Content Whatever The Circumstances

When I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior two years ago many things changed in my life, both physically and emotionally. Many of these changes were not just expected, they were my deepest desire. There have been some unforeseen changes as well. When I stopped longing to die I started longing to really live. i found myself back out in the world that I had hated for so long, and surrounded by the people that I had been avoiding.

I was very good at avoiding others. I had spent so long running from meaningful relationships that I had convinced myself that I didn't need anyone else; I felt complete in myself. When I came to know the Lord I also came to understand that I am incomplete without Jesus. The side effect of that lesson was that I started to recognize that having other people in my life was not something that I wanted to live without. I wanted to be closer to my family. I wanted to have friends. I also felt a longing deep in my heart that I didn't know I could feel anymore. I spent so many years screaming from the top of my lungs that I was done with romantic love...that I was complete in myself. Once my heart and head opened up to the idea that I needed God in my life I realized I was not totally self-sufficient. God is the only one who can complete me but maybe, just maybe, having other people in my life was a blessing instead of a sign of weakness. And now, two years and a much softer heart later, I feel that I might finally be ready to let someone in again.

I don't have anyone in mind yet, and God hasn't directed me towards anyone, so now I am in a position that I haven't been in for years: wishing for a partner in life but not having someone. This started to bring about discontentment which has no place in my heart, life, or Christian walk. God has provided me with everything I need in life and more, so to feel discontent seems horribly ungrateful. 

So now I am studying being content in the Lord, my goal being to be hopeful and anticipate what my future may hold...to have goals and dreams...but to still be grateful and appreciate what my life is right now. My life since I have come to know Jesus has been better than I ever dreamed it could be. Christ is enough for me; once I realized that contentment started filling my heart. I am enjoying my current stage of life and what I have. I have joy.

Conflict In Spades

Conflict: to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; to clash.

I have never dealt well when I am having conflict with others. I don't know how to fight fair or honestly, and I never cared to try before. When I had an argument or disagreement with someone before I was saved I had one reaction: go full rage mode and do my best to cut them out of my life. Sometimes it lasted for only a few hours and then I made up with the person, other times I could refuse to speak with that person for months. I would walk around feeling victimized and righteous in my anger towards them. Sure, I was probably justified a few times in my upset, but I had my share of blame too...not that I ever cared to examine where I went wrong in situations. 

Since I became a Christian a couple of years ago I have been having less fights with the people around me, simply because the bone-deep rage that I used to live with has been replaced with the love of Christ. His love for me has become an ever-present companion, and because of that I have love in my heart for others. The few disagreements I have had with others in the last two years were short-lived and resolved themselves before I had to learn to deal with the situation in a Christian manner. To expect that to continue was unrealistic. Life is full of conflict, some healthy, some not so much...

This week conflict came to me in spades. It was messy and ugly, and it was with someone who is a major player in my life. I am now looking back at the situation and trying to figure out if I went wrong and, if so, where. The best that I can tell is that, upon meeting opposition, I reverted back to my old friends resentment and rebellion. This is about more than just fighting like an adult or being right/wrong. I am not trying to find justification or to have someone tell me that I am in the right. I am trying to figure out how to deal lovingly, firmly, and most important Christian-like in conflict. 

I checked out Acts 15:36-41 where Paul and Barnabas got into it over taking along a young man on their mission trip. Paul didn't want to because, on the last mission trip, that young man left midway through which showed a lack of commitment. Barnabas thought that he should get to go. The bible doesn't specify that one was right and one was wrong. It seemed to take no opinion on it which I thought was cool because that means the point isn't who was right, it was that conflict between believers doesn't have to be insane. As humans we are not always going to agree about decisions on how to live our lives but, as long as the way we want to live doesn't go against what the Lord commands in the bible, we can find a way to disagree respectfully and lovingly. 

So that is my goal now: to find a way to make my decisions and disagree with others without flipping my lid and behaving in a rash manner. This is about more than just this one conflict; life is going to keep throwing conflict at me and if I don't learn how to deal with other people in a Christ-like manner I am going to spend my whole life feeling guilty for hurting someone, resentful that I am being made to feel guilty, or jut beating my head against a emotional brick wall. I just want to respond like Jesus did when He came into conflict: honest and firm but full of love.

Not there yet, but I am working on it.

This Is Eternal Life

Two years ago yesterday my entire life changed. Up until August 4th, 2015 my days were full of wondering if there was any point to my life, if it were too late for me to be anything more than what I already was, and if God even existed. I wasn't too far off when I wondered if there was any point to my life. Before that day my life was nothing more than moments strung together: moments of getting drunk until I passed out, moments of finding affection wherever I could, moments of chain smoking a pack of cigarettes until I couldn't breathe, moments of lying to myself and to everyone around me about who I was and what my life was, moments of longing to die, moments of trying to end my life subconsciously through my addictions, and occasionally moments of attempting to end my life through more drastic means. I lived for nothing except the next moment and hoped that next moment would be full of pleasure instead of pain; more often than not my hopes were for nothing. Pain ruled my life and my heart. Then two years ago, in a streak of white lightening through my heart and my life, God gave me an opportunity to change everything and accept Him as my Lord and give my life to Him. I did so and I haven't been the same, a decision I am grateful for every day.

I have talked many times in this blog about my salvation experience but if you haven't gotten to hear it in full please check out my first three blog posts. Sometimes I reread them when I am feeling down or when the whispers of my old life start back up in my brain. I love to tell the story of how God changed my life and had planned on doing so in this post but I am honestly not feeling so good today so I am going to wrap this post up pretty quickly. I was just so excited to share this milestone with you all that I made myself come to the library to write up this post. 

I am so grateful that you all have been on this journey with me, watching to see all of the ways that God has changed me and my life. I know that I talk a lot about all of the outward changes that He has worked in my life but there is so much more than that. My heart is changing all the time. Sure, I still have angry, doubting, or unloving thoughts but I am becoming quicker to recognize them and let Christ shine through instead. I still screw up and sin all the time (human and all that) but I feel like I growing closer each day to being the woman that the Lord wants me to be. 

The past two years have been a wild ride full of joys, failed tests, conquered temptations, and lessons learned from God's word and His Holy Spirit. Two years ago I was saved through Jesus's sacrifice. Because of that I am now sober, happy, and have a reason to live. I am here to love and worship God, and to be loved by God. I couldn't dream of a better life.