If I Told You My Story

I have always had felt a deep need to fit in with the people around me. When I realized my fitting-in with the population in general was unlikely to happen I switched to trying to impress others. I don’t particularly like this need in myself and am working to rid myself of it but for now it is a very strong motivator in my life. I spend so much time trying to impress others instead of just living my life that I find myself forgetting why I am doing what I am doing sometimes. Is it because others think I should, because I think I should, or because God thinks I should?

The biggest negative to this behavior pattern is that it affects my witness for Christ. The way I describe my life to others is significantly altered when my conversations are rooted in the need to be praised. Because I want people to be impressed by me and to give me all the credit I have found myself editing out God’s part in all of the amazing changes in my life. One day I was having a conversation at the gym and I told someone that I had gotten rid of my television and computer so that I wasn’t a couch potato because I wanted to get healthy. As soon as I heard myself say that I heard my brain scream “WHAT????”! The truth is I got rid of the television and computer because they were addictions for me and I wanted the focus of my life to be God. In fact, God demands that He be the focus of my life and He directly instructed me to get those things out of my life. And yet here I stood, so determined to have others by impressed by me that I completely edited God out of the equation and altered the heart of the story. Once I started paying attention to this habit I had developed I noticed that, when I told people the story of the changes in my life, I would tell different versions depending on who I was talking to and what reasoning would impress them the most.

Since the day God showed me what was happening I have had a specific prayer on repeat: God, let me be brave and honest when I tell people about why I am not the person I used to be. God is answering my prayer and is helping me to be mindful of those situations when I am tempted to take the credit for something that I didn’t do. Sure, I implemented the changes in my life, but ONLY at God’s direction and through His guidance.

The other day I was having the same conversation with a couple of people at the gym and they asked me what happened in my life to start all of the changes and I will admit that I was very tempted to take the credit again. Firstly, I am selfish and self-centered and like being praised and if I gave God the credit I wouldn’t get any. Secondly, once some people hear me start talking about how God has changed my life they start tuning me out and I love to share my story and talk to others. If they didn’t like my response the conversation might be over and I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. I thought for a very brief second and decided to take the leap and go back to giving God the credit that He deserves. I told them the truth, that I got saved two years ago and the only reason that I got rid of those things, the only reason that I was in the gym, the only reason that I was alive that day to tell my story, was because of God. One person gave me a very strange look and seemed less than interested. The other person, however, was delighted. I found myself thinking that I had kept one at least. In the end though, after much thought, it doesn’t matter if everyone I tell the truth about God decides they aren’t interested in hearing my story or getting to know me. Matthew 5:16 says “Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.”. The bible doesn’t say for me to tell others about Jesus and my life so that I can be praised, popular, and happy. It says to tell others so that they can see God shining through me and give Him praise.

Not going to lie, that was one tough pill to swallow. It goes against my nature to let someone else have any credit for my life, no matter how well deserved. This is going to be something I have to work towards for a while, probably, but I want to make sure that my life is all about giving the glory to God and not myself.

Have a great weekend!

For What I Want To Do

I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person, honest and helpful and kind. And yet...sometimes I do the wrong thing. I spend a good portion of my time trying to figure out how I can want so badly to do the right thing and still screw it up so often. In Romans 7:15 one of the most sold-out-to-Christ people ever, Paul, wrote these words expressing how he struggled with doing the right thing.

I have yet to find another verse that so clearly expresses how I feel in the moment when I want to do the right thing but find myself doing the wrong thing anyway. Recently, I made a mistake. I did something that was wrong and it didn't even occur to me that it was wrong while I was doing it. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized what I had done. Even worse, the thing that I did (if it was found out) had serious consequences.

My first thought was how to hide it so that no one would find out. I had already mentioned it to two people and my first instinct was to beg them not to tell anyone. I followed that instinct and pleaded with them, and they (being the nice people that they are) felt compelled to comfort me and reassure me that they would keep my secret. I felt an instant relief that my secret was safe. That relief didn't last long.

We have been given the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide us as we go through this life, to show us the straight path and to give us courage in time of temptation and trials. Less that 30 seconds after the relief I felt something point out that I was compounding an unintentional mistake with a deliberate sin. Worse still, I was dragging in two others and trying to force them into lying as well. The only good thing I did that afternoon was to listen to that voice. I pointed out that fact and told them that I wanted to own up to what I had done and confess willingly. No human prompted this, and it certainly wasn't what my deep-down selfish part wanted to do. This was purely the Spirit of God guiding me. The relief on their faces was huge. They wanted to do the right thing, and I guarantee they would have eventually been honest with the people that I had wronged.

I realize now that, had I not listened to the Spirit, I would have been found out anyway and I would have been branded the liar that I originally committed to be. Instead, because I chose to listen and obey, I was granted forgiveness and understanding from the ones that I had wronged and was viewed as an honest person who would do the right thing. That is all that want to be: an honest and Christ-like person, someone that people can see God's love and righteousness shining through. I have no righteousness on my own, only through God can I claim any good at all.

Doing the wrong thing comes more naturally to us. We have inherited a natural tendency to sin. Adam and Eve got the sin ball rolling but we eagerly follow suit. On this side of heaven, we are going to struggle. Our bodies will struggle, our minds will struggle, our hearts will struggle. God gave us the Holy Spirit to help guide us. Our instincts and wishes and wants can be wrong and can tempt us to do bad things. I need to remember to ask the Holy Spirit to lead me in all things. If I don’t listen to the Holy Spirit then I will end up trying to please the world and myself instead of God.

I have never been more grateful for the voice inside of me which is proof that God is not going to give up on me. God is still lovingly working on me because He loves me and I matter to Him. I am humbled and overwhelmed by that thought, and so very grateful.

Thanks for reading and I hope that you all have a great weekend!

Where Is Your Faith?

It is very easy, when things are going good in my life, for me to say that I would live by faith if things were to start getting harder in my life. Filled with my over-sized sense of piety I watch others who are going through rough times and think to myself that, were it me having the troubles, I would be doing what the bible says and simply trusting in God (notice how full of pride and judgement I am, we'll have to save that for a future blog post). Yep, there I sit, covered with my pride and content that my faith must be deeper than that of those struggling around me. I start congratulating myself and then it happens...

something goes wrong...

not even a big something...

and I flip out in the most spectacular way...

All of a sudden I am faced with a slight hiccup to the plans that I have for my life (see how I am focused on my plans instead of God's plans...another future blog post in the making) and I forget all of that "faith" stuff. 

In Luke 8:25, after the disciples watch Jesus do amazing things they get into a boat with Him. When the waters start to toss them around and upset the boat they go to the Lord in a panic. Jesus, in response, asks them a very basic question: where is your faith? He then calms the waters and they are left astounded by Him. Inevitably that is what happens in my life: something upsets my boat and, instead of trusting that God will see me through the storm, I go to Him in panicked prayer. There is nothing wrong with praying when life's struggles come at you, but I would rather do it with a heart full of trust and faith. 

I can find all sorts of excuses for my behavior if I want to, I guess: girl-hormones, OCD, bipolar, or simply my instinct to plan being thwarted. Maybe some of those things play a role, maybe not. Focusing on human excuses will get me nowhere so instead I am going to focus on a God-centered solution. After taking time to think and pray I can only see one sure-fired way to help me avoid that happening again and that is to become so grounded in the Word and prayer that it becomes instinctive to lean on Him before I freak.

I want to seek out a way to make faith such a habit that my brain will automatically override the panic that hits when life goes kaboom. It is a lofty goal, I know, but one that I think is worth working towards. So then I tried to decide the best way to make faith my first reaction to struggles and troubles and I found myself quoting my pastor's wife: stay in the Word. Such a simple answer for such a spectacular meltdown issue. It will take time, but I can't think of a better way to spend the time that God gives me. So that is my goal: to fill me head and heart with so much of God's Word and will that I don't blink when troubles happen. Instead I will bow my head and simply say "Thy will be done". 

Thanks for reading and I hope that you have a great weekend!

Fully Satisfied

Man, have I gotten crazy busy! That is the only excuse I can offer as to why it has been so long without a blog post. I am super sorry, but I am back. I am going to try to resume posting once a week. That being said: here we go!

Satisfied, content, pleased...that is the goal isn't it? Everyone seems to be searching for satisfaction in some form or another. There are lots of different places people try to find their satisfaction: emotional love, physical love, money, employment, friends, hobbies, possessions...the list is endless. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with those things, but they aren't what should bring us satisfaction. Only a right relationship with God can bring us true satisfaction.

As I mentioned right off the bat, I have been crazy busy lately! I have begun to notice this past week that my schedule has gotten insanely hectic, so much so that I have to schedule "relaxation" time. That got me to thinking about Mary and Martha. Most of us know the story: Jesus comes to Mary and Martha's house and, while Mary is listening to Jesus, Martha is toiling away in the kitchen trying to get dinner on. Now, I know what I am supposed to say about that passage; I am supposed to say how crazy Martha is for ignoring the fact the Savior was in her LIVING ROOM and was instead cooking and cleaning and doing "life stuff". But then I realized...don't I do that sometimes? And that is when I realize I had more in common with Martha than I thought.

I let things in my life get me so busy that I forget that I have the Father available to talk to, the Son as my best friend, and the Spirit inside me. I get so busy working, cleaning, exercising at the gym, yada yada yada, that I forget to spend real quality time with God. Again, there is nothing wrong with any of those things unless I let them take priority to my time with God. So then I asked myself: How do I work hard like Martha but have a heart like Mary?

I love the new life that God has given me since I was saved almost two years ago. I enjoy the fact that I take pride in myself and my home and am living my life as a hardworking member of the family of God. But can I truly be living my life as fully as possible if I am not keeping my focus on God instead of the day to day things? This life that I have been given, that we are all given, is a gift from God to be enjoyed. The bible straight-up says so. 

So here I am trying to find the delicate balance between being diligent like Proverbs 13:4 says to, enjoying life as Ecclesiastes 3:12 says to, and remembering to have a Mary heart in a Martha world. This is not the easiest line to walk. I know this is the part of the blog where I am supposed to tell you how I have learned my lesson and overcame this obstacle. No go folks. Oh, I know what lesson I am supposed to learn (and I am trying real hard) but I am not there yet. No neat, wrapped-up ending this week. In fact, in a few weeks, you will probably be seeing a very similar blog post where I am still trying to work this issue out. Such is being an imperfect human. I am just grateful that God is still working on me, helping me to grow to be who He wants me to be. 

Have a great weekend!