No Plan But His

Expectations are overwhelming. They come at you from every direction, demanding that you be more, do more, be better, give more, go faster, go farther. Sometimes the expectations come from others. The people in your life want you to succeed, and they are sure that they know what is best for you. They just KNOW that if you take the path that they think you should be on then you will do amazing. Sometimes the expectations come from inside. We compare ourselves (and our journeys) to others, and decide that if we can't do as well as the other person does then we must not be trying hard enough. If we will just give a little more, then we can match up.  

Because of my bipolar disorder, I judge myself very harshly. I look at the people surrounding me, and I see people who are accepted by others, who don't behave strangely, who don't have mood swings that they can't control, people who are "normal". I am exhausted from trying to keep up with the rest of the world, and it is pointless because God never intended for me to compare myself to other people. To compare myself to them is unfair to both myself and the other person. I don't have any clue what they are going through, what they have to fight to be who they are. They have struggles that I can't begin to see or understand, and they have talents that I shouldn't try to mimic. I have my own talents and struggles that are here to help me become the person God wants me to be. I have been struggling with this, and because God is the loving Father that He is, He gave me a double dose of advice yesterday. Both my Sunday school lesson and the sermon hit me hard and in the best possible way.

Between my full-time job and my part-time job, I have been working 70 hours weeks for a little while. I have made amazing progress, but I am exhausted. Because of that, I have missed a couple of church services, and more than a few bible study sessions at home. When I came to church yesterday, the feeling of relief was severe and wonderful! The feeling reminded me of when I have an asthma attack. I have them every now and again, and they are miserable. Even with my inhaler, it takes a little bit of time before I feel like I am getting air again. It is an oppressive feeling to go without air, and it is painful. Once the medication kicks in, it is a rush of relief. The air comes freely again, I can breathe again, I am comfortable again. When I opened my Sunday School book yesterday, it was like a breath of air entered my life again, and I knew that this is what I had been missing. I had been so focused on making my life successful and normal that I forgot what the foundation of my life was supposed to be. 

Part of the reason that I want to be successful is because I don't want to fail God. I am grateful everyday for the new life that He has granted me, and I don't want to waste it. I guess I forgot that I judge success differently than God does. I want to make a mark, do something spectacular. God just wants my love and obedience. In Sunday school we talked about the different meanings of the word 'perfect'. I am forever trying to be perfect, to make no mistakes, to succeed where I have always failed before. But my teacher showed me that perfect can also means to continually work towards being more Christ-like. Something for me to think and work on. 

God used yesterday's sermon to touch me as well. Like I said, I have been trying to do things my way instead of God's way, and He wanted to correct that. We studied John 4:34 and what it is to do God's will. It is a scary thing to totally give up control of my life and accept that I will do whatever God wants, but I am learning that trying to live my life according to my will is even scarier. No matter how hard I try, I will always be exhausted if I am fighting the will of God and trying to go down the wrong path. It is pointless to fight God or to lie to God. It just doesn't work, and so I am giving in. Even as I type the words, my chest is tightening up. I have lived to control my own life for so long that the idea of letting anyone else control it is terrifying. This is going to require all of my faith, but if I can learn to stop letting the expectations of myself or others control my path, and instead to focus on God's will for my life, I know that I will do amazing things. Maybe they will be things that I think are amazing, or maybe they will be things that seem small to my human mind. At least I won't have to worry that I am on the wrong path, because I will know it is God's path. 

Thank you for reading and letting me share my testimony with you once again. Until next time....God bless!

My Rock, My Fortress, My Deliverer

I love Toby Mac's song "Changed Forever" for a lot of reasons. The biggest reason is because it keeps fresh in my mind the changes that have come about it my life, and it reminds me that all the changes came from Him, and none from me. Sure, I have determination and a deep desire to make the changes needed in my life, but that determination and desire, and the strength required, all come from God. One of my favorite words in that song is a totally made up word: change-reaction. It's like chain-reaction, only the Christian version. Now, normally a made up word would drive me nuts (English major here), but this word so perfectly describes my life in the past six months that I can't be offended by it. There have been so many positive changes, but they all stem from the fact that, six months ago today (almost to the hour of the time I am writing this) the Lord grabbed ahold of my heart, body, and life and rocked the very foundation of what my life was built upon. He gave me a new foundation, and a beautiful new life full of joy. I have said all of these things before, repeatedly, and hopefully will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I hope that there never comes a time when I am calm about the changes that God has brought about in my life. Okay, had to gush a little (lot) about what God has done, now I can move on to what He is teaching me right now.

