Rejoicing, Patient, and Continuing

If you know me from the world outside of my blog, then you know that I have been going through a rough time the past couple of weeks. I was sick, which triggered a bipolar down cycle. I had panic attacks and trouble functioning around people. It happens, but what made this time different was that I had no plan to deal with it. Before I was saved, I had a system for dealing with my down times, but some of those things do not mesh well with a Christian life and so I had to find a new plan of attack. It took me years to develop my coping skills, and this wasn't going to be easy or quick. To try to combat this, I have been researching bible verses about perseverance and how to keep going through trouble. 

The definition of perseverance: steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. The point: it was easy to be joyful and faithful while everything was going well for me, but now the road is getting rocky and I will have to rely on more than positive feelings to keep me faithful in my walk with God. So as I see it, I now have two choices. First option: I can cut myself a break, tell myself that I can't control my bipolar cycles (which is true), and give myself permission to fail on the days that I am not doing well. Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? I mean, I can't be too hard on myself, right? Problem is, when I reword that sentence to be bluntly honest in it's meaning, it sounds a little different. It's more like: I don't have to worry about doing a bible study if I am sad and don't think I can deal with it, I don't have to get out and exercise if I don't have the energy, I don't have to pray if my heart isn't in it, I don't have to be kind to others and show love if I am in a bad mood. Not so reasonable anymore, right? I didn't think so either, so I decided to look at my second option.

I love Facing the Giants. That movie is incredible, and I have watched it so many times I have memorized quite a bit of it. At lot of people say their favorite part of the movie is the "death crawl" scene. If you have seen it, you know the scene I am talking about. I have to admit, it is my favorite scene too. There are so many things you can take from that scene, but there is one thing that sticks with me every time I watch or think about that movie. When he is doing the death crawl, and it is starting to really hurt him, he tells the coach that it hurts. The coach's response: I know it hurts, you keep going, it's all heart from here. Then he says that it burns. The coach's response: Then let it burn. Then let it burn...four little words that make such a powerful statement. 

Sometimes I will hurt, and there is nothing I can do about that. The only choice I have is whether or not I am going to let that stop me. So what if my nerves are on edge? Let them be on edge! So what if I am tired? Let me be tired! That should not stop me from being faithful to God in my actions, nor should it stop me from continuing to live the full life that He has blessed me with. I may not be able to change how my bipolar disorder, or life in general, makes me feel sometimes but I can change how I react to it. I can stop reacting like a bitter, selfish person and can start trying to be more Christ-like. Basically, I can stop letting my bad days slow me down because God is still there on those days. No matter how I am emotionally, I still need to worship and follow God. 

There is a simple answer to this problem: persevere.   I know it is in me to persevere, I do it everyday. Everyone does. Even on the days we don't feel like getting out of bed, we still do. Even if we don't feel like going to work, we still do. No matter how good or bad life is, there are still moments where we have to convince ourselves to take the next step forward. So I have a new game plan, and it might be a little dorky, but I am a little dorky so it just might work. I made a morning and evening schedule that lists everything I should do in the order it should be done in. The first and last thing on the list for every day is to pray. Bible study is on there three times: morning, lunch, and night. Even on the days I just don't feel like it, I am going to do what God wants me to do anyway. I believe that this will be my ticket to getting through my down cycles, simply because it relies on God's way instead of my emotions. The bible warns us not to live by our own inconsistent emotions, but to live by God's word. Proverbs 3:5-6 states Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. 

Lesson for myself: the bible doesn't say to follow God when I am having a good day, or feel up to it; it simply says to follow God, and that is simply what I am going to do. Thank you for reading this, and letting me share with you the things God is teaching me. Until next time...

How Long Halt Ye Between Two Opinions?

It has been over two weeks since I have written anything, and I could give you plenty of reasons why. I was sick for a week, I was busy at work, I had a lot of things going on in my life...the reasons go on and on. All of the things I listed are true, but if I am being completely honest, that is not why I haven't posted. The truth of the matter is that I turned the focus of my life from God. I didn't mean to turn, and for a few days I didn't realize that I had. It happened so quickly and easily that it snuck up on me. After everything God has shown me, taught me, and done for me, all it took to turn my back on all of it was a sick day where I couldn't sleep. 

I wasn't feeling well, had been sleeping for days straight (it felt like), and bored out of my mind. I had no movies around the house anymore, and I was too tired to do anything else, so I decided to sign back up for netflix. Sounds harmless, right? I watched a few movies, no big deal. Some old TV shows I used to like. That got me to thinking about my old music and how it would be nice to hear some of it again, and so I downloaded some of it. Pretty quickly I was singing along, finding myself cussing like a sailor (which I hadn't done since I was saved). The next thing I know, my bible has gone unopened for days. All because I turned for just a second, just a inch. Suddenly my eyes were facing away from God and my new life, and my focus was on my old life. It's just a reminder that I am on a slippery slope, and if I don't keep my focus on God 100%, I will fall very quickly. Sadly, I didn't see it as falling, I thought I was "finding balance". 

When I got rid of all the non-Christian things in my life, it was supposed to be for good. But then an idea crept into my head: why couldn't I have both my new life and my old habits? Surely I was stronger now, my life has changed so drastically that I must be able to handle the temptation better. And life is all about balance, right? My therapist always talked about balance: if I could balance work, family, and a personal life then I would be in a much healthier place. I took that idea and moved it to my spiritual life as well. Unfortunately, balance doesn't apply there. Christianity is all or nothing. Yes, I am saved and nothing can change that, but if I don't live fully and completely for God then my life will not be what He wants it to be, and I will not be able to live as He wants me to live.

1 Kings 18:21 says "And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow Him; but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word. This is a pretty simple point, and doesn't offer a halfway. I CANNOT follow God and the world. The bible points this out over and over (and over). I couldn't find a verse that says "once you are stronger as a Christian, then you can live as part of the world" or "after a little while of living your life completely for God, then you can have parts of your old life back". It just doesn't work that way, and for good reason. It's the same principle as my quitting smoking: there are days when I want just one smoke, but I know I can't have one. Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS JUST ONE! So there may be days when I want to listen to my old music, or watch my old shows, or read my old books, but I can't because there is no stopping place. I am either living fully for God or fully in the world. 

The saddest part of all this is that I forgot how unhappy I was in my old life. I guess I worked so hard at looking happy all those years that when I glanced back at my old life, I felt longing. Once I started living it again, though, I remembered pretty quickly how miserable I was. I haven't walked in the park in over a week, I haven't been reading my bible, I haven't been praying like I was. What I have been is miserable, moody, gripey, and sad. Oh yeah, can't believe I gave that life up *insert sarcasm here*. 

The whole time that I was doing this, I knew it was wrong. My heart was heavy, and I knew God was trying to get me back on the right path, but I am just such a stubborn thing, always thinking I know best. I guess I forgot where my choices led me last time. Luckily, I started listening again Sunday and I am getting back on track. I am feeling like my new self again, and am so glad for it. Hopefully, the next time I think I miss my old life, I will read this post and remember. 

Lesson of the week: Finding balance between my new Christian life and my old worldly life is impossible, and trying to straddle a fence will only get me a splinter in my behind.

Until next time, God bless you and thank you for reading!   Angela