How Long Halt Ye Between Two Opinions?

It has been over two weeks since I have written anything, and I could give you plenty of reasons why. I was sick for a week, I was busy at work, I had a lot of things going on in my life...the reasons go on and on. All of the things I listed are true, but if I am being completely honest, that is not why I haven't posted. The truth of the matter is that I turned the focus of my life from God. I didn't mean to turn, and for a few days I didn't realize that I had. It happened so quickly and easily that it snuck up on me. After everything God has shown me, taught me, and done for me, all it took to turn my back on all of it was a sick day where I couldn't sleep. 

I wasn't feeling well, had been sleeping for days straight (it felt like), and bored out of my mind. I had no movies around the house anymore, and I was too tired to do anything else, so I decided to sign back up for netflix. Sounds harmless, right? I watched a few movies, no big deal. Some old TV shows I used to like. That got me to thinking about my old music and how it would be nice to hear some of it again, and so I downloaded some of it. Pretty quickly I was singing along, finding myself cussing like a sailor (which I hadn't done since I was saved). The next thing I know, my bible has gone unopened for days. All because I turned for just a second, just a inch. Suddenly my eyes were facing away from God and my new life, and my focus was on my old life. It's just a reminder that I am on a slippery slope, and if I don't keep my focus on God 100%, I will fall very quickly. Sadly, I didn't see it as falling, I thought I was "finding balance". 

When I got rid of all the non-Christian things in my life, it was supposed to be for good. But then an idea crept into my head: why couldn't I have both my new life and my old habits? Surely I was stronger now, my life has changed so drastically that I must be able to handle the temptation better. And life is all about balance, right? My therapist always talked about balance: if I could balance work, family, and a personal life then I would be in a much healthier place. I took that idea and moved it to my spiritual life as well. Unfortunately, balance doesn't apply there. Christianity is all or nothing. Yes, I am saved and nothing can change that, but if I don't live fully and completely for God then my life will not be what He wants it to be, and I will not be able to live as He wants me to live.

1 Kings 18:21 says "And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow Him; but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word. This is a pretty simple point, and doesn't offer a halfway. I CANNOT follow God and the world. The bible points this out over and over (and over). I couldn't find a verse that says "once you are stronger as a Christian, then you can live as part of the world" or "after a little while of living your life completely for God, then you can have parts of your old life back". It just doesn't work that way, and for good reason. It's the same principle as my quitting smoking: there are days when I want just one smoke, but I know I can't have one. Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUST ONE! So there may be days when I want to listen to my old music, or watch my old shows, or read my old books, but I can't because there is no stopping place. I am either living fully for God or fully in the world. 

The saddest part of all this is that I forgot how unhappy I was in my old life. I guess I worked so hard at looking happy all those years that when I glanced back at my old life, I felt longing. Once I started living it again, though, I remembered pretty quickly how miserable I was. I haven't walked in the park in over a week, I haven't been reading my bible, I haven't been praying like I was. What I have been is miserable, moody, gripey, and sad. Oh yeah, can't believe I gave that life up *insert sarcasm here*. 

The whole time that I was doing this, I knew it was wrong. My heart was heavy, and I knew God was trying to get me back on the right path, but I am just such a stubborn thing, always thinking I know best. I guess I forgot where my choices led me last time. Luckily, I started listening again Sunday and I am getting back on track. I am feeling like my new self again, and am so glad for it. Hopefully, the next time I think I miss my old life, I will read this post and remember. 

Lesson of the week: Finding balance between my new Christian life and my old worldly life is impossible, and trying to straddle a fence will only get me a splinter in my behind.

Until next time, God bless you and thank you for reading!   Angela