When you start reading this, probably one of your first thoughts is going to be "this is depressing.". That thought will probably quickly be followed by "let's close this page". Do me a favor, hang in there. This is not a depressing post, it is simply dealing with a serious and complex issue that Christians with mental illness go through sometimes. As with any situation where you learn to lean on God, it has a happy ending. ☺
It is a normal day. You have a great day at work, and you start to head to your sister's house, ready to have a great play time with her kids and then after that go to a bible study which you are really looking forward to. Then you start having a little trouble breathing. No big deal, it happens, you have asthma. You will take your inhaler and you will be fine. Within the next 60 seconds, though, you realize you are not okay: You are dying. Your face is tingly, you can't get air, your throat is swollen shut, your chest hurts, you are going to pass out. Your sister isn't in the car, she is inside the daycare getting her kids. No one can help, you are going to die alone. Pure panic hits you so strong that you know you can't survive it. You begin to wonder if you should start screaming "call 911" when reason takes over a small piece of your brain and you realize that you aren't dying, you are simply having a panic attack. It is an awful, insane feeling and you are shocked at the strength of it. By the end of it, you not only miss your bible study but you barely manage to stay out of the ER. It takes hours to slow your body and brain down enough that you start to believe you are going to be okay. Then, because your mind is a fragile thing, it takes you several days to recuperate from it, days where you think that it is happening again and again and again. That happened to me this past week, and it made me start thinking about my faith and trust in the Lord.
There are so many verses in the bible telling you not to worry. If you have true faith in God, then why should a situation worry you? You are in God's hands and He knows the future. So when you have an issue like anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, or one of the many other mental health issues out there, you start to wonder....is my faith just not strong enough? If I truly believe that God is in control, then why can't I calm down during a panic attack? What does it mean when you have taken your medicine, prayed for help, read your bible, and are still suffering? In my head, it meant I was weak. I started to hate myself and what I perceived to be my fickle faith. Where was the strong faith I thought I had?
My first question, and one that has plagued me over and over: Is my mental illness biblical? Let me be clear: I am not a psych doctor. I am not judging anyone else's mental illness, just my own. I am trying to decide if it is an actual illness or if it is me letting Satan run my life. After a lot of research, thought, and prayer, I have come to believe that it is not only very real, but very natural. If you are diagnosed with diabetes, you don't go home and wonder if a greater faith would have saved you from it. Our bodies are mortal and will wither with time, and that includes our brains. Some people experience these issues as they get older, but others of us experience these symptoms much younger. It does not mean my faith was lacking, it simply means that my body is weak. Even more important, through these issues, God can strengthen my belief in Him.
When I was first saved, I thought that God giving me the strength meant that I would be able to ignore the bad things like they weren't happening. Instead, I am discovering that it means that I have a solid rock to lean on and cry out to, even when He does not choose to heal me or make it go away. Paul had his thorn in the flesh, John had his exile...I am sure they had their horrible moments. They probably were not able to go through them like they weren't happening, but they learned that rejoicing and praising God through the trials gave them a greater faith. And in the end, isn't that what we are supposed to desire? So if this is a way to gain a greater faith, then I should be grateful for my trials.
My second question: because this has happened several times right before a bible study, does that mean that I am secretly trying to get out of going, or that Satan is attacking me? The answer to the first question is a strong no. But knowing that I have had a couple of attacks right before this bible study does make sense if you look at it this way: If you climbed the same set of stairs everyday for a months with no issue, but then one day you fell down those stairs, would you not be a little more hesitant the next time you climbed those stairs? The memory of the fall would be fresh in your mind, and you would worry that it would happen again. It doesn't matter that your brain knows it was a freak, one-time thing. You will still be a little scared. So going in to a building where I have felt extreme pain is naturally going to bring back stress. As to whether or not Satan is using that to attack me, I don't know. All I can do is keep trying to go and forgive myself when I can't, praying and praising either way.
At the end of all this, I guess the lesson I am learning is to be patient with myself. Being a Christian does not mean the bad days won't come, or that I can just gloss over them when they do. What it means is that I can rejoice in the Lord always, and understand that He can work all things for good for those that love Him. I pray all the time for more faith, and for a greater understanding of faith. Maybe this is how He is answering that prayer. I must not lean on my own understanding, but trust that His ways are higher. He sees the whole tapestry, not just the small piece of thread that is currently visible to me. And so now, as I am mentally still falling to pieces, I am praising the Lord in my head and trusting that I am in the palm of His righteous right hand.
Thanks for reading and God bless you all!