I have been studying Christian conflict resolution. The bible tells me that I can not avoid all conflict while living in the world. John 16:33 says "These things have I spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. in the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." The words "shall have tribulation" doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room, and I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE conflict. I do everything I can to avoid it. In the past, when I couldn't avoid it, I typically reacted with guilt, blame, anger, rage, so on and so forth. Now that I am a Christian, as with every other area of my life, I am reevaluating the way I deal. The bible has some pretty good rules for dealing with conflict. I have been studying this for weeks, so I could probably make this post four or five pages long, but I think I will spare you all of that and just give you the highlights of what God is showing me. 

The biggest thing I have come to understand is that the true source of conflict is our sin and selfishness. James 4:1 says "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?". While I can't do anything about other people's attitudes and actions, I can control the way I see things and react to them. I can try to let God's thoughts and actions influence mine. Even if I become more Christ-like in my actions, I think I should have a plan for how to deal with conflict when it comes my way. And here we go...

1. Go before God to get His perspective on the conflict. God sees things differently than I do, and He reacts to things differently, and to respond the way He would wish, I need to seek His will first. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.".
2. Remember that God is bigger than the problem. 
3. Take a look at my sin and responsibility for the situation. Look for my selfishness, and find my wrong in the conflict. Own it, repent for it, correct it.
4. Pledge my commitment to a resolution. Romans 12:18 says "if it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.".
5. Pray for myself and my dealings in the conflict. Psalms 129:23-24 says "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.".
6. Prepare before I attempt to go to the person to resolve the conflict. Proverbs 16:21 says "The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning.".
7. Be completely honest when in discussion with the other person. Proverbs 12:17 says "he that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.". 
8. Act in the "opposite" spirit. If the other person is stingy, be generous. If they are mean, be kind. Return love for hatred and prayers for persecution. Romans 12:17 and Matthew 5:38-44 speak to this matter. This one really got to me. It takes the idea of turn the other cheek to a whole new level. When it says "as for the one who wants to sue you and take away your shirt, let him have your coat as well" that speaks to me. This goes far beyond just being nice. The bible is basically saying that it is better to lose the battle and act in a Christian manner, even if you are right. It's not about being right or wrong, it is about being Christ-like. This wasn't a metaphor. We should be willing to give up anything to be Christ-like, whether it be physical items or an emotional win when you know you are right. Ouch. And ouch. 
9. Permit total forgiveness. Collossians 3:13-14 says "Forbearing one another, if any man have a quarrel against any, even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.". The bible doesn't speak to just letting things hit an impasse, or agreeing to disagree, it says to forgive completely as Christ did. That's one I am going to have to work on. 

A couple other things that stuck out at me while I was studying this: 

• I should not confront someone when my motive is purely my own rights, not the benefit of the other person. (Phillipians 2:3-4)
• Sometimes it is better to be cheated than to win and have strife in the Christian family. (1 Corinthians 6:7)
• Sometimes others will harden their hearts and refuse to resolve a conflict. It is not my job to control how other people behave, it is my job to make sure my behavior pleases the Lord. God does not measure success in terms of results, but in terms of faithful obedience. 
• If the other person won't listen, resolve not to give up on finding a biblical solution. Just because the Christian method did not work with the other person does NOT mean I am free to try the secular route. 

At the end of the day, if nothing else works, the bible offers one more option, one more thing to try. It is the ultimate weapon against sin and strife: deliberate, focused love. I'm not going to have a lot of time and energy to fight with someone if I focus all of my time and energy on loving them. 

Sorry, I know this is long, but God has really taught me some cool things, and I wanted to share them with you. TTFN!