, I now have two choices. First option: I can cut myself a break, tell myself that I can't control my bipolar cycles (which is true), and give myself permission to fail on the days that I am not doing well. Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? I mean, I can't be too hard on myself, right? Problem is, when I reword that sentence to be bluntly honest in it's meaning, it sounds a little different. It's more like: I don't have to worry about doing a bible study if I am sad and don't think I can deal with it, I don't have to get out and exercise if I don't have the energy, I don't have to pray if my heart isn't in it, I don't have to be kind to others and show love if I am in a bad mood. Not so reasonable anymore, right? I didn't think so either, so I decided to look at my second option.

I love Facing the Giants. That movie is incredible, and I have watched it so many times I have memorized quite a bit of it. At lot of people say their favorite part of the movie is the "death crawl" scene. If you have seen it, you know the scene I am talking about. I have to admit, it is my favorite scene too. There are so many things you can take from that scene, but there is one thing that sticks with me every time I watch or think about that movie. When he is doing the death crawl, and it is starting to really hurt him, he tells the coach that it hurts. The coach's response: I know it hurts, you keep going, it's all heart from here. Then he says that it burns. The coach's response: Then let it burn. Then let it burn...four little words that make such a powerful statement. 

Sometimes I will hurt, and there is nothing I can do about that. The only choice I have is whether or not I am going to let that stop me. So what if my nerves are on edge? Let them be on edge! So what if I am tired? Let me be tired! That should not stop me from being faithful to God in my actions, nor should it stop me from continuing to live the full life that He has blessed me with. I may not be able to change how my bipolar disorder, or life in general, makes me feel sometimes but I can change how I react to it. I can stop reacting like a bitter, selfish person and can start trying to be more Christ-like. Basically, I can stop letting my bad days slow me down because God is still there on those days. No matter how I am emotionally, I still need to worship and follow God. 

There is a simple answer to this problem: persevere.   I know it is in me to persevere, I do it everyday. Everyone does. Even on the days we don't feel like getting out of bed, we still do. Even if we don't feel like going to work, we still do. No matter how good or bad life is, there are still moments where we have to convince ourselves to take the next step forward. So I have a new game plan, and it might be a little dorky, but I am a little dorky so it just might work. I made a morning and evening schedule that lists everything I should do in the order it should be done in. The first and last thing on the list for every day is to pray. Bible study is on there three times: morning, lunch, and night. Even on the days I just don't feel like it, I am going to do what God wants me to do anyway. I believe that this will be my ticket to getting through my down cycles, simply because it relies on God's way instead of my emotions. The bible warns us not to live by our own inconsistent emotions, but to live by God's word. Proverbs 3:5-6 states Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. 

Lesson for myself: the bible doesn't say to follow God when I am having a good day, or feel up to it; it simply says to follow God, and that is simply what I am going to do. Thank you for reading this, and letting me share with you the things God is teaching me. Until next time...

How Long Halt Ye Between Two Opinions?

It has been over two weeks since I have written anything, and I could give you plenty of reasons why. I was sick for a week, I was busy at work, I had a lot of things going on in my life...the reasons go on and on. All of the things I listed are true, but if I am being completely honest, that is not why I haven't posted. The truth of the matter is that I turned the focus of my life from God. I didn't mean to turn, and for a few days I didn't realize that I had. It happened so quickly and easily that it snuck up on me. After everything God has shown me, taught me, and done for me, all it took to turn my back on all of it was a sick day where I couldn't sleep. 

I wasn't feeling well, had been sleeping for days straight (it felt like), and bored out of my mind. I had no movies around the house anymore, and I was too tired to do anything else, so I decided to sign back up for netflix. Sounds harmless, right? I watched a few movies, no big deal. Some old TV shows I used to like. That got me to thinking about my old music and how it would be nice to hear some of it again, and so I downloaded some of it. Pretty quickly I was singing along, finding myself cussing like a sailor (which I hadn't done since I was saved). The next thing I know, my bible has gone unopened for days. All because I turned for just a second, just a inch. Suddenly my eyes were facing away from God and my new life, and my focus was on my old life. It's just a reminder that I am on a slippery slope, and if I don't keep my focus on God 100%, I will fall very quickly. Sadly, I didn't see it as falling, I thought I was "finding balance". 

When I got rid of all the non-Christian things in my life, it was supposed to be for good. But then an idea crept into my head: why couldn't I have both my new life and my old habits? Surely I was stronger now, my life has changed so drastically that I must be able to handle the temptation better. And life is all about balance, right? My therapist always talked about balance: if I could balance work, family, and a personal life then I would be in a much healthier place. I took that idea and moved it to my spiritual life as well. Unfortunately, balance doesn't apply there. Christianity is all or nothing. Yes, I am saved and nothing can change that, but if I don't live fully and completely for God then my life will not be what He wants it to be, and I will not be able to live as He wants me to live.

1 Kings 18:21 says "And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow Him; but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word. This is a pretty simple point, and doesn't offer a halfway. I CANNOT follow God and the world. The bible points this out over and over (and over). I couldn't find a verse that says "once you are stronger as a Christian, then you can live as part of the world" or "after a little while of living your life completely for God, then you can have parts of your old life back". It just doesn't work that way, and for good reason. It's the same principle as my quitting smoking: there are days when I want just one smoke, but I know I can't have one. Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUST ONE! So there may be days when I want to listen to my old music, or watch my old shows, or read my old books, but I can't because there is no stopping place. I am either living fully for God or fully in the world. 

The saddest part of all this is that I forgot how unhappy I was in my old life. I guess I worked so hard at looking happy all those years that when I glanced back at my old life, I felt longing. Once I started living it again, though, I remembered pretty quickly how miserable I was. I haven't walked in the park in over a week, I haven't been reading my bible, I haven't been praying like I was. What I have been is miserable, moody, gripey, and sad. Oh yeah, can't believe I gave that life up *insert sarcasm here*. 

The whole time that I was doing this, I knew it was wrong. My heart was heavy, and I knew God was trying to get me back on the right path, but I am just such a stubborn thing, always thinking I know best. I guess I forgot where my choices led me last time. Luckily, I started listening again Sunday and I am getting back on track. I am feeling like my new self again, and am so glad for it. Hopefully, the next time I think I miss my old life, I will read this post and remember. 

Lesson of the week: Finding balance between my new Christian life and my old worldly life is impossible, and trying to straddle a fence will only get me a splinter in my behind.

Until next time, God bless you and thank you for reading!   Angela

Of A Good Courage

Bipolar disorder is the world's least fun roller coaster. When I feel good, I feel REALLY good. But when I am down just getting out of bed is hard, much less trying to act like a normal person all day. The worst part: the days cycle back and forth, sometimes I am up for a two weeks, and then down for a week, then I will be up again. Sometimes people think that bipolar disorder isn't real and that I can just snap out of it, and no matter how much I explain that this is a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I can't just decide to calm down or have a positive attitude, they just can't seem to understand. Wow, this one is starting out depressing, isn't it? I promise, it isn't going to stay that way. How do I know that? Because I have the joy of Christ in my heart and life, and I can't be kept down for long. Just give me a few minutes to work through this one. 

I am not just a person with bipolar disorder; I am also a Christian, and that offers me hope. Specifically, in Joshua 1:9, the bible says: Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. When I became a Christian, I received the gift of peace and joy that comes from living my life based on God's word, Christ's love, and the Holy Spirit's guidance. I do not believe that this struggle is pointless, there has to be a reason I am going through this. 

This past Sunday's sermon at my church even spoke to this issue. Romans 8:28 states "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose". Basic translation: God can use the bad things that happen to us to forward His plan for our life. I don't know how this is supposed to bring glory to God, or help me in my walk with Him, but I don't have to know. God knows, and I have faith in Him. That is enough for me. So it's time to find a new game plan for dealing with my bipolar disorder, a plan based on faith and God's word, instead of addictions and vice. The bible offers plenty of verses about anxiety, but does it offer a plan of attack for this illness? Enter Ephesians 6:10-18, and the armor of God. 

No, these verses do not specifically talk about mental illness, but they are a battle plan against anything this world or satan may throw at me. The armor of God...it sounds so fierce. I need a little fierce right now, a way to fight the fear and sadness trying to weigh me down. So let's look at the basics:

How can these things help me? 

• Belt of Truth: Honestly, not sure about this one yet, and I would rather admit that than to make something up to try to sound good. I am not here because I have all the answers, but because I follow the One who does. 
• Breastplate of Righteousness: The bible states I cannot be righteous on my own; to only way to be righteous is through the blood of Christ. Just because it is impossible for me to achieve on my own doesn't mean I am off the hook, though. Just because perfection is impossible on my own doesn't mean I don't have to try to obey. God wants me to do my best to follow His commandments, and to do that I have to be totally focused on Him. If I am totally focused on God, it will be a little harder for my sadness and fear to take hold.
• Shoes of the Gospel of Peace: I had a little trouble with this one. I had to research to try to figure out exactly what it means, and there were many different answers. From what I can tell, this means that we are to be prepared to share the gospel with others, and that I should walk in the spirit. If anyone can shed some light on this one, please feel free to let me know. 
• The Shield of Faith: This one sounds pretty basic and simple, but in truth the impact of true faith on a life is immeasurable. If I continue to have faith that God is in control, that alone should have a great impact on my down days. I will be able to believe that I can get through it with God's help, and sometimes the knowledge that I will get through it is the biggest help.
• The Helmet of Salvation: Check. Praise God and yippee!
• The Sword of the Spirit (the bible): If I spend as much of my time as possible in the word of God, it should be pretty hard to forget where my true hope lies. 
• Praying: Ties the whole thing together. I think of it like school: the textbook is very important, but it is also crucial to listen to the teacher. It is important that I spend time in the word of God, but I should also be in constant contact with the author. 

I think God has used this post to help me more than to witness to anyone else. When I started typing this up, I was so unhappy and had forgotten where I was supposed to be looking. Now I am looking towards God, and I am full of hope again. Isn't God wonderful?!? Well, that was super long so I think I will stop here. Until the next post...God bless you!

Who am I, Lord?

When a child is born, they don't know how to walk, talk, feed themselves, or do other things that adults can do without a thought. Their personality also has to be learned, to develop. According to Parenting.com, babies are born with a few personality traits, but most will be learned. When asked the question "How soon will I know that my baby is like?" their response was "Some traits are obvious almost from birth; others will become apparent by 3 or 4 months. And some may evolve in intensity.". As a new Christian, I am reading this information with more than a little interest, since in Corinthians Paul describes new Christians as babes in Christ. 

Since August 4th, I have been telling myself and everyone else that would listen that the person I was before is dead and gone. I was so happy to toss aside the miserable person that I was and start a new life through Christ. What I didn't think about or understand was that someone new was going to take the place of the person I was. Yes, I gave up music, movies, and books that were bad for me, but now my shelves are filling up with new things I love. I gave up cussing and telling dirty jokes, but now my words can raise people up and comfort them, and my jokes can make people (including myself) laugh without leading me down a dark path. The couch potato who would eat constantly for comfort is now the girl walking at Creekmore every day and watching what she eats, so that she can enjoy a full life like God wants her to. The woman who didn't open her bible for years has been replaced by a woman that hates to stop her bible study (because I am always at a good part). The list goes on and on...Instead of seeing just the things I stopped being, I am starting to notice the things that I am becoming. 

The other day I was talking to my mother, telling her again why I really couldn't go to Sunday School. Going to church for the sermon was one thing, at least I didn't have to sit with anyone else, or be noticed; going to Sunday School with a smaller group of people would be torture for me. I reminded her that the last time I tried, I was sick to my stomach after the end of class and I left the church practically in tears. She reminded me that I wasn't a Christian when I tried before, that my focus was on the wrong things. Once I thought about that for a while, it sunk in that I shouldn't make any assumptions about who I am anymore, or what I can handle. I am a new creation in Christ, and I am going to have to stop letting the fears and hangups of the woman who died affect the woman who now lives. 

Even as I type these words, the dark whispers in my head start. Sometimes, when I am at church and am talking to a group of other members who are kind to me, my brain tells me that they don't REALLY like me, they are just being nice to me because that is what Christians do. When people read my blog posts, it isn't because they actually want to, they probably think it is stupid and are just reading it to support me. When I talk about how God has blessed me, and people act excited, they are probably just thinking that that they wish I would go away because I am so annoying. These are the thoughts that run through my head sometimes, and I am finding it hard to let them go. 

I am truly joyful as I see all the wonderful things that God is doing in my life, and I can't wait to see the person that I become through God's instruction; I also have deep fears about my self-worth, and I have trouble being close to people because I don't truly believe they want to be close to me. And that is how this post is going to end, full of joy at the new person that I am and full of fear that I am nothing but an annoyance that people have to deal with. This is who I am right now, and I am not going to move past the fear and forward to the blessings until I acknowledge my fears. I am DETERMINED to move forward into the life God has planned for me. So here we go, another day, another attempt at getting out into the world and becoming a more faithful part of the family of Christ. 

A Message From A (Former) Prodigal Daughter

Since I turned my life over to God on August 4th, I have had people tell me of loved ones that have turned from God, and that my story has given them hope that their loved ones can still turn their life back to God. I want to tell you there is always hope! I have felt led today to offer some encouragement to those of you who are praying for the lost in your life, whether never having been saved or having wandered from the flock. 

If you have been reading my blog, then you know everything from August 2nd going forward, but my journey back to God took much longer than two days. I was raised in church, and was "saved" at a very young age. I wanted to be a good person and make my family proud. As I grew older, I did all the things a good Christian is supposed to do: I memorized verses, went to church, went to summer camp, sang specials in the church, and acted morally in my life. I even went to a baptist college after I graduated high school. I had all the appearances of a good daughter and a faithful Christian, but my heart was not in it. If a child is willful and selfish, and only acts like a Christian for appearances, we can learn to harden our hearts to the message over the years simply because we have heard it so many times without experiencing change.

Over the next few years I stopped going to church and I began to live my life as if there was no God. And the years passed...and my family prayed. By this time, I had pretty much adopted the life of an atheist. Sure, I went to church on Christmas (at one point I even started regularly attending again) because I knew this was the "acceptable" thing. Outside of church, though, I scoffed and made fun of those crazy Christians who actually believed that there was someone in the sky who was in control and let their belief affect their lives. I had accepted, deep down, that if there was a God (and I wasn't sure there was) that I was going to hell, and had lost all hope that I could change any of it. My life fell deeper and deeper into sin, but I thought that I was okay, that I was happy, that I had it all under control. For years I lived what I thought was a happy and complete life without God. And then August 2-4 happened. And boom, my life was changed radically. But it wasn't magic, or a trick, it was the result of years of planted seeds and prayer!

What a wonderful feeling it must be for someone to walk in the church seeking God, and to get to lead them to Christ. Just a few short hours (or less), and you can see results from your effort. It is much harder to pray for years without seeing any return for your investment. But if my family had given up, I might still be lost today. I would never have received the church bulletin, or seen God's Not Dead, or borrowed it to watch at home. For years I avoided God, my family, the church, and anyone who tried to speak of God to me. For years my family prayed, and I lived the life of a non-Christian. I think that is the point: God did not answer their prayers right away, not because He couldn't, but because we were given the gift of free will and my heart was hard. 

Your prayers are not wasted because they are not answered right away! The Lord is faithful to answer our prayers if we have faith. So take heart, and have faith! Your loved ones can come back to God and live a full life in Him. You can't change them, or force them, but don't give up on them either. Be prepared to be made fun off, to be ignored, or even to be hated. My family was, and I am so grateful that they were willing to put up with that to keep trying to give me the word of God. I can't promise it will be easy (I can't imagine what those years must have felt like to them) but if they had given up because it wasn't easy or quick then I would still be suffering. 

I wish that my story gives you hope that, even if it takes years and years, even if you don't live long enough to see it happen, God can change the heart of someone who is running from Him. Have faith, and keep praying! I want to offer some verses that might be comforting to you:

Luke 8:15 But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience.

Hebrews 10:36 For ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

John 14:13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

If you are reading this and you are lost or the child running from God, I have a warning for you: Your life might seem good, and you might think you are happy, but if you don't repent and follow Christ, you will never know true happiness in life, and in death you will know true hell! You have lived in the dark so long that you have forgotten what light looks like; Repent and ask Christ to be Lord of your life! Search your heart so that you might know the truth, because God is loving, but He is also just, and a judgement is coming. Please, listen to someone who has been where you are, and understand that your pride and willfulness will only lead to destruction. If you are struggling right now, you might be open to this message. But if you think your life is good, and you don't feel the darkness all around you, then you might not be willing to turn your life around, because things are going so well. I would like to share with you a quote from the movie "God's Not Dead". 

Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late.

I hope that this has been a blessing to you, and I will post again in a couple days! Till then...God bless you!

Commit Thy Works

I love the phrase "I will try". It has a nice ring, doesn't it? In that one small phrase, there is the sound of effort, a willingness to give the task at hand your attention and strength. But what makes that phrase so special to me is that it also gives me an out. The definition of the word try is: an effort to accomplish something, an attempt. By adding the word "try", I am giving my words the sound of a "yes", while giving myself a way to end up saying "no" later. This phrase says I will give an effort to do something without actually promising to get it done. I get to sound committed without actually being committed. Isn't that great? Can you hear my sarcasm yet? 

I had a plan for today's post. I have started "The Resolution for Women" and it includes some resolutions to sign your name to and hang on your wall. The plan was write the resolutions down, sign them, hang them, and take the picture; then I could spend the next couple of months doing the bible study so that I can explore each section of my resolution. I had all my supplies ready, and then I got down to business and started researching for my study session and blog. I was looking up definitions for resolution, and other similar words. You ready?

Resolution: a firm decision to do or not to do something

Vow: solemnly promise to do a specific thing; dedicate to someone or something, especially a deity

Covenant: an agreement; agree, by legal contract

Promise: assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange   something; under take or declare that something will happen

Did you notice something in all those definitions? I couldn't find the word "try" one time. There is no apathy, flexibility, insincerity, indecision, or (most importantly) loophole in those definitions. Instead, there is resolve, tenacity, purposefulness, and willpower. After I started reading these definitions, it occurred to me that maybe signing these resolutions before I finished the bible study and fully understood what I was committing myself to was a mistake. I decided to research further, and read more into the resolutions I was signing. I am listing a couple of the main ones below:

• I will live as a woman answerable to God and faithfully committed to His word.
• I will seek to devote the best of myself, my time, and my talents to the primary roles the Lord has entrusted to me in this phase of my life. 
• I will forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.

And it was then I noticed: there is no out, no way to do this halfway. There are more than a dozen resolutions, and the word "try" is not in there. ANYWHERE. Between the definitions I was reading, and the resolutions, I was starting to understand that what I am about to undertake should not be done lightly. Then I went to the original source; I started reading bible verses about resolutions and vows. 

Psalms 89:34 My covenant will I not break, nor alter the thing that is gone out of my lips.

Matthew 5:33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths.

Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 When thou vowest a vow until God, defer not to pay it; for He hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.

So, after I was hit over the head several times, in several different ways, I have decided to hold off signing any resolution or making any vows/promises to God until I have fully completed this bible study. One of my biggest things I struggle with is pride. I have been trying to change for years, to turn my life around. Nothing I did worked, because I was doing it for the wrong reasons: for pride, vanity, selfishness. But in one short month, God has set me on the right path, and nothing about the woman I am now resembles the woman I was before. I still find myself trying to take some credit for this change, and so I make myself verbally give the praise to God. I think I was doing the same thing with this, I was laying the credit at my ability to research things fully, and the fact that I have made other vows in the last month, and I am keeping them. I forgot for a moment that the only reason I have been able to do what I have in the last month is because God has given me the direction and strength. I think I should continue to let God lead me where He wants me to go, and let Him show me the correct way to agree to and follow these resolutions. 

I think the other lesson God is trying to teach me is that I should do absolutely everything for the glory of Him. Everything I do, big or small, matters because it is a reflection of my attitude and of the promise of a full life in God. I should do nothing halfway. If I fully commit myself to the task at hand, I should never have to say "I will try". The task may be hard, and I may not be able to do it as well as someone else could have, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If I apply a biblical attitude to it, and rely on God's strength instead of my own, I should be able to do anything God wants of me!

Lazarus, Come Forth

Hello again! Sorry I haven't written anything in a few days. Believe me, it wasn't because there was nothing going on in my life; I haven't written because God is doing so much in my life and heart that I almost can't keep up. I am breathless with the changes that God has brought about in my life, and so excited to be able to share them with you.

The story of Lazarus is a miraculous one: dead for four days and Jesus raised him from the dead. This is not some fable or fairy tale, or even a feel good story, this is truth and reality. This is real. Can you imagine the happiness of his family as they watched him walk out of the tomb? Jesus overcame the grave over and over again, and I am happy to say Jesus has not stopped raising people from the dead, and I am the proof. Sure, I was walking around on two legs, breathing and eating and talking like a living person, but I was like a zombie: my body was going through the motions, but there was no true thought or purpose to it. Everything I did was whatever it took to feel good in that moment, with no worry for the consequences to my life or soul. But on August 4th, Jesus came to my tomb and told me to come forth, and I walked out alive and new. If you are saved, you know what I mean. If you aren't saved by the grace of Jesus, I could wish nothing more than that for you. To breathe, love, and live after being dead for so long is a feeling I will not soon forget (hopefully I never will). 

I am getting baptized! September 20th at South Side Baptist Church, I will openly commit my life to Christ. I am looking into baptism and the importance of it. I want to understand what I am doing, why I am doing it, and what it means for me. I know that it means I will truly be a member of that church, and that I am following Christ's example (internal pause: the fact that I can say I am following His example just put another big grin on my face), but what else does it mean? 

Mark 1:4 John did baptize in the wilderness, and preach the baptism of repentance for the remission of sins.

Acts 18:25 This man was instructed in the way of the Lord; and being fervent in the spirit, he spake and taught diligently the things of the Lord, knowing only the baptism of John.

Romans 6:4 Therefore we are buried with him by Baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Acts 22:16 And now why tarriest thou? arise, and be baptized, and wash away thy sins, calling on the name of the Lord.

Galatians 3:27 For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

So what does this all mean to me? Baptism is a way to join the church, and to follow Christ's example, but it is meant to be other things, as well. According to Mark, this is an act of repentance for my previous sins. The verse in Romans makes sense to me as well: we are emotional creatures, and God uses our emotions to try and reach us, and to help us understand His wishes. He uses this as an emotional reminder of the fact that Christ rose from the grave, to give us awe of Him that death has no power over Him, and to give us the chance to feel the same awakening that the dead feel after being raised. In the few seconds that I am dunked, and pulled back up, I get to experience in act what I felt in my heart the moment that God took over my life and reclaimed what was His. 

And Acts...well Acts is a gold mine for verses about baptism. Acts 18:25 tells me that true baptism has power to it. It is not just an act, but a powerful weapon of the spirit of God. Approached the correct way, baptism after salvation can help a person to be faithful and diligent in the ways of the Lord. Acts 2:38 tells me that baptism coupled with salvation is a way to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 22:16 tells me that, when I called on the name of the Lord my sin was washed away, and baptism is a part of that process. 

My favorite verse, though, is Galatians 3:27. The bible is clear that salvation through Christ is all that is required to go to heaven, and a few years ago, that is all I would have cared about: going to heaven, not hell. I would have wanted the reward of heaven without understanding that being a Christian is not just about going to heaven, but it is also about living for God on earth. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want heaven, but I also want God in my day to day life, and the verse in Galatians tells me that by being baptized in Christ, I will have put on Christ. To me, that doesn't mean that by being dunked in a tub of water, I will have put on Christ; what it means is that, by letting my heart, soul, and life be baptized in the love of Christ and the way of God, I can become more Christ-like. According to the bible, being baptized is a meaningful part of that process. 

And so, I am terribly excited about September 20. I am kind of glad that I am going to wait until then, because that gives me time to pray and reflect on what I am doing. I am very much the type of person to rush in to something without thinking first, but I want to be fully aware of what I am doing, and the wonderful consequences of that decision. I want to be sober in spirit about it, and give the act of my baptism the respect it deserves. 

Wow, that was longer than I thought it would be. When God starts giving me words, I just start typing and forget about the length. Better a long post that gives out the full message that God wants me to spread, then a short one that leaves something out! Just a few more very very very quick updates:

I saw War Room yesterday, and I would highly recommend it to anyone looking to feel some fire in their heart about prayer. I believe that God puts these movies and books in front of us for the same reason that He puts pastors and sermons in front of us: to keep us on fire for Him. 

Also, in an effort to rejoin the living after so many years of hiding out behind my sorrow, bitterness, bipolar, and depression, I am starting to exercise and take better care of myself. The bible says to do all things for the glory of God, and that should include every part of my life. I know that my heart is the most important thing, but it is not the only part of my life that should reflect God. Everything I do should be an example of living my life the way God meant for it to be lived, and that is to the fullest. 

Oh yeah, I also forgot that I promised to talk about my new bible study based on Courageous, but I promise, that is coming tomorrow. I would say scouts honor, but I was never a boy scout, so...

God bless and talk to you tomorrow!

For Now I Know That Thou Fearest God

Genesis 22:1-19 tells the story of the testing of Abraham. God called on him to sacrifice his only son as an offering. Anyone that has read this story knows how it ends: God sends an angel to stop Abraham. It is important to note, though, that God doesn't stop him at the beginning of the test. 

He didn't stop him after Abraham agreed to sacrifice his beloved son, or when he traveled three days to get to the place of sacrifice, or when Isaac questioned where the lamb was for the offering (how hard that must have been for Abraham to answer that question); He didn't stop him as he tied up and laid on an altar his only son. God only stopped him when he raised the knife to follow through with the deed. Sometimes when we are tested, it is not a quick thing. God is not looking to see if you will just say the words and agree, but He wants to know if you will carry out the actions required of you, if you will be ready to do as He requires, even if it will cause you pain. That is what I have been going through the past few days. 

God laid it on my heart to confess a past sin publicly. Even though He didn't have to, He also told me the reasons that this was required of me. I wanted to obey God, but this was going to hurt me; I had to decide how much I trusted God. I decided to move forward and do what He required. But first, I had to travel my three days as Abraham did. I had to prepare, and take steps to make the sacrifice. I sought counsel from other Christian women in my life. The general consensus was the same: I was forgiven and I didn't have to do this, but when I told them that God was calling me to, they told me that if God wanted this from me, that I should do it. I prayed for courage and strength. A lot. A whole lot. 

At every turn, God confirmed that this is what He wanted from me: to confess my sin to the whole world. Then I started receiving counsel from others who told me that I shouldn't do this, that this wasn't the right thing to do. And so I asked God, and He repeated that this was required of me. And so the third day of my journey came, and I started the confession. I told many family members and friends privately so that they would not be shocked when I posted it for all the world to see. They deserved to hear it from me. I made every preparation, and was fully committed to obeying God. And then, just as He did with Abraham, God stopped me. 

I received a phone call from my uncle, and he told me that God laid it on his heart to give me a message: Let it go, I am forgiven, there is no need for this. At this point, I was almost a little too stubborn; I was so used to people telling me to think before I did this, that it would negatively affect my testimony, that this would negatively affect me. Don't get me wrong, the people telling me these things weren't wrong; they were telling me what God was telling them to. All of the things said to me were for God's purpose, and for my test. But I was hearing God's voice loud and clear telling me to do this, and so I had quickly gotten very stubborn about it; I was going to go through with this no matter what. It never occurred to me that God would be the one telling me to stop. And so I again insisted that this was something that I was supposed to do, and this is where everything changed. God had given my uncle a message to give me, and my uncle was going to get me to hear it whether I wanted to or not. 

I could hear the emotion and frustration in his voice as he tried to get through to me that God was telling me I didn't have to do this; when I could tell he was getting desperate to make me understand, it slowed me down because I didn't want to upset him. I looked for something to say that would comfort him, give him some hope that I was hearing him without my agreeing to not do something that God had told me to. And I found myself, out of nowhere, talking about a long forgotten bible story from my youth, something I had not thought about or talked about for years. I told him that maybe this was like Abraham being tested; maybe this wasn't about my actually confessing, but about my being willing to trust God and confess. As I said the words, it started to sink in that God put those words in my heart and mouth; they certainly didn't come from me. I was relieved, but hesitant. I didn't want to say that this came from God if it was only my subconscious trying to get out of doing something that I didn't want to do. And so I did what I always do when I need to work something out in my head: I called my momma. 

As I was telling her what had happened, she said that the same thing had occurred to her; that was when I first truly thought that maybe God was telling me to stop. And so I prayed, and I prayed hard. I told God that if I didn't have to do this, thank you, but that if this is what He required, that I would do it willingly with no worry for the consequences. And then I was silent, and I just listened. Waiting in the silence for God to speak was a powerful thing, but then a much more powerful thing happened. God answered me, and relieved me of this duty. As I type this, I am still close to tears with emotion. 

As I am closing out this blog post, I want to stress two very important things. Firstly, I don't want to leave the false impression that, if God asks us to do something hard or that we don't want to do, we will be stopped before actually having to make the sacrifice. I don't want anyone to take from this that faith is all that is required of us; sometimes action is required as well. Sometimes the angel will stay our hand before the knife slices down, but sometimes we are required to make the cut. Secondly, I want to make sure that it is understood that nothing about this should raise me up in anyone's eyes. This faith, this action, this willingness to obey God, is all because of God. The sinful person that I was before being saved would never have been willing to do this. The person I was would have said that it wouldn't make me happy, so what was the point? The only reason that I was able to pass this test is because my heart is so full of God, that there was no doubt that I would obey, or that I would have the strength to do so. 

I hope that this testimony will lift you up, and maybe encourage you if you are currently being tested. God will never have us to go through something we cannot handle with His help, and everything He does allow to happen is so that we can become closer to the person that He means for us to be, and live a life closer to the one that He wants for us. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 says But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil. 

I have started a new bible study today. It is The Resolution for Women. This is a based on the movie Courageous. I knew there was a men's bible study based on the movie, but I found a version for women at Lifeway yesterday, and it has a resolution for us to consider as well. I am very excited about this. What I read today was very good, and I am excited to read more tomorrow. I will be talking more about this in tomorrow's blog. 

God bless, and talk to you tomorrow!

Old Things Are Passed Away

Once I decided to turn my life over to God through Jesus, things started changing for me very quickly. As long as I lived my life in darkness, it was easy to believe that my life and the things in it were completely acceptable. But once God's light shone upon my actions, activities, and possessions, it became immediately clear that things had to change. This was not a slow call from God to look through every item, evaluate the level of damage it was doing in my life, and then get rid of it if I felt I should or could; this was a shout in my ears to get it out, right then and there. I had collected a lot of books, movies, and stuff in general that was going to have to go. A LOT. 

The night of August 4th, and the morning of the 5th, I did some serious purging. It was hard, painful, and wonderful all at the same time. A few things that I had to get rid of technically had nothing wrong with them, but movies are an addiction for me, and anything that came between me and God had to go. These things I sold back, but many other things I owned were anti-Christian at the very least, some worshipped other gods, others were boldly demonic. I could not sell these things back, and put them back into the world, where someone might buy them. How would I answer for that later, if I did that and it kept someone else from finding God? My only regret is that some people were hurt by these actions. They couldn't understand how I could throw away things they had given me for my birthday, or Christmas...did I value their friendship that lightly? Not at all, but God's commands come first. He didn't say to take my time in deciding the best way to get these things out, He said to get them out immediately, and I did what I felt Him leading me to do. 

I thought that I had done wonderfully, and had gotten out everything that had come between me and God. God disagreed...the night of the 5th He once again told me to get rid of the things that were hurting me. Once again, the trashcan came out, and many things were thrown away. Rinse and repeat, over and over and over. I wish I could tell you that I was done, but I am still finding things in my house that are not good for me and my walk with God. A couple days ago I threw out more movies and some pictures that depicted drinking on them. 

Again, let me stress that these things aren't necessarily bad for everyone; I am not judging or pretending to be better than anyone else because I got rid of these things. I had to get rid of things that most Christians can have in their home, not because I am better, but because I am much worse off. I can not allow anything in my life that might influence me back to my old way of living. The person I was is dead, and a new person has been born; the woman I am now has little interest in the life and things of the woman I was. It all had to go: movies I watched for hours on end, the alcohol and anything that represented it, the smoking, all my vampire stuff, my horror movies, my romance novels that idealized sex outside of marriage, anything that had to do with India because a lot of that involved worship of other gods. It goes on and on. I filled my trashcan up over and over and over. I didn't know how much there was until I had to have it hauled away. These pictures are my bookshelf and DVD shelves after the purge. These were so full when I started that I had no more room for any more movies or books, so you can see how many I had to get rid of. My walls are also half empty after taking down all the wall art that had to go. 

I lost clothes, movies, books, tons of music, craft projects with non-Christian themes, wall art, even the crafts business I had started...it goes on and on. But to be clear, what I really lost was a life full of sin, sadness, loneliness, bitterness, and despair. These things never made me happy, even if it felt like they did; they actually did the opposite and caused untold damage. They never helped the problem, they only masked the symptoms of my unhappiness. But now, everything has changed; even on my hardest day since God saved me I am happier than I was on my best day as an unrepentant sinner. There is no comparison, and no way for you to understand unless you have experienced this for yourself. If you haven't, I urge you to talk to a Christian you know, or to the pastor of a local church; if you have no one in your life to tell you about Jesus, I would love to share the gospel with you! Feel free to email me at purplesapphire81@yahoo.com. 



There were many other changes in my life since my salvation, but this is the one that seems to have made the biggest impact on my life. I appreciate your taking the time to let me share what God has done for me. Talk to you tomorrow!

God's Way And My Wilderness, Part Three

I wish I could say that when I woke up on August 4th, I had figured out something was happening to my life, but I am not that smart; I wish I could say that I was ready to be shown the path that I was supposed to be on, but my eyes were blinded by my own pride. Even as I type these words, I find myself laughing out loud at my ignorance and pride, and right behind the laughter are a few tears at the wasted years of sin and vice. At least I know now that I will not have to look back at this time in my life with regret, for I am walking with the Lord. As to how that came about, let's start where I left off...

As I looked over my plans that day, I realized that I needed to go by the church that morning to drop something off to my mother. Looking back, after everything that happened, I should have seen more significance in the fact that I had to go to the church that day. Hindsight, and all that, you know? When I walked into my mothers office, I looked to my left and there was a stack of books and movies to go to the church library. Can you see where this is headed? Right on the top of the stack is the library's brand new copy of "God's Not Dead". At this point, I gave up, but not because I wanted to let God in. Frankly, it was because I was sick of having it shoved in my face, and still a little afraid after the dream I had. I asked if I could borrow it, and mom told me that I was welcome to take it home. And in my purse the movie went, and home I went. I realize now that everything that had happened up to this moment was God attempting to soften my heart to the message, and to Him. Knowing that, I feel so blessed that He was still trying to save me and my life, even after I had told Him to go away. More than that, I had run as fast as I could away from Him, and made sure to tell everyone with my words and actions that I was just fine without God.

Hours later, out of boredom, and because I thought that if I gave in and watched the movie then maybe I would be left alone, I turned the movie on. I wish I could properly describe to you what happened next. I have started and stopped this part several times, and I still cannot find a way to tell you what came over me, the changes in my heart over the next three hours. I will do the best that I can with my words to describe the joy that comes to a sinning heart when grace enters in. I watched the first half of the movie, and then a friend stopped by for a chat. While I was talking to her, I asked her if she had seen it (she had), and told her that it was a great movie. My heart was softening to the message, and I was feeling something, but I know at this point it was a hollow thing; there was the emotion but no decision to invite God into my heart. After she left, I finished the movie. I can't pinpoint the minute it happened, but I do remember the overwhelming feeling that came over me. At some point, this stopped being about watching a movie, and started being about listening to God. Once I decided to listen to Him, to really hear Him, that was it. All at once, there was a feeling of pure bright light in my soul. It was as if God put the light there to show me the darkness I had been living in, and the difference was intense. At that moment, I was done. That is all I can remember thinking and feeling, that I was done. Done with a hollow life without God, done with doing things my own way, done with pretending sin was just me being free to make my own choices. Done! 

Over the next 36 hours, the changes that happened were like a whirlwind in my life. The most important one, the biggest thing to ever happen in my life, was that I asked God to come in to my heart, to save me through the blood of Jesus. Many of you who have known me for a while believed I was already saved, and it's true that I went through the motions more than once. I have lost count of how many times I have been "saved". Many times in my life, I have felt the call to be saved, and got down on my knees in prayer. Why wasn't I saved then? Because it was never about letting God into my heart and turning my life over to Him; it was always about being afraid of going to hell, or wanting to please my family or my church, or wanting the attention that new Christians seem to get from others, or wanting to feel the emotions that I could see in other people who had accepted Him. In admitting this in such a public way, it feels like I am exposing the truth of who I was for the first time in my life. It is painful, yes, and a little embarrassing, but freeing as well. I will not pretend anymore, not for anything. If I don't show the truth of who I was, then how am I to show people the true change that God has brought to my life? 

My only wish for this post is that someone who reads it may see themselves in my story and repent, and will save themselves the pain that I felt from my years of separation from God. You may not know you are hurting (I didn't) but on the day you finally see the truth, you will feel all the pain and wasted time at once. I urge you to search for God now, avoid my heartache. 

God has brought about many other changes in my life, and I will talking about some of those tomorrow. Thank you for giving me a chance to witness for God! Talk to you tomorrow!